When Roderick Wakes Up Sunday Morning...

When Roderick wakes up Sunday morning, Molly is curled up in his arms. He sits up slightly in bed. Molly groans the way people do when they're waking up, stretches like a cat then snuggles up tighter, her blue eyes wide open. Roderick thinks Molly is beautiful. She really is, especially so when nude and snuggled up.

"Megan Cupcake wants to be my girlfriend", he says.

"That's nice", says Molly.

"You don't mind?"

"No, not at all. Just remember our pledge."

"I remember."

Some people think Molly is cold and unfeeling. In fact, the opposite is true, as anyone who has ever heard her play Schubert's A-Minor Piano Sonata D. 845 -- the one that closes with a diabolical Rondo in Allegro Vivace, which Molly plays like a whirlwind. Listen to Molly play Schubert and you feel her passion.

Of course, the guys who hit on Molly and come up empty-handed don't generally hang out in the concert hall. For the most part, they are guys who witness her modeling in the nude for Human Figure class, or guys who know other guys who witness her modeling in the nude for Human Figure class, and interpret Molly's willingness to openly display her lovely breasts and private parts as a desire for sexual contact with anyone who asks.

Many of these guys are familiar with Molly's sister Mary, who is not only willing but eager to indulge with any guy who proposes the right sum of cash. Hence, you can understand that Molly's disinclination to cavort with these same gentlemen is often taken as a lack of feeling, especially when you consider that the more aggressive lads risk a well-placed karate kick to the groin.

Hence, the scuttlebutt about Molly among a certain set boils down to (1) she's incredibly gorgeous and tempting, but (2) she's a cold bitch who will bust your balls.

The real truth about Molly is simply this: she has no interest in passing dalliances, and she is completely one with Roderick in a manner that is beyond analysis or explanation. It is simply a fact that they have always been together as long as they can remember, and neither can imagine a commitment to anyone other than one another. This transcends labels. Molly doesn't care if Megan wants to be Roderick's girlfriend, because Molly knows that Roderick has exactly one girlfriend.

Molly's faith in Roderick is well-placed. He will never violate the pledge they have with one another to be each other's "first". He can't imagine breaking this pledge, because Roderick will do anything for Molly and would never do anything against her.

He does, however, like the look of Megan's ample cleavage and wouldn't mind putting his head down on it.

In the afternoon, Megan comes over to Roderick's house so the three of them can work on syllogisms. There is much work to do: Mr. Spinoza teaches logic by immersion, and has assigned many syllogisms to work out. Molly may be passionate, but syllogistic logic escapes her. Megan has a flair for gossip and a literary bent, but she is hopeless at rational thought. Roderick helps them both.

Megan writes little love notes to Roderick on her worksheet. Roderick smiles kindly.

After Sunday supper, it's back to Old Ivy in Megan's Mustang. Before leaving, Roderick gives Knuckles and Laddie a hug, but the cats are out and about and unavailable for hugs.

Back in East Quad, Megan has a large suitcase, which Roderick totes to her room. She invites him in to sleep over, which he does whilst keeping his pledge to Molly.

Batshit Crazy

A rainy day in Beauneville. Roderick and Molly drove home last night in Megan's bright red 1965 Mustang convertible. Molly slept over.

Today for breakfast: scrapple and applesauce. At Roderick's suggestion, Molly dresses for breakfast. "My parents aren't used to dining with nude girls", he explains.

"So what classes are you taking?" asks Mr. Smith, slurping his coffee.

Roderick has a mouthful of scrapple and applesauce. "Mmmmpf mmpf mmmmmmmmmpff", he says, gesturing. He swallows. "My classes aren't completely settled. I'm definitely taking Mr. Spinoza's Logic class and Mr. McLuhan's Rhetoric class and Mr. Heytesbury's Mathematics class, but I haven't been able to speak yet with Mr. Strnk or Mr. Rothschild".

Mr. and Mrs. Smith nod. Mrs. Smith turns to Molly. "What about you, Molly?" she asks.

"I'm taking Logic, Rhetoric and Mathematics with Roderick, and studying piano with Mr. Clementi, but I still have to work out my electives".

Knuckles, who sleeps in a little bed in the corner of the kitchen, awakes.

Later in the morning, Molly walks over to the Church of Nothing. There is a big pipe organ left from the days when people used to be devout -- nowadays, it's mostly used to accompany Tibetan throat singing during the weekly Taize service. Opening the main door of the sanctuary, Molly bumps into Mary Bloom in her long white dress. Mary is on her way home from a meeting of the Young Virgins youth group.

Mary grabs Molly by the arm. "You should join our group! You really are a virgin aren't you?"

Molly wriggles free and steps up to the organ. Switching it on, she hears a great sigh as the bellows fills with air. Releasing one of the flute stops, she plays a chorale without the pedals, just to hear the sound. It's nice.

She pulls out all the stops and ramps up the volume. It's truly grand.

