The cantata for the day is J.S. Bach's Cantata BWV 12 Weinen, Klagen, Sorgen, Zagen (which translates as Weeping, Lamenting, Worrying, Fearing). The Old Ivy Bach Chorale gathers in the chapel before the service to warm up. As Mr. Mendelssohn steps to the podium, Emily Scharf raises her hand.
"Yes, Miss Scharf?" Mr. Mendelssohn hopes that Emily isn't planning to talk about what happened in the office last Tuesday. It was a spur of the moment thing, purely spontaneous passion. And the velvet handcuffs are just for play.
"Um, why is the cantata for the day about weeping and stuff when we're supposed to shout with joy?"
"Miss Scharf, we simply don't ask such questions at Old Ivy College." Some of the other members of the Chorale give Emily a look -- the kind where you know they're thinking shut up, Emily. Zack squeezes her buttocks.
Meanwhile, in Beauneville, the Smileys attend the Children's Service at the Church of Irony. Today's sermon is The Easter Bunny Skipped Your House On Purpose, You Miserable Brats.
Megan skips chapel this morning to write. She has recently discovered Der Ring des Nibelungen and, feeling that it better suits her exquisitely refined good taste than Pride and Prejudice, she has decided to dump Jane Austen for Richard Wagner. Hearing that Children's Books can sell, she has set out on a project to rewrite the Ring in the manner of Beatrix Potter.
Once upon a time, in a lovely dell with a lovely brook there lived three bunnies named Flipsy, Flopsy and Flutunia. There, in the dell, by the brook, the three bunnies frolicked and gamboled amidst the flowers, trees and a pile of gold.
"Oh, lovely flowers," said Flipsy.
"Oh, lovely trees," said Flopsy.
"Oh, lovely pile of gold," said Flutunia.
"By the way, I've been meaning to ask," said Flipsy, in mid-frolic. "Who left this pile of gold here?"
Flopsy stopped gamboling long enough to answer: "King Votan put it here. We're supposed to protect it."
"That's stupid" said Flutunia. "We're just bunnies, what are we going to protect it from?"
"Oh, lovely flowers," said Flipsy.
At that moment, a large ugly black wolf appeared. "Hey, bunnies!" he grunted. "Who wants to have sex?"
"We mustn't do that," said Flipsy. "This is a children's story."
"Besides," said Flopsy, "inter-species breeding is kind of disgusting."
"And you're ugly," said Flutunia.
The wolf sighs. "Yes, I know it. I've always been ugly. I'm Albert the Wolf, maybe you've heard of me?"
The bunnies frolicked and gamboled.
"Well," said Albert, "if sex is out of the question, I'll just take this gold and be on my way."
"You can't take that gold," said Flipsy. "It belongs to King Votan."
Albert looks around. "King Votan? Is he here?"
"No, he left it here for us to protect."
"You're just bunnies. What's going to stop me from taking this gold?"
"Well," said Flutunia, "if you take the gold everyone will hate you forever."
"They hate me anyway, so who cares."
"If you make a ring out of the gold," said Flipsy, "you will rule the world."
Flopsy slapped Flipsy with her paw. "Shut up, already. You're just encouraging him."
"Ha ha!" said Albert, as he grabbed the gold and stuffed it into his duffel bag. "I shall forge a ring from this gold, rule the world and seek revenge against King Votan!" With that, he slipped back into the woods.
And the bunnies were sad.
Having finished the first chapter, Megan joins the others for brunch at the Old Ivy Inn, where the topic of discussion is Jane Austen. "Jane Austen was a lesbian", declares Megan. "Not that there's anything wrong with that.
