"Ahem," says Mr. Bloom, standing at the Sritt-Nick counter.
"What choo want?" demands Shawanna, glaring at Mr. Bloom
"Um, I'm here to see Mary Bloom."
"Ah ain't no do'man, crackah," says Shawanna, pointing to the staircase with a lily-white finger. "You wants to see a young'un, you just goes."
"Thank you." Mr. Bloom climbs the stairs to the fourth floor and turns to the right down the corridor. It's a typical Sunday morning at Sritt-Nick. The floor is littered with cups, beer cans and, not too far from Mary's door, a pool of vomit.
Mr. Bloom knocks on Mary's door.
Mary, in pajamas, opens the door. Her eyes are red, and a little tearful. "Oh, hello, Daddy," she says, stepping aside. "Come on in."
"Wait! I'm not dressed!" cries Melissa, stark naked except for the t-shirt she is presently trying to pull over her head.
"It's okay, silly, it's just Daddy," says Mary, petulantly. Melissa continues to struggle with the t-shirt and succeeds in pulling it over her head and down to mostly cover her private parts. "Daddy, this is Melissa, my roommate," says Mary.
"Pleased to meet you," says Mr. Bloom. "Nice bush."
Melissa squints, then gropes for her glasses and puts them on.
Mr. Bloom hands a gift-wrapped package to Mary. "I thought you might be a little blue, so I brought you something."
Mary's eyes light up. "For me? I wonder what it is!" She takes the package and quickly removes the gift wrap, breaking into a smile. "Wow, a Waterworks Natural Vagina Douching Device! How thoughtful!" she hugs Mr. Bloom.
Mary unwinds from Mr. Bloom and holds the gift out so Melissa can see it. "You use it to wash your...you know."
"Oh."
"You can borrow it if you wash it after."
"Um, okay."
Mr. Bloom sits on Melissa's bed and gestures to Mary to sit next to him. "So what's bothering you?"
Mary looks down and fidgets with her bracelet. "Well, you see..." her voice trails off. Mary can barely hold it together.
Mr. Bloom puts his arm around her. "Hey, honey, you can tell me anything, I'm your Dad. Trouble with a customer?"
Mary shakes her head. Her face reddens, a tear runs down her cheek and drops to the floor. Suddenly, she rises from the bed, strides to the desk, rummages through some papers, returns to the bed, thrusts a sheet of paper at Mr. Bloom and buries her head in his shoulder, sobbing.
Mr. Bloom glances at the letter, which bears the heading National Virgin Society. He begins to read aloud:
Dear Miss Bloom,"Disqualified!" wails Mary. The random inspection two weeks ago, it seems, did not go well. The inspectors concluded that her virgo was not intacta; in fact, it was missing altogether.
We regret to inform you...
Skimming, Mr. Bloom comments. "So...they've decided you can't compete for Miss College Virgin."
Mary nods. "Read the rest."
Mr. Bloom reads. "And they've terminated your membership in the Society."
Mary nods and sobs.
Helpfully, Melissa interjects. "Well, you really aren't a virgin."
Mary balls her fists, and pounds the bed, sobbing. "It's so unfair!"
Mr. Bloom gives Melissa a look and hugs Mary. "It's okay...we'll get past this together..."
"But, my customers! What will I tell my customers?" she wails.
"Oh, I don't think the johns care whether you're an actual virgin."
Meanwhile, at Old Ivy, Roderick awakes sandwiched between Molly and Megan. He sits up in bed and ponders the night before. Overall, the Vienna Ball went pretty well. There was that little snit between Natasha and Security over her fake service dog, and Megan's "wardrobe malfunction" during the polka s'gibt nur a Kaiserstadt, s'gibt nur ein Wien caused a bit of a stir; but the ringer on zither did a stellar job in Geschichten aus dem Wienerwald.
Roderick noodges the women awake. "Come on, it's almost ten!" Today is Quinquagesima Sunday, and the Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs the Bach Cantata Du wahrer Gott und Davids Sohn, BWV 23. With its unusual instrumentation (cornet, two oboes, three trombones, strings and continuo), the cantata gives the Reed twins (aka "the Double Reeds") a chance to shine on oboe; and Old Ivy's three trombonists (Larry, Pete and Zelda) get to play in the last movement.
Inside St. Cecilia, they sit and listen. The Double Reeds rise to the occasion, as do Larry, Pete and Zelda. During the final chorale, Christe, du Lamm Gottes, Megan checks online for video of her wardrobe malfunction.
