Singers Rarely Read

Roderick was excited about reading Locke's Two Treatises of Government. Thus, he is disappointed to discover that the middle section of Locke's draft, intended for insertion between the first and second treatises, is missing and lost to history. "Bummer," he thinks. "I thought this book was a bargain."

In class, Mr. Parvelescu launches into his lecture.

The first thing you should know about Locke's Two Treatises is that you can ignore the first treatise and the first chapter of the second treatise, since all of that was dropped from the editions available to Enlightenment thinkers and the Founders of the American Republic.

Well thank you very much for telling us that now, thinks Roderick. I can think of better ways to spend a Sunday than trying to decipher Locke's fisking of Robert Filmer. Talk about your straw man arguments -- as if anyone believes in the divine right of kings.

Mr. Parvelescu continues:

So we're going to jump ahead to the second treatise. Here, Locke continues in the Hobbesean tradition of arguing from a state of nature, but Locke's concept of 'nature' differs from Hobbes'. To Hobbes, 'nature" is a state of anarchy and lawlessness, in which life is nasty, brutish and short. To Locke, the state of nature is governed by unwritten natural laws which, because they are unwritten, are subject to conflicting interpretation. Since there is no authority in the state of 'nature', Locke argues, there is no way to adjudicate conflicts, which are consequently settled by force of arms and war.

Thus, while Hobbes argues that civil authority (and the sovereign) are necessary to save us from ourselves, Locke argues that civil authority is a means to clarifying norms and settling conflict without war.

After class, Roderick stops at the Dining Hall to grab a bite. He sees that Anna is sitting with Emily Pointe, the girl who sat with them a week ago. He joins them.

Anna introduces him. "Roderick, this is Emily Pointe."

Roderick waves. "Yes, I remember. You sat with us last week."

"Emily is studying dance."

Ah, thinks Roderick. That explains the small breasts. He tries to think of a way to bring this up for discussion, and concludes that there is no way to do so. "That's nice," he says.

"Were you in class just now?" asks Anna of Roderick.

Roderick takes a bite out of his tuna sandwich. "Yes, Mr. Parvelescu's Foundations of Politics. We're studying Locke's Two Treatises of Government, though actually we're just studying the second because we skipped over the first even though I spent Sunday afternoon reading it."

Wow, thinks Emily. He reads John Locke. Maybe he will fuck me if I treat him nice.

"I haven't read anything by John Locke," says Anna. Neither Roderick nor Emily is surprised by this statement, since Anna is a singer and singers rarely read anything at all.

Better to Wait

Megan continues with her latest project, Pride and Prejudice in tweets.

Big Daddy Bennett @mrbennett
@mrsbennett saw #Bingley today @#Netherfieldpark

Mama Bennett @mrsbennett
RT @mrbennett saw #Bingley today @#Netherfieldpark

LizzyB @elizabethbennett
WTF?

KittyKat @catherinebennett
Feel like shit today #cough

Big Daddy Bennett @mrbennett
@elizabethbennett U know #Bingley?

LizzyB @elizabethbennett
@mrbennett who?

PlainMary @marybennett
I hate Twitter

Mama Bennett @mrsbennett
I don't trust #Bingley

KittyKat @catherinebennett
Still feel like shit #cough

BrattyBennett @lydiabennett
Whassup?

She stops writing, for a moment, takes a deep breath, and plunges into Chapter Three.

LadyLoo @ladylucas
@mrsbennett @janebennett @elizabethbennett @catherinebennett @marybennett @lydiabennett #Bingley is nice. He dances.

Mama Bennett @mrsbennett
@mrbennett I want to see one #daughters living @ #nethersfield

Mama Bennett @mrsbennett
@mrbennett and the rest #married

BigWallet @fitzwilliamdarcy
@charlesbingley u c bennett girlz? #hot

CharlieB @charlesbingley
@fitzwilliamdarcy No just dad

BigWallet @fitzwilliamdarcy
@charlesbingley They r #hot

CharlieB @charlesbingley
@fitzwilliamdarcy u said

LadyLoo @ladylucas
@mrsbennett @janebennett @elizabethbennett @catherinebennett @marybennett @lydiabennett #Bingley bringing twelve ladies to the ball.

