Measured in Hundreds

Roderick sits with Albert at breakfast. He inquires about Albert's date with Pamela.

"So how'd things go with Pamela."

"Okay, I think. I put my hand on her thigh."

"Did she punch you?"

"No."

"That sounds promising."

"She wasn't wearing panties."

"That sounds very promising."

"During the Casino scene, I whispered 'Domenico Scarlatti' in her ear. She blushed slightly, put her hand on mine and..." Albert next describes an activity which most people would interpret as a signal from Pamela that she welcomes the possibility of sexual intercourse.

"It sounds like she welcomes the possibility of sexual intercourse."

"Yes, I believe she does."

"When do you see her again?"

"I've asked her to pose for me at the fortepiano in the Music Library."

"Gee, what a great idea for a date." Actually, Roderick thinks it's a terrible idea for a date, but he figures Albert needs encouragement.

Later in the morning, Mr. Rothschild pauses in his History of Banking lecture to comment on the election and how it impacts the economy.

"We use the word 'economy' as a metaphor for the combined independent activity of millions of people around the world. We try to measure this activity -- imperfectly -- through such things as GDP, price indices and so forth.

"But the economy is like the weather. We can track and forecast with some level of precision, but nobody knows how to make 'the economy' better for everyone. Economists and others have opinions about what policies will make everyone better off, but nobody knows how to make everyone better off without making some people worse off.

"I know that some of you are disappointed that your guy lost the election, but consider this: in debates about government policy, advocates make claims that 'the economy' will be better if their ideas are adopted. Keep in mind that none of those claims are verifiable even if the policies are implemented, since we can never know how 'the economy' would have performed if a different policy were implemented.

"There is no science of economic policy. There are simply interests, and alternative policies affect those interests in different ways. Will we be better off with low taxes or high taxes? Nobody knows. But you can bet that those who advocate high taxes will be better off if that policy is implemented, and vice-versa."

This is Mr. Rothschild's slightly convoluted way to say that 'politicians are gasbags.'

Later, in the Music Library, Pamela sits at the fortepiano while Albert sketches. Owing to the absence of privacy, they both retain their clothes.

Albert slips onto the fortepiano bench next to Pamela, puts his arm around her and whispers: "Maybe we should go back to my room and listen to Domenico Scarlatti?"

Pamela's heart goes thumpity-thump. But she remembers some advice from Molly and Anna. "And maybe you should take a cold shower, Mr. Casanova," she says, tartly.

Albert groans. "Are we really going to drag this out?"

Pamela smiles. "We have two weeks. You can wait that long, can't you?"

Meanwhile, in Stapleton, Megan sits in the waiting room of Dr. Graft, the plastic surgeon. She reads the latest issue of Slut magazine.

In a world of extreme makeovers where human bodies are now fashioned to order, this may be the ultimate plastic surgery. It is called hymen restoration — a relatively simple procedure that stitches back together what a moment of passion might have shattered.

Megan wonders if it still works when the moments are measured in hundreds.

Free Phones

After breakfast, Pamela tutors Molly and Anna in Counterpoint, though the topic of interest is coitus, or the potential thereof.

"How was your date with Albert?" asks Molly.

"It went well," responds Pamela. "He put his hand on my thigh."

Anna inquires. "Do you think you will...?" Ever the lady, Anna does not complete the sentence but her meaning is clear.

Pamela ponders. "I think he will be an adequate sexual partner."

"He likes Domenico Scarlatti," Molly interjects, helpfully.

"He does," says Pamela. "It's a point in his favor."

In the early afternoon, Roderick calls Mr. Smith to commiserate about the election. "It sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does."

"So what's next?"

"Well, today I have two customers that need some help and I want to do some writing."

"No, I mean in politics."

"Just keep the Studebaker in mind."

Roderick is puzzled. "The Studebaker? You mean our Studebaker?"

"Right, the one in the garage."

"What does that mean for politics?"

"They don't make them anymore."

"Right."

"And if you polled people about their favorite cars, not many would say Studebaker, right?"

"Right." Roderick figures that about ten people would say 'Studebaker'.

"But it still works, and we're going to keep it."

"It stinks to watch other college students cheering results of the election."

"Yes, I understand. But look at it like this: yesterday, those students had to grapple with a tough job market for young people. And tomorrow, the job market will be just as tough. It would likely be just as tough if the other guy won, too. So exactly what do they have to cheer about?"

"Won't it hurt your business if taxes go up?"

"Not really. If taxes go up, people need more help with investments, not less."

"So I guess the health care bill won't be repealed."

"It wouldn't have been repealed if the other guy won absent a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate."

