"Good morning gents, and madam," says Board Chairman Mr. Fuddle, nodding to Miss Token. Miss Token, who is part black, part Hispanic, part Native American and bisexual is actually highly valued for her strategic contribution, since Old Ivy makes no effort at all towards diversity. She is also hot, and prefers short, tight skirts.
"Good morning!" says Miss Token. The other members of the Board also respond, with varying levels of enthusiasm.
Mr. Fuddle proceeds with the first order of business. "I received a letter last month from the Association of College and Universities. It says we should take a hard look at policies on binge drinking and take active steps to promote safe and legal use of alcohol."
"Do we have a policy on binge drinking?" asks Miss Token.
"Yes," says Mr. Gruff of the Philosophy faculty and Dean of Student Life. "Our policy is that we don't care what students do as long as they don't disrupt the exams. lectures, seminars, concerts or other college events. And if they do disrupt those things we don't care if they do so because of alcohol or drug use, we just throw them out on the first offense."
"That works for me," says Miss Token. There is general assent from the other members.
"What about drinking in students' rooms?" asks Mr. Billabong, who is new to the Board.
"Technically," says Mr. Armstrong, of the Political Economy faculty and Dean of Residence Life, "we don't own the rooms since we went condominium ten years ago. The South Quad Condominium Association has rules, which they post, and advises that state law prohibits underage drinking unless one of the exceptions applies."
"Exceptions?" Clearly, Mr. Billabong isn't up on the details of state law governing underage drinking.
Mr. Armstrong sighs. "The Condominium Association tells the students that underage drinking is prohibited except on private property (taverns and liquor stores excepted), for religious purposes, for medical purposes, for educational purposes, for government work or with parental consent."
"Gosh," says Mr. Billabong. "That's a lot of exceptions! How do you enforce them all."
"We, the Members of this Board and the employees of Old Ivy College, don't enforce them at all," responds Mr. Armstrong. "The South Quad Condominium Association, a legally separate entity with no connection to Old Ivy College except that the same individuals serve on both Boards and meet consecutively in this room, enforces the policy. I should note, however, that the Condominium Association has no employees other than Mr. Featherton, who runs the annual online auction."
"What about the police?" asks Miss Token.
"Sheriff Nottingham in Stapleton or one of his deputies will respond if there is a disturbance. We had one back in 1982, when Figgie Gordon chained himself naked to the Thinking Tree to protest what he said was an absence of thought."
Mr. Fuddle interjects. "Thank you for that briefing, Mr. Armstrong. Any other comments or questions on this issue?"
"What about Federal law?" asks Miss Token. You can always count on Miss Token to bring up questions of Federal law.
"Well," says Mr. Armstrong, warming to the subject, "the Department of Education publishes rules under Title IX, and we would have to comply with them if we had a varsity athletic program."
"If," says Mr. Gruff, with emphasis on the conditional conjunction, "we had a varsity athletic program."
"But...we don't have a varsity athletics program," says Miss Token.
"Exactly," says Mr. Armstrong. "There are also rules governing colleges and universities that accept Federal research grants or disburse Federal student grants and loans, and we would have to comply with those IF we accepted Federal research grants or disbursed Federal student grants and loans."
"I get it!" laughs Miss Token. "IF we did that stuff. But we don't!" There is a round of laughter from the other Members.
Meanwhile, in his room, and with his parents' consent, Roderick pours himself a glass of Beauneville Ale. Mr. Smith likes to say that Roderick can also qualify under the religious exception, as he is a practicing member of the Church of Occasional Beer; and the educational exception applies as well, since it is important for a youth to know how to drink a beer.
Beauneville Ale, a product of the Beauneville Brewery, has a special secret ingredient that gives it a unique flavor. I'd tell you what the ingredient is, but it's a secret. It's not pumpkin.
