Mr. Smith has no business in Lake City or Port Truculence this week, but travels instead to Gardenia, home of Wimbledown University, where every admitted student has an International Baccalaureate. Each year, Wimbledown competes with Brahmin University for top ranking in Snoot Magazine's annual list of the world's snootiest colleges. In the most recent issue, Wimbledown ranks tops on the list, evoking a spontanteous outburst of even more snootiness than usual amongst students, faculty and alumni.
Today, Mr. Smith meets with clients at Pharmacopia, a global vendor of prescription drugs. The hallways of Pharmacopia display artwork documenting its rich history of innovation and applied science directed towards medical progress and public health. Pharmacopia's predecessor company (Eli Pusher and Co.) grew rapidly during the Civil War thanks to lucrative contracts as sole purveyor of morphine to the Union armies. After the war, Pusher continued to grow thanks to robust sales of Mrs. Figbottom's Happiness Morphine Tonic to war veterans.
Thanks to scientific progress and well-placed lobbyists, Pusher continued to supply the U.S. Army through World War I. After the war, however, Pusher needed to find a new source of revenue since morphine was a controlled substance after 1914. Fortunately, the Volstead Act prohibiting the distribution and sale of alcoholic beverages led to a surge in demand for medicinal "tonics" consisting largely of alcohol and flavored water. In this new market, Pusher led the way.
Repeal of Prohibition in 1933 led to a temporary downturn in Pusher's revenue. Fortunately, however, World War II brought a massive increase in the number of people suffering excruciating pain and desperate for relief.
Thanks to the March of Progress and corporate acquisitions, Pusher continued to grow and expand into new markets after the war. Rebranding itself as Pharmacopia in the 1960s, the company demonstrated a new model of corporate success based on knowledge, scientific discovery and the ability to market medically useless and addictive products to people with real and invented ailments.
Today, three products dominate Pharmacopia's revenues: Tumescia, for men suffering Erectile Disfunction (ED); Orgazmia, for women suffering from the tragedy of Hard-to-Find G-Spot (HFG); and Drowsia, a sleep-enducing treatment for hard-to-control children.
In the Board Room, beneath a portrait of Eli Pusher, Mr. Smith meets with the Pension Committee to discuss investment strategy. The sandwiches, he notes, are excellent.
