Easter Sunday

The Easter Bunny respects local tradition and custom.

In Beauneville, the Easter Bunny brings baskets of goodies to the children and youth, and scatters painted wooden eggs around the Beaune Estate. The eggs are antique; nobody can quite remember where they came from. There are exactly seventy-two eggs, each numbered and painted with a distinct color scheme. The rules are simple: when all seventy-two eggs are found and turned over to the presiding adults, all children present receive a gift. This creates incentives for children to collaborate as they hunt down the eggs. At no time in living memory has any Easter egg hunt in Beauneville failed to recover all of the eggs.

The child who discovers egg number one, which is slightly larger than the others and golden in color -- is known to all as the "Easter Prince" (or "Princess", as they case may be) for the following year. Roderick never found the golden egg, but Molly found it once, when she was three. She remembers nothing of the event.

Bedford Glen has a somewhat different tradition. There, eggs contain money and gift cards, and the child who finds the most eggs gets to keep all of the eggs. This creates a certain disincentive for some children to report their findings, because they will lose what they found unless they found the most. To circumvent fraud, the Bedford Glen Police cordon off the egg-hunting area and check the pockets of departing children.

The child who finds the fewest eggs is bullied mercilessly for the year following the hunt.

In Stapleton, the eggs are filled with Food Stamps. Illegal aliens are invited to attend.

There is no Easter egg hunt in Smileyville, since Smileys deem such events too stressful for the little ones. Instead, the Easter Bunny simply drops off baskets of eggs filled with pickles and cheese, to which every youngster is entitled regardless of effort or accomplishment.

Roderick attends the Spring Holiday Candyfest with Molly and the Blooms. The Spring Holiday Bunny arrives at noon, to much acclaim from the children, each of whom receives a Spring Holiday Basket full of nutritious sugar-free fat-free snacks.

"Why do they call it a Candyfest?" asks Roderick as he rummages through little packages of Veggie Booty and Tomato Chips.

"It's the principle of the thing," says Molly.

The Smileys depart the Spring Holiday Candyfest at the Church of Nothing and drive to the Hello Spring! event at the Church of Anything. The Happy Spring Rabbit is already there, leading the yoga session. Rabbit invites the Smileys to join the group in Adho Mukha Svanasana ("Downward Facing Dog"), but they decline and fill their plates at the buffet table.

At the Church of Whatever, the covered dish supper looks very inviting, but after the nice buffet at the Church of Anything the Smileys prefer to just sit and listen to Lagomorpha Leporidae lecture on climate change. The gist of it: there is something called climate, and it's changing.

The last stop for the day is the Church of Irony, where Roderick and Molly meet up with Mr. Smiley; Alexander was tired and fussy, so Clotilde took him back to the cottage. This evening. Mr. Herbert Peacock riffs on whether or not "Christ rose from the dead" should be treated as an ironic statement. His conclusion: there is nothing to celebrate, you just have to muddle on with your miserable life.

Carlin Peas

Today is the fifth Sunday in Lent, also known as Judica, or Passion Sunday. It marks the beginning of a two-week period called Passiontide.

In 1969, the Roman Church eliminated Passiontide from the liturgy. The Old Ivy faculty took the position that since they had never paid much heed to Rome in the past, they weren't about to start now.

So it's still called Passiontide at Saint Cecilia Chapel.

Germans call this day Black Sunday, and veil the statues and crucifixes in black cloth. There are very few statues in St. Cecilia Chapel. The largest is a large marble nude of Venus, Reclining donated by Mr. Woody of the Class of 1926, which rests in an alcove at the rear of the chapel near the door. Placing a veil on Venus is problematic due to the custom among male students to rub Venus' breast when entering or leaving the Chapel. Rub Venus' breast, the saying goes, and you will have good luck for the day. Not wishing to deprive students of good luck, the College does not veil the statue. However, the climate change and community organizing posters are removed, and congregants are discouraged from placing stuffed Easter bunnies on or near the Altar until Easter itself, or a day or two before.

In England, this day is called Carlin Sunday due to the custom of eating Carlin peas, which look like this:



Mr. Throb of the Theology faculty addresses a throng of students gathered outside the Dining Hall, waiting for dinner to be served.

