The Old Ivy Chamber Orchestra -- Mr. Ralf Geschwindigkeit, Music Director -- performs the works of classical composers such as Bach, Haydn, Mozart, Beethoven and Schubert. Several times a year, the Orchestra joins forces with the College Choir to perform classics of the choral repetoire, such as the Mozart Requiem or Haydn's The Seasons.
This afternoon, members of the orchestra gather in the Auditorium to rehearse for the next concert. The violinists -- all of whom are surnamed Chang -- fiddle and scrabble, each hoping they will one day emerge from the anonymity of section playing and stand before the world solo, performing Brahms, Mendelssohn or Tchaikovsky. The violas, on the other hand, pray for obscurity and hope that no composer will be so daft as to require them to be exposed. The cellists are of mixed feeling, wishing in part to play a beautiful solo or to blend in seamlessly with the others, but the women amongst them mostly hope they can avoid an upskirt situation.
The string basses are cool, because they can play jazz.
As expected, there are many more prospective flautists than the three required. Mr. Geschwindigkeit chose the best of the lot back in September. There were the usual jokes about the unique qualities of a flautist's embouchure and what is actually required to be selected, but it's no accident that the three young women selected are really hot. Betsy Whistler, the third flautist, doubles on piccolo.
Oboists are in short supply, and were it not for the Reed twins (Ralph and Rachel) there would be none. Mr. Geschwindigkeit likes to joke that his Oboe section is 'double-Reed', a joke that the Reeds think is really funny but nobody else quite understands.
Clarinets are cool, too, because they can double on saxophone and play jazz. Roderick doesn't do this, but he's mindful that he could.
The bassoons are problematic. Mr. Geschwindigkeit was fired from his previous position after referring to the bassoons as "fagotte"; the campus GLBT association filed a grievance, and that was the end of him. (Nobody objected when he called the violas "bratschen", but it did seem odd.) Since then, he avoids speaking with the bassoonists at all even when they are obviously out of tune (which, sadly, is often the case).
Michael Dampfen, principal horn player, longs to perform the solo from Strauss' Till Eulenspiegels Lustige Streiche, a moment for which he practices constantly but which will never come so long as he plays for the Old Ivy Chamber Orchestra, which is too small to take on Strauss. Stella Wishniak, second hornist, also plays the Wagner Tuba. She likes to sit out on the Quad and play riffs on her tuba until people pay her to stop.
Nancy Pauken plays the kettle drums. Mr. Geschwindigkeit is particularly fond of her drumming, and fond of her propensity to wear very low-cut dresses that reveal ample cleavage when she leans over the drums.
Members of the orchestra hush as Mr. Geschwindigkeit -- known as "the Maestro" -- approaches the podium. He holds up a hand for silence, and murmurs: "Behtoffen, pliss." Everyone shuffles music on the stands and places the sheet music for Beethoven's Symphony Number Five on top. Mr. Geschwindigkeit raises his arms, and the musicians prepare: violins and violas to the chin, cellists sitting erect, string basses with bows poised, woodwinds and brass inhaling, tympanist with drumstick poised.
The Maestro punches the air with his baton, simultaneously erupting with a guttural "BLRGFPT!" and spray of spittal. The orchestra responds: BA-BA-BA-BUMMMMM. Another spastic punch: BA-BA-BA-BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, and silence with the wave of the hand.
Hunching down, Mr. Geschwindigkeit makes the tiniest of gestures toward the second violins. Softly, they kick off the main theme, followed by violas and first violins, building through several measures until, with a grand wave of the Maestro's hand, the winds return with a climactic BA-BA-BA BUM! BUM! BUM!!!!
Mr. Geschwindigkeit waves his hand to stop the orchestra. He points to Roderick.
"You like Behtoffen,yesss?" He hisses the 'yes' in a rather sinister manner.
"Yes, sir."
"Do you think Behtoffen knew how to vrite music?"
"Yes, sir."
"Do you think Behtoffen knew how to vrite for ze klarinetten?"
"Yes, sir."
"THEN VHY DUN'T YOU PLAY VHAT'S PRINTED????"
"I was only off by a note," Roderick mutters, under his breath. Betsy Whistler, who sits right in front of him, turns and winks at him flirtatiously. Roderick couldn't help noticing previously that Betsy is really gorgeous, and since she's wearing a halter top and gym shorts he has a perfect view of her tramp stamp.
Meanwhile, in Beauneville, Megan Cupcake recovers from plastic surgery. She checks her inner thigh, where a large bandage covers the site of the now-purged tattoo. Ow. Still tender.
Having discussed the matter with Dr. Graft, she's still thinking about hymen restoration. The doctor's prognosis wasn't good -- he described the problem as 'cleaning up after a train wreck with a pair of tweezers', which Megan thought was a little insensitive, but point taken.