PlainMary @marybennett
Fuck that

PrettyWoman @janebennett
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

LadyLoo @ladylucas
@mrsbennett @janebennett @elizabethbennett @catherinebennett @marybennett @lydiabennett Wait only six

PrettyWoman @janebennett
Thank god

PlainMary @marybennett
@elizabethbennett at the ball where R U?

LizzyB @elizabethbennett
@marybennett in the #loo

PrettyWoman @janebennett
@ladylucas @elizabethbennett @catherinebennett @marybennett @lydiabennett #Bingleys OK Hurst OK whois other guy?

LadyLoo @ladylucas
@janebennett @elizabethbennett @catherinebennett @marybennett @lydiabennett #Darcy

BrattyBennett @lydiabennett
@janebennett @elizabethbennett @catherinebennett @marybennett #darcy rowwwr

LizzyB @elizabethbennett
Im just sitting here

BigWallet @fitzwilliamdarcy
I hate #dancing

BigWallet @fitzwilliamdarcy
@janebennett u r hot

CharlieB @charlesbingley
@fitzwilliamdarcy check out @elizabethbennett

BigWallet @fitzwilliamdarcy
@charlesbingley meh

LizzyB @elizabethbennett
Darcy can go fuck himself

Megan pauses, and ponders when to introduce the S&M. Not yet, she decides. Better to wait a few chapters.

The Elusive Mr. Strnk

Two weeks into the semester and Roderick still can't find Mr. Strnk.

At breakfast on Tuesday, he complains: "It's two weeks into the semester and I still can't find Mr. Strnk."

Megan checks her nails. "Who?"

"Mr. Strnk, in the English department."

"Is he lost?"

"I don't know, I just can't find him. I couldn't find him last semester, either."

"Is he on sabbatical?"

"No. I checked with the English department and they say he's not on leave or anything, but he's never in his office."

"Why don't you just go to one of his lectures?"

"No lectures, only tutorials and advising."

"Why do you want to see him?"

"He's the author of The Elements of Twitter Style, the Amazon best-seller. Do you have a copy?" Roderick pushes a small book across the breakfast table. Megan picks it up and begins to read:

Elementary Principles of Tweet Composition

(1) Limit tweets to one hundred and forty characters. 'Nuf said.

(2) Make liberal use of letter homophones, such as abbreviations and acronyms. An abbreviation is a shortening of a word, for example "CU" or "CYA" for "see you (see ya)". An acronym, on the other hand, is a subset of abbreviations and are formed from the initial components of a word. Examples of common acronyms include "LOL" for "laugh out loud" or "lots of love" and "BTW" for "by the way". There are also combinations of both, like "CUL8R" for "see you later".

(3) Use punctuation for stress. Periods or exclamation marks may be used repeatedly for emphasis, such as "........" or "!!!!!!!!!!". Grammatical punctuation rules are also relaxed on Twitter. "E-mail" may simply be expressed as "email", and apostrophes can be dropped so that "John's book" becomes "johns book". Examples of capitalizations include "STOP IT", which can convey a stronger emotion of annoyance as opposed to "stop it". Bold, underline and italics are also used to indicate stress.

(4) Use onomatopoeic spellings. One well-known example is "hahaha" to indicate laughter. Onomatopoeic spellings are very language specific. For instance, in Spanish, laughter will be spelt as "jajaja" instead. Deliberate misspellings, such as "sauce" for "source", are also used

Megan pauses and ponders what Pride and Prejudice would be like as a series of tweets. She imagines:

Jane Austen @jausten
Everyone knows that a rich single man needs a wife. #cw #rich_single_men

Roderick interrupts her reverie. "I have to run, but you can borrow the book." Megan barely notices.

Mama Bennett @mrsbennett
@Mrbennett have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last? #Netherfieldpark #rentals

Big Daddy Bennett @mrbennett
@mrsbennett No

Meanwhile, in the Conservatory, Molly struggles to play Scarbo. It's not going well today.