"Today is Carlin Sunday, when we eat Carlin peas," says Mr. Throb.

"That's kind of random," whispers Roderick to Molly, who nods.

Inside the Dining Hall, Roderick discovers that Mr. Throb is quite serious about this pea business, as Carlin peas are the only culinary option. Roderick takes a bowl:



He sits with Molly, Anna and Megan and dutifully samples the peas.

"Hmmm. Interesting," he says. "Grainy, with just a hint of beef suet, vinegar and salt."

"They taste like crap," says Megan.

"I think that's the general idea," says Anna. "For Passiontide, we avoid earthly pleasures out of respect for the liturgy."

Megan stops eating. "Does that mean I should put away my sex toy for the season?"

"No, but you might want to use it a little less."

Roderick smiles. Moderation, he thinks, is not in Megan's vocabulary.

Lake City, Here I Come

Today is Laetare, the fourth Sunday in Lent. According to Wikipedia, repository of all knowledge, the day is also called Mothering Sunday, Refreshment Sunday, Mid-Lent Sunday and Rose Sunday. The name Laetare comes from the Gregorian introit for the day, Laetare Jerusalem: et conventum facite omnes qui diligitis eam: gaudete cum laetitia, qui in tristitia fuistis: ut exsultetis,et satiemini ab uberibus consolationis vestrae. Psalm: Laetatus sum in his quae dicta sunt mihi: in domum Domini ibimus.

According to Mr. Throb of the Theology department, who presents today's inspirational message, this translates roughly to "Hooray, the Easter Bunny cometh."

The Smiths and the Blooms attend service at St. Cecilia this morning together with Roderick, Molly, Anna and Megan. After the service, they all walk over to the Old Ivy Inn for brunch. Roderick sits next to his Dad at the big round table near the fireplace.

"How've you been?" inquires Mr. Smith of his son.

"Very busy," says Roderick. "I can hardly recall anything for the past two weeks. It's kind of a blur."

Brunch is delicious, except there is no scrapple since the Old Ivy Inn respects the "Hash for Lent" practice.

At two o'clock there is a special event on campus, the opening of the annual student show at the art gallery. Natasha has top placement this year on the strength of her "Molly" pictures. There is a small crowd gathered outside the doors of the gallery already when the Smiths, Blooms and company arrive. Roderick and Molly mingle; Mary Bloom sizes the crowd for potential tricks; Margaret does Soduku in her head. Catherine steps to the side, removes Mr. Fuzzums from her backpack and introduces him to the joy of sliding down a snow bank on his butt.

The doors open, and the crowd surges into the gallery.

Natasha's entries are immediately visible to visitors as they enter. There is the large painting of Molly with Megan's sex toy, plus a number of new sketches of Molly in seemingly post-coital postures. The crowd, however, seems most interested in the monumental work at the center of the exhibit, the one known simply as Molly's Ladyparts.

Mr. Bloom is impressed. He takes Molly aside. "Glad to see that you're finally putting out," he whispers.

"It's all in Natasha's imagination," says Molly.

Mary studies Molly's Ladyparts, then tugs on Molly's arm. "You should consider waxing," she says. "I go to Diva's Vijayjay Studio in Stapleton."

Natasha sees Roderick studying the sketches. She fishes for a compliment: "What do you think?"

"Nice renderings," says Roderick. "You capture her buttocks nicely. But the handcuffs seem a little over the top, don't you think?"

Natasha smiles pleasantly and moves on. What a philistine, she thinks.

That evening, Molly snuggles with Roderick. "I'm thinking that we should go ahead and 'do it'," she murmurs. "The entire campus seems to think I've been 'doing it' in spades."

"True," says Roderick. "But we have two years and a couple of months before the mandatory 'do it before you're twenty-one' rule kicks in, so no hurry."

Back in Beauneville, Mary Bloom lies awake in her bed and thinks about college; she looks forward to it. The market for her services is a bit small here in Beauneville. Mr. Bloom is a big help, of course, with his client referrals, but what girl wants to rely on her father for pimping? No, Mary wants the freedom of a big city.

"Lake City, here I come," she whispers aloud.