"Our candidate had a serious plan to reform entitlements."

"Voters don't care about that. They don't want to hear about shared sacrifice. They want soundbites, photo-ops and free phones."

"Doesn't this mean the country is going to hell in a handbasket?"

"Sort of. But look at it like this. You and I think that the guys who won are going to implement terrible policies that will ruin the country. We're either right or wrong about that. If we're wrong, the country will turn out all right. If we're right, we'll still be right when the next election comes around."

"But we have 7.9% unemployment! Doesn't that prove that the incumbent's policies are bad?"

"Voters don't care about the unemployment rate. They care about free phones."

"So what do we do now?"

"Go and spend time with Molly."

"Thanks, Dad."

That evening, Roderick cuddles under the comforter with Molly. "I called my Dad to talk about the election. He told me to spend time with you."

Molly smiles and cuddles back. "What election?"

Irony

In the conservatory, Pamela Primrose plays Poulenc’s Pastorelle for Piano perfunctorily. It is the penultimate piece in her practice period. Happily, she closes with works of Domenico Scarlatti, her favorite composer. With flying fingers, she plays sonati: D minor, G major, A minor, G minor, another D minor….

Pamela pauses.

Primping her pink pinafore, she sighs. Tonight is the big date with Albert. Will he turn out to be her true love? Barring that, will he at least fuck her quickly, so they can get on with the rest of their lives? She ponders this point, a little surprised at that she would think the word ‘fuck’.

She sighs again. It’s hard to live alliteratively.

Meanwhile, in Human Figure class, Albert sketches Molly ruefully; he’s bummed that she is so beautiful, yet unavailable. Tonight is the big date with Pamela; she is pretty and petite but seems a bit persnickety. Hopefully, she’s not prim, prudish or puritanical. So far as sex is concerned, there is no room for procrastination.

In his History of Banking class, Roderick listens intently to Mr. Rothschild. “In the last lecture, we covered the Peruzzi and Bardi banking families, how they built wealth through manufacturing and trade, then lost it all by lending to princes, popes and kings. Today we will cover the rise and fall of the Medici Bank.”

Mr. Rothschild proceeds to detail how numerous banking families competed in the latter half of the fourteenth century, but the Medicis emerged as the dominant banking family as they consolidated political control in Florence and were able to exile their competitors. Lending to kings and popes, the Medicis negotiated special privileges and subsidies that enabled them to earn above-average profits in the textile trade, which in turn increased the capital they could lend.

This arrangement worked well for many years, but the Medicis ran into trouble when Edward IV defaulted on his loans, causing the failure of the London branch in 1478. The bank continued to decline until 1494, when the Charles VIII of France, an ally of the Pope, invaded Florence and seized the remaining assets.

“Why do we care about this?” asks Mr. Rothschild, rhetorically. “The idea of a free market is sometimes cast by its supporters and detractors as a legacy from an earlier period. But the historical actors in the period we’re looking at had no concept of economic liberty. They built their fortunes through close collaboration with the state, facilitated the activities of the state, and owed their business existence to the state.”

Roderick thinks this is kind of interesting, but at the moment he is more interested in Megan’s seeming interest in Henry, and whether or not he should promote Emily to second girlfriend.

At seven-fifteen, Roderick, Molly, Emily, Anna, Henry, Megan, Natasha, Pamela and Albert gather outside the Auditorium for the screening of Bob Le Flambeur. It’s quite crowded, so they split up; Roderick sits with Molly and Emily; Anna with Natasha; Henry with Megan; and Pamela with Albert.

Megan chats animatedly with Henry. She begins to wonder if she should have that tattoo removed from her left inner thigh, the one that says “Roderick and Megan 4 Ever”.

Albert and Pamela chat about Domenico Scarlatti until the movie begins; then, as the streets of Montmartre unfold on the screen, he places his hand beneath Pamela’s pink pinafore, and is pleased to discover that her panties are not present. Pamela is shocked, deliciously so.

After the movie, Roderick and Molly return to his room and snuggle under the covers. Molly seems lost in thought. “I love irony,” she murmurs.

“Pamela and Albert seemed to get along well”, says Roderick.

“Yes, they did,” whispers Molly. “I hope it works out for them. They both want so desperately to…well, you know.”

Roderick snuggles Molly. “Speaking of which…”

A Vote for Democrats

Today, for the umpteenth Sunday in Trinity, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs the Bach Cantata BWV 115 Mache Dich, Mein Geist, Bereit (which translates roughly as Prepare Yourself, My Soul).