Scarbo

At dinner, Molly announces that she's starting to learn a new piece on the piano, Ravel's Gaspard de la Nuit.

"Do you like it?" asks Anna.

"I don't know," says Molly. "It's very hard."

After dinner, Roderick sits at his desk surfing YouTube. He watches this video about Berlusconi.

Gosh, he thinks. That Berlusconi fella sure knows how to throw rocks at a beehive.

Molly knocks on the door and slips inside without waiting for Roderick to answer. Moments later, her clothing is on the floor (again, without waiting for Roderick).

"Look what I found," says Roderick, gesturing toward the computer screen. Molly is curious; she looks over Roderick's shoulder.

Together, they watch this video of Valentina Lisitska playing the third and final movement of Gaspard, (entitled Scarbo). For nine minutes, they watch, transfixed.

At the end of the video, Molly lets our her breath. "Phew," she says. "Those hands. It looks hard."

"She looks like you," says Roderick. "Except for that pink dress."

Molly agrees that the pink dress looks ridiculous. If Molly had her druthers she would perform in the nude, but it's generally not permitted.

The Elements of Style

Today is Septuagesima Sunday, seventy days before Easter and the third Sunday before Lent. Today, in St. Cecilia Chapel, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs J.S.Bach's Cantata BWV 92, Ich hab in Gottes Herz und Sinn. Emily Scharf sings the Soprano solo while Zack fondles her buttocks; Mrs. Dowager sings the Alto solo; one of the ringers sings the Tenor solo; and Zack sings the Bass solo while Emily fondles his buttocks.

The text of the cantata is based on the Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard. Mr. Throb of the Theology faculty offers today's inspirational message. He begins by reading aloud the pertinent passage from the Bible:

For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard. And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way. Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise. And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle? They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive. So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first. And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house, Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day. But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee. Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good? So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.

Mr. Throb finishes reading and looks up at the congregation. "Okay," he says. "I have several thoughts about this parable.

"First, these laborers are pretty stupid, working all day for a penny. I mean, what can you buy with a penny? Pretty much nothing. You might as well collect welfare or unemployment or whatever.

"Also, this householder is a piece of work. I mean, he pays his workers peanuts and on top of that he pays the same amount to the workers who start early and those who start late, which is almost certainly violates labor laws in most states. Then, when the workers complain he quotes contract law and says, like, 'hey, this is my property and if you don't like what I pay you go fuck yourself'.

"Which reminds me of that passage in Marx where the factory owner shows the worker the great army of the unemployed standing outside to justify paying starvation wages.

"So if the householder is a metaphor for God or something, I'd say we need a union.

"Other than that, I have no idea what this parable is about, so let's cut this short."

With that, Mr. Pipes cranks up the organ with a triumphal recessional and the service is over.

Lily Chang awaits outside. She invites Roderick to lunch with suggestions of possible sex. Roderick is tempted -- the sight of her decolletage reminds him, once again, that she is buxom for an Asian girl (even one from Minneapolis) -- but he declines. "I have to read John Locke for Mr. Parvelescu's seminar," he says.

Back in his room, Roderick stretches out on the bed with Locke's Two Treatises and begins to read Book One:

Slavery is so vile and miserable an estate of man, and so directly opposite to the generous temper and courage of our nation; that it is hardly to be conceived, that an Englishman, much less a gentleman, should plead for it. And truly I should have taken Sir Robert Filmer’s Patriarcha, as any other treatise, which would persuade all men, that they are slaves, and ought to be so, for such another exercise of wit, as was his who writ the encomium of Nero; rather than for a serious discourse meant in earnest, had not the gravity of the title and epistle, the picture in the front of the book, and the applause that followed it, required me to believe, that the author and publisher were both in earnest. I therefore took it into my hands with all the expectation, and read it through with all the attention due to a treatise that made such a noise at its coming abroad, and cannot but confess my self mightily surprised, that in a book, which was to provide chains for all mankind, I should find nothing but a rope of sand, useful perhaps to such, whose skill and business it is to raise a dust, and would blind the people, the better to mislead them; but in truth not of any force to draw those into bondage, who have their eyes open, and so much sense about them, as to consider, that chains are but an ill wearing, how much care soever hath been taken to file and polish them.