Kicking off her shoes, she tries the pedals. Just a scale at first -- she's seen a video of a professional organist play the pedals, which she tries to emulate -- heel and toe, heel and toe, heel and toe. Not smooth. Again. Heel and toe, heel and toe, heel and toe. Sloppy, very sloppy. She's determined to get it right.

Meanwhile, Megan visits Roderick. They sit on the porch for awhile, but since the rain has stopped she suggests they put the top down on the Mustang and go for a ride. Roderick thinks that's a great idea -- and so they drive off, Megan behind the wheel, speeding along the back roads through the apple orchards. Out on Eastmeadow Road, Megan pulls over to the side of the road and stops in a quiet place underneath a huge old oak tree.

From the driver's seat, Megan looks at Roderick inquisitively. "Is Molly your girlfiend?" she asks. "Because I want to be your girlfiend."

Roderick isn't quite sure how to answer. His relationship to Molly is difficult to categorize and explain to others. Also, he's concerned about Megan's feelings and very aware that Megan is batshit crazy and carries a Glock, which is at present strapped to her hip. He scans the horizon.

"OK, then", says Megan, starting the car. "It's settled, then. I'm your girlfiend."

They drive off at high speed. Roderick sees considerable advantages to having two girlfriends, though the benefit is somewhat less when one is armed and batshit crazy.

Not-Zaftig Odalisque

There is a room at the East end of the Old Ivy Main building called the Conservatory, so named because the morning sun floods the room through large windows. There is a large collection of potted plants, orchids, lemon trees and such, but the most prominent feature of the room is the Bosendorfer Imperial Grand piano, the kind with 97 keys. Access to the room is strictly limited; Mr. Clementi teaches piano in this room, and certain of his students -- including Molly -- are permitted to practice here.

Molly arrives early, unlocks the door and enters. Her eyes widen; the piano is a beauty.

She sits, and adjusts the bench. Touching the keys reverently with her long graceful fingers, she pauses, then launches Beethoven's Opus Two F-Minor Sonata. The piano sounds darker or richer than a Steinway; the extra notes at the bottom of the keyboard resonate sympathetically even when not struck, adding additional body to the tone.

Meanwhile, Roderick knocks on Mr. Strnk's office door; there is no answer. Inquiring of the secretary, he learns that Mr. Strnk is again out today. He wonders if Mr. Strnk exists.

At the shooting range, Megan whips off a couple of clips. Pausing at the end of the round, she examines the target. Ten shots, ten in the bull's eye. She's quite pleased with herself.

Around eleven-thirty in the morning, Roderick meets Molly under the Thinking Tree. It's customary to refrain from talking near the Thinking Tree, so others may think. Roderick sits on the ground under the tree, his back to the trunk, and puts his hands on the ground just so. Molly sprawls.

They think for awhile.

The Kissing Tree stands farther down the Quad. It's customary for couples to kiss when sitting beneath the tree. Roderick and Molly will visit the Kissing Tree, but not today.

There is another tree beyond the Kissing Tree, standing in the meadow that slopes to the river, where the tall grass offers some privacy. We shall not elaborate about what it is customary to do under this tree, which shall remain nameless for the present.

Oops. Molly is late for Human Figure class; she waves to Roderick and runs to the studio, where she quickly sheds her flannel shirt and jeans. As the students gather round, Mr. Ingres, the instructor, asks her to lie on a couch in the center of the room. She does so, like a not-zaftig Odalisque.

Under the Thinking Tree, Roderick's reverie is interrupted by the Prelude to Die Walkure played at ear-splitting volume. Mr. Pfaltzgraff is feeling frisky.

Rhetoric

If Logic is the King of knowledge at Old Ivy, Rhetoric is the Queen. Logic teaches the student to distinguish sense from nonsense; Rhetoric teaches the student to speak and write persuasively, with clarity and force. Without this knowledge, the student cannot apply what he has learned.

The Rhetoric exam is also in seven parts covering the essential elements of persuasive speech as well as the history of Rhetoric in Western Civilization. The first exam covers Aristotle's Art of Rhetoric, with a short historical review of the Sophists, Isocrates and Plato. The second exam covers Cicero, Quintilian and Byzantine rhetoric.

Mr. McCluhan's Foundations of Rhetoric class covers the first two parts of the exam. It meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays at nine thirty in the Main Lecture Hall. Roderick, Molly and Megan arrive early and sit near the podium as the class gathers.

At precisely nine thirty, Mr. McLuhan enters the room and strides to the podium, opens his briefcase and pulls out a piece of paper. Walking to the front of the stage, he raises his hand. The hubbub ceases.

"I am Mr. McLuhan and this is Foundations of Rhetoric. In this class, we teach by immersion". He squints at the paper. "Miss Cupcake!"

Slightly startled, Megan raises her hand. "Here."

Mr. McLuhan gestures toward the podium. "Step to the podium, please."

Megan wants to hide. "Me?" she whimpers.