The Chorale sings in the original German

Mache dich, mein Geist, bereit,
Wache, fleh und bete,
Dass dich nicht die böse Zeit
Unverhofft betrete;
Denn es ist
Satans List
Über viele Frommen
Zur Versuchung kommen.

Which the very erudite audience that fills St. Cecilia Chapel today understands as:

Get thyself, my soul, prepared,
Watching, begging, praying,
Lest thou let the evil day
Unforeseen o'ertake thee.
For in truth
Satan's guile
Often to the righteous
With temptation cometh.

Emily Scharf, Mrs. Dowager, one of the tenor ringers and Zack sing the solo parts.

Mr. Bling of the Theology department delivers today's inspirational message. Today's topic: A Vote for Democrats is a Vote for Satan.

After the service, Roderick, Molly, Anna, Megan, Zack, Emily Scharf and Natasha gather and walk across College Road to the Old Ivy Inn for Sunday brunch. Natasha's parents agreed to pick up the check in lieu of visiting.

Roderick sits between Megan and Molly. "Where's Henry?" asks Megan.

"Natasha invited us," Roderick whispers back. "I guess Henry couldn't make it."

"Oh." Roderick notes a slight look of disappointment from Megan which he thinks is...interesting.

With Election Day coming up, conversation necessarily revolves around politics.

"I thought Mr. Blick was a little over the top today", says Emily between bites of omelet.

Everyone stares at her.

As a rule, Beauneville denizens and their campus brethren at Old Ivy do not discuss politics over meals. This is not a matter of etiquette; there is nothing wrong with discussing politics. It's more a matter of disinterest; everyone knows for whom they will vote, and that's that. Bringing up politics at a meal is like standing at the corner of Twelfth and Main and shouting 'Hey, everyone, I don't know how things work around here.' It simply isn't done.

Also, for the record, in the election of 1924 all recorded votes in Beauneville went for Coolidge. Most people in town are still for Coolidge, or for whomever they think Coolidge would endorse.

In the election of 1964, there were no votes recorded for Lyndon Johnson.

Anna is puzzled. "What is this Democrat Mr. Blick speaks about?"

Roderick proceeds to explain to Anna how American politics work, launching into a brief even-handed history about how the Democrat Party favored slavery and killing Indians, started the Civil War, imposed Jim Crow laws in the South and then, under Wilson, fired all African-Americans working for the government and promoted the Ku Klux Klan; and, on the other hand, how the party of Lincoln freed the slaves and promoted free land, the transcontinental railway, high tariffs and the Gold Standard, and how Coolidge kept everything cool. Then Hoover messed up the Republican brand by promoting big government, but Ronald Reagan won the Cold War.

Not surprisingly, Natasha marches to the beat of her own drummer. "I'm going to vote for President Obama because he supports single mothers."

"What do your mom and dad think? The President likes to demonize wealthy people." Roderick normally avoids political discussion, but is feeling Quixotic today.

"They're voting for the President, too."

"They're not concerned about higher taxes?"

"No, they have a good accountant and won't have to pay more. But they think that all the other wealthy people should pay more."

Megan chimes in. "All I care about is gun rights."

Later that evening, Roderick cuddles with Molly. "I think Megan is interested in Henry," he whispers.

Molly turns to face him. "Really?" She ponders. "Yes, I think that might be a good match. But how will you feel about losing your second girlfriend, Mr. 'I-Have-More-Girlfriends-Than-Time'?"

Roderick shrugs. "That's life, I guess. There's still Emily."

Everything Other Than Taxation

The Business department at Old Ivy College offers a single major, in Tax Accounting. Forbes Magazine recently asked Mr. Vanderbilt, head of the department, to comment on this. His response:

Corporate fads come and go. In the Nineteen Sixties, conglomerates were the thing; in the Nineteen Seventies, it was Marketing. Leveraged buyouts were hot in the Nineteen Eighties, and in the Nineteen Nineties Information Technology was the next new thing. In the Two Thousands, everyone wanted to get in on Outsourcing, Globalization and Securitization.
Over the last fifty years taxation and its avoidance is the single constant in business.

Privately, Mr. Vanderbilt expresses the same sentiment more succinctly:

Everything other than Taxation is bullshit.

Henry Witherspoon is enrolled in the Tax program. His transition from Kulturpunk to aspiring accountant was rather abrupt. One day, he revered Felix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy, Robert Schumann and Bettina von Arnim; the next, he thought little about anything other than accelerated depreciation, tax-loss carryforwards and Subchapter S corporations. Some find this hard to understand.

"I simply can't understand how Henry Witherspoon can go from Kulturpunk to Tax Accountant," says Molly as she eats lunch with the usual crowd.