He pauses. Wow, he thinks, that paragraph is a doozy. And who the bleepity-bleep is Sir Robert Filmer?

He continues to read:

If any one think I take too much liberty in speaking so freely of a man, who is the great champion of absolute power, and the idol of those who worship it; I beseech him to make this small allowance for once, to one, who, even after the reading of Sir Robert’s book, cannot but think himself, as the laws allow him, a freeman: and I know no fault it is to do so, unless any one better skilled in the fate of it, than I, should have it revealed to him, that this treatise, which has lain dormant so long, was, when it appeared in the world, to carry, by strength of its arguments, all liberty out of it; and that from thenceforth our author’s short model was to be the pattern in the mount, and the perfect standard of politics for the future.

Roderick pauses again. Jeez, he thinks. This guy Locke never read The Elements of Style, it seems, especially the part about omitting needless words. Boil those grafs down, dude, to something like 'Slavery sucks, Filmer's an idiot and I'm going to flatten him.'

He starts reading again, but there is a knock on the door. It's Megan, dressed in her Regency gown. She pushes in.

"Mr. Darcy, I came by to tell you that I couldn't possibly submit to your salacious lust unless, of course, you force me to do so."

Okay, perhaps Locke can wait awhile.

Second Girlfriend Redux

"Great news!" says Natasha, at breakfast. There is a pregnant pause as Roderick, Molly, Anna and Megan all wait for the shoe to drop.

"Um, what's that?" inquires Roderick, who generally does not like to wait for shoes to drop.

"I've been selected for the Spring Art Exhibition, and I get a featured position in the gallery."

"Well, um, that's nice," says Roderick.

Molly reddens slightly.

Anna asks: "What will you exhibit?" It's the question everyone is thinking.

"Well, there's Molly's Ladyparts, of course. I settled on that name (thank you, Megan). And Molly, Afterwards, the other one you saw a couple of months back; and I have a whole series of Molly paintings from last year, but my work has matured so much since then."

Roderick takes a bite of scrapple. "By 'matured', I guess you mean 'more pornographic'."

Natasha looks slightly insulted. "I'm an artist. Don't oppress me with bourgeois categories."

Molly is resigned. "So I guess my private parts will be on display for all to see."

Anna offers some practical wisdom. "It's kind of an occupational hazard when you pose in the nude."

Later in the day, Roderick sits at the desk in his room checking out Nigel Farage videos on YouTube. There is a knock on the door; it's Megan. Roderick invites her in.

Megan's pursuit of Henry is not going well. The differences, it seems, are too great: Henry is quiet, diligent, hard-working, rational and focused on tax policy; Megan on the other hand is obsessed with Jane Austen, guns, sex and is pretty much stark raving crazy. Megan had hoped that patience and trust would overcome these differences, but now realizes that patience and trust are qualities she lacks.

So she's hitting on Roderick again.

"Ooh, Mr. Darcy, I have something in my eye. Can you check it for me?"

"Um, OK, sit down on the bed here." Roderick motions, Megan sits and Roderick sits next to her. He inspects her eye. "I don't see anything."

Megan blinks a few times. "There's it's gone now," she says, smiling. "Just give me a minute to recover."

They sit together for a few minutes.

"Mr. Darcy, I do believe you will have to punish me, because I'm very naughty today."

Roderick doesn't quite understand who 'Mr. Darcy' is or why Megan is addressing him as the aforementioned Darcy, but figures he will play along, because it's generally a good idea to play along with Megan when she's carrying her Glock. "Naughty? What did you do?"

Megan snuggles close. "I didn't change my underwear today."

"You don't wear underwear."

"Exactly!" says Megan.

Roderick looks at the clock. "Wow! It's almost ten o'clock. Time for bed. Gotta sing in the Chorale tomorrow."

"It's dark outside, can I sleep here?" pleads Megan.

"Um, OK." Roderick is too kind to point out that Megan lives down one flight of stairs and about twenty feet up a well-lit corridor.

"You don't mind if I sleep naked, do you? It relaxes me."

"Um, no, I don't mind."

"And can I snuggle up against you to keep warm?"

"Um, sure."

It's dark and the room is quiet. Roderick can hear a soprano warbling something in the distance, and wonders if Anna is practicing.

"Mr. Darcy?"

"Yes?"

"Can I be your second girlfriend again?"

Roderick consents to the arrangement, not because he is disloyal to Molly but because he is completely and totally loyal to Molly.

At least, for the time being.

Absence of Sex Toys

This evening, Natasha unveils her latest "Molly" painting.

"I dread this," says Molly at breakfast.

"She promised no sex toys," says Roderick, reassuringly, between bites of scrapple.

"I don't let her near mine," says Megan, giggling.

"Still, I just think she has something up her sleeve," says Molly. She refers, of course, to Natasha's incomplete understanding of the Beauneville Latin motto, which translates as "Anything is permitted as long as it's tasteful"; she comprehends the former but not the latter.

"Did I tell you that 2013 is the bicentennial of Pride and Prejudice?" interjects Megan, changing the subject. Roderick and Molly are too kind to point out that since New Years' Day, Megan has spoken of little else.

At the appointed hour, Roderick and Molly walk together down the hall to Natasha's suite and knock on the door. A butler opens the door and peers at them imperiously. "Yessss?"

"Um, we're here for the unveiling."

"I presuuuuume that you are invited."

"Yes, we are."

"And your names?"

"Roderick and Molly."

The butler looks over his shoulder. "They may enter." It's Natasha speaking. The butler stands aside and beckons to them. They enter.

Albert and Pamela are already there, noshing. You can generally depend on Albert and Pamela to arrive to any event early, and to liberally partake in whatever digestibles are present.

Natasha greets Roderick and Molly. "I'm so glad you came."

Roderick looks at the butler and back to Natasha. "What happened to the last one?"

Natasha dismisses the question. "I need variety."

Shortly, Anna and Megan arrive. Megan wears her favorite 'Jane Austen meets S&M' outfit, consisting of a long Regency gown and a dog collar. While Molly is in the bathroom, Megan nuzzles up to Roderick. "Want to know what I'm wearing underneath this gown?"

"Um..."

"Nothing." She whispers that information while pressing herself against Roderick in such a way that the veracity of the statement requires no verification.

"Okay, everyone, it's time," calls Natasha. She stands next to a covered easel on which there is a large portrait-style canvas that appears to be about three feet wide and four feet wide. Everyone gathers around, and with appropriate drama, Natasha lifts the cover.

Nothing is said for at least fifteen seconds. Natasha looks from face to face, searching for a response.

Roderick breaks the silence. "Uh, when did you decide to go abstract?"

Natasha scowls. "It's not at all abstract, it's purely representational."

Molly reddens slightly. "Oh, I think I know what it is." She reddens some more.

Roderick looks at the painting again. "Oh, right. Yes, I see. Very realistic. Almost...."

"Anatomical." Anna finishes his sentence.

More silence.

"So, um, what do you think you will name it?" wonders Roderick.

Natasha looks at the painting, then back to Roderick. "I'm not sure. I was thinking Molly's Vagina, but that sounds too clinical. What do you think?"

Roderick ponders. "Quim sounds nicer."

"Ladyparts" says Megan, perkily.

"Fica" says Anna.

Molly is puzzled. "I don't understand. How did you get the detail? I've never posed for you like that."

Natasha ruffles through a photo album and produces an image of Molly standing, nude, in the manner of Venus. On the image, a little rectangle is marked at a strategic location. On the next page, Natasha shows them the little rectangle massively enlarged.

Molly is still confused. "But look at it! It's so blurry you can't make anything out."

Natasha shrugs. "Silly. I just used a mirror on myself to fill in the details."

Later that evening, Roderick snuggles up to Molly. Ever positive, he points out the absence of sex toys in Natasha's painting.