Megan has no trouble understanding Henry. "It's all about pussy," she says.

Anna, on Roderick's left, whispers to him: "What is this pussy...like cat?" Roderick just smiles.

Molly doesn't understand. "What do you mean...all about pussy?"

"Henry wanted sex with Natasha," Megan explains. "Natasha is a Kulturpunk. Henry understands that the shortest way to a woman's pussy is through her soul. So Henry became a Kulturpunk, too."

Molly frowns. "But if that's true, why did he stop?"

Before Megan can answer, Natasha joins them. She wears a black leotard and jeans; the leotard exposes her very shapely figure. Today, her black hair is gathered in a bunch and tossed over her right shoulder. Natasha takes a seat at the end of the table, to Roderick's right.

"God, the brats are driving me crazy. I try to Skype them now and then, and every time it's like 'Hi, Felix! Hi Fanny!' and they just sit there and drool and scream for Mrs. Pampers. And they can't even walk yet. I think Witherspoon must have defective genes or something, because these kids are turning out to be retards."

Roderick wants to say something conciliatory in response, but his mind is focused at the moment on how hot she looks. Meanwhile Molly, sitting across from Roderick, thinks she understands now why Henry is no longer motivated by the possibility of sex with Natasha.

Henry Witherspoon joins them, taking the one remaining seat at the table directly across from Natasha. "Hello, everyone!" he says, cheerfully.

Natasha glares. "Traitor! Apostate! Turncoat!" she hisses.

Henry glares back. "Bitch! Slut! I'll sue for custody!"

"My father will crush you like a bug!"

Roderick interjects. "It's nice that the two of you can communicate your feelings."

In the evening. Roderick and Molly work on Logic, Rhetoric and Mathematics in her room. Around ten, they set the clocks forward and slip under the covers.

Molly snuggles against Roderick. "What about you?" she whispers. "Are you motivated solely by the possibility of pussy?" she giggles.

Roderick recognizes this to be a loaded question. He snuggles back.

The Invitation

Roderick coaches Albert, who will meet Pamela in a few minutes.

"Be assertive. Girls like alpha males. But don't come on too strong. Be yourself. Ask her to talk about herself, girls like that. Tell her she looks nice. But don't overdo it, or she'll think you're desperate. Tell her you like Domenico Scarlatti."

"I do like Scarlatti."

"Not just any Scarlatti, it has to be Domenico Scarlatti. Not Alessandro, Francesco, Giorgio, Giuseppe, Pietro or Rosa Scarlatti. She thinks they're all lame. Has to be Domenico Scarlatti."

"OK"

"Wipe the paint off your hands. Don't ask her to model for you the first time you meet her."

"Um...."

"Just casually see if she wants to join you at some campus event, you know, ever so casual. Like, it would be kind of cool if she joins you, but hey, whatever. We're all going to see Bob le Flambeur in the Auditorium on Monday, maybe she'd like that."

"What's Bob le Flambeur?"

"Bob le Flambeur is a 1956 French gangster film directed by Jean-Pierre Melville. Inspired by American film noir, it is often considered a precursor to the French New Wave. It's part of a series of classic French films co-sponsored by the Old Ivy Film Club and the Old Ivy French Club."

Meanwhile, Anna coaches Pamela.

"Let him know you like him. But don't come on too strong, guys don't like girls who are pushy. And don't look desperate. Try to be sexy, but not slutty. And try to be open-minded."

"He has to like Domenico Scarlatti."

"Okay, okay, ask him about that but try to be flexible. He'll probably ask you for a date. Don't go to his room on the first date. If he doesn't seem sure, suggest something casual, like maybe he'd like to escort you to the screening of Bob le Flambeur on Monday."

"What's Bob le Flambeur?"

"Bob le Flambeur is a 1956 French gangster film directed by Jean-Pierre Melville. Inspired by American film noir, it is often considered a precursor to the French New Wave. It's part of a series of classic French films co-sponsored by the Old Ivy Film Club and the Old Ivy French Club."

Roderick, Albert, Anna, Pamela, Molly, Megan and Natasha all meet in the lobby of the Dining Hall. Everyone grabs a plate of food for dinner, then takes a seat at the table in a carefully planned fashion, so that Albert and Pamela sit next to one another.

Helpfully, Roderick gets the ball rolling between the two of them.

"Albert's having a birthday this month," he says to Pamela.

"Really?" Pamela replies, turning to Albert. "Me too. How old will you be?"

Albert takes a sip of milk. "Twenty-one. And you?"

Pamela instantly blushes. "Oh. Me too."

There is an instant shock of recognition between the two.

After a slightly awkward pause, Pamela asks "Do you like music?"

"Oh yes" says Albert. "Especially music for keyboard from the late Baroque period."

"Who is your favorite composer?"

"Well, that's a tough one...there are so many...but I guess if I had to name one composer it would be...Scarlatti."

Natasha, sitting on the other side of Pamela, winces.

Pamela is interested, but suspicious. "Which Scarlatti?"

"Oh, Domenico, of course."

Pamela's heart goes thumpety-thump.

"So I was wondering," says Albert, "if you would like to come with me to see the screening of Bob le Flambeur at the Auditorium on Monday night. Bob le Flambeur is..."

Pamela interrupts: "...a 1956 French gangster film directed by Jean-Pierre Melville. Inspired by American film noir, it is often considered a precursor to the French New Wave. Melville is well known for his tragic, minimalist film noir crime dramas, such as Le Doulos, Le Samouraï and Le Cercle Rouge."

Wow, thinks Albert. She completes my sentences.

Albert and Pamela agree to attend Bob le Flambeur together.

Later that evening, Molly cuddles with Roderick. "I think it's nice that Albert and Pamela are going out together."

Roderick agrees. "Hopefully, things will work out for them."

"If they do, we should throw them a twenty-first birthday party."

"And a deflowering party."

They snuggle and snooze.

Postcards

There is a TV in the East Quad Lounge which is rarely watched. Today Roderick and a number of other students gather to see a live press conference broadcast on Washington County Community Cable. Robert "Bobby" Butts, nephew of the distinguished Congressman and mayor of Stapleton, will address the public on the urgent matter of emergency response to Hurricane Sandy.

The TV camera shows a podium set up in the parking lot of the E. Bigelow Butts Municipal Services Center, which was known as 'City Hall' until 1994, when the distinguished Congressman earmarked funds for wheelchair ramps and other improvements. While there are presently no residents of Stapleton who use wheelchairs, the ramps are quite popular with local skateboard punks, who own the premises after dark.

Behind the podium is an aging sign that reads:

This project funded by the American Recovery Act
Barack Obama, President

The sign refers to a project funded in 2009 to add nasturtiums to the flower beds around the flagpole in front of the Municipal Services Center. Work has not started pending completion of an Environmental Impact Assessment and an Economic Development Plan. The consulting firm of Butts and Co. are engaged to complete these essential planning documents, and expect to complete work in 2016.

The press, consisting of one reporter from the Stapleton Gazette and a cameraman from Washington County Community Cable, gather in the parking lot. Mayor Butts steps to the podium, accompanied by the Directors of Emergency Services, Law Enforcement, Fire Protection, Utilities and Intergovernmental Relations, plus two sign language interpreters, one for American Sign Language and one for Signing Exact English. Simultaneous translation of the broadcast will be provided in fifty-seven languages and dialects, although so far as anyone knows everyone in Washington County speaks English.

Mayor Butts clears his throat

" Ahem -- heh, heh, is this thing working?" (Sound of feedback). "OK,OK. Ahem. So I'm here today to talk about emergency response to the recent storm. As you know, city and county workers are working round the clock to restore services..."

The mayor pauses and listens to a whispered message from the Director of Emergency Services.

"Correction. City and county workers are working from nine to four with lunch break and two coffee breaks to restore city services. As of this moment, all city services are restored, since none were interrupted, so it's pretty much business as usual. However, there are reports that gusty winds blew some apples off the trees in West Puddleton, and the E. Bigelow Butts County Emergency Response Center is still flooded."

The E. Bigelow Butts County Emergency Response Center is in the basement of the building formerly known as the County Courthouse, and now used as a Visitor and Tourist Information Center.

"We have applied to FEMA for emergency grants to cover crop losses in West Puddleton and also to pump out the Emergency Response Center and replace all of the equipment."

Mayor Butts takes a question. The Stapleton Gazette wants to know what good is an Emergency Response Center if it's the only place that floods.

Roderick doesn't stick around to hear the answer. He has to run and coach Albert before Molly introduces him to Pamela.

Meanwhile, in Smileyville, Mr. Smiley -- who is suddenly aware that Roderick is wondering how he is doing -- sits down and writes a postcard.

Dear Roderick,

Clothilde and I hope you're doing well at school. We're doing fine.

Love,

Mr. Smiley

Clutching the postcard, Mr. Smiley drives into town to buy stamps, mail the postcard, pause for a Cafe Smiley -- which, as you may know, consists of warm chocolate milk topped with whipped cream and sprinkles -- feed the ducks, shop for cheese and buy a case of fresh postcards.

Smileys send a lot of postcards.