"Is there another Miss Cupcake in the room?"

Resigned to her fate, Megan proceeds to the podium as if to the gallows.

"Thank you, Miss Cupcake. I see that you are carrying a weapon."

"Yes, sir."

"So I presume you support the right to bear arms?"

"Yes, sir."

Mr. McLuhan turns to the class. "How many of you agree that there is an individual right to bear arms?" A smattering of hands go up, about a third of the class. He counts the hands. "...twenty-three, twenty-four...and three in the back make twenty-seven. Thank you, hands down." He turns back to Megan at the podium. "Your assignment is to persuade the class that there is an individual right to bear arms. You have three minutes. Go."

Megan turns beet red. "Um....well....I guess there is, like, a...you know...right to bear arms because it says so in the Constitution...and an armed society is a polite society...my gun makes me feel safe, because if some pervert tries to fondle me I can blow him away... not that I've ever done that, but there's always the potential because I'm kind of hot, you know..."

Precisely three minutes into her speech, Mr. McLuhan yells "Stop!". He turns to the class. "How many of you agree that there is an individual right to bear arms?" Twenty-seven hands go up. Mr. McLuhan turns back to Megan. "Looks like you haven't persuaded anyone, and failed the assignment. Sit down."

Megan slinks back to her seat.

After class, Roderick, Molly and Megan visit the chapel where Mr. Pipes, the Old Ivy organist, plays the chorale prelude Dies sind die heil'gen zehn Gebot from the Orgelbuchlein of J.S. Bach. Roderick commiserates with Megan.

"That was harsh".

Megan says nothing, but Roderick can see she is about to cry. He agrees that she is really hot, noticing that her top two buttons are unbuttoned revealing her ample decolletage. He turns back to Molly, who is completely rapt by Mr. Pipes' clever articulation of the cantus firmus.

"Have you ever considered playing the organ?" he asks.

"I'm thinking about it", says Molly.

Later in the afternoon, Roderick stops by Mr. Strnk's office, but he is still out sick.

Logic

On the way to Logic class in the Main building, Roderick can hear Old Ivy's string quartet in residence, which is aptly named The Old Ivy String Quartet in Residence. He recognizes Mozart's String Quartet K. 465, the "Dissonant" Quartet -- so named for the opening Adagio, where the cello begins with ominous low Cs, the viola joins with an A-flat moving to G, followed by the second violin on E-flat and the first violin on A. This lack of harmony and fixed key continues through the Adagio until it resolves to the C Major Allegro, and we understand that the music up to this point is simply an introduction. Mozart's contemporaries thought the score was printed with mistakes, or the musicians had gone mad.

Roderick thinks it's pretty.

Molly sits next to Roderick in the Main Lecture Hall, where the assembled class awaits Mr. Spinoza's entrance. Logic is a struggle for Molly, who is much better at pounding on the Bosendorfer, dispatching opponents in the karate dojo or putting her private parts on display for aspiring artists. Roderick, who is rather good at logic, has pledged to help her.

Megan Cupcake sits to Roderick's right. Megan is also not well suited to logic, being better equipped to pen trashy novels with artistic aspirations. She's also really good on the firing range, where she spent an hour this morning before class. Old Ivy has an excellent firing range, and the administration encourages students who are appropriately trained and licensed to bring guns to campus. At this moment, Megan's Glock rests comfortably on her hip.

Roderick has also pledged to help Megan with Logic.

The Logic program at Old Ivy is the foundation of the curriculum, on the premise that the educated person must be able to tell sense from nonsense. The Logic exam, which all students must pass, has seven parts, spanning syllogistic logic, propositional logic, predicate logic, modal logic, informal reasoning, mathematical logic, philosophical logic and computational logic. There are additional exams in advanced topics which students may take as electives.

Mr. Spinoza's Logic 1 class serves to prepare students for the first of the seven exams; it covers Aristotelian syllogistic logic, with a brief historical survey of Babylonian, Egyptian and early Greek logic. Roderick wants to do really well in the first exam. He's heard that Mr. Whitehead's seminar in the Spring term is the best way to prepare for the second exam, and admission is strictly limited to students with the top twenty scores on the first exam.

Looking around the room, he figures there are a couple of hundred freshmen. Squaring his jaw, he takes out his pen knife and sharpens his pencil.

Megan whispers in his ear: "It makes me really hot when you do that".

Roderick starts to respond, but stops when he sees Mr. Spinoza stride into the room and write on the chalk board:

Major Premise: Students must pass Logic to graduate.
Minor Premise: Some students do not pass Logic.
Conclusion: Some students do not graduate.

"Any questions?" Mr. Spinoza scans the room.

There are no questions.

Mr. Smoot

On Tuesday morning, Roderick visits Old Ivy professors for academic advising.

First on the list: Mr. Hawley Smoot, Professor of Political Economy. (At Old Ivy, it's customary to address professors as "Mister" rather than "Doctor" or "Professor"). Roderick knocks on the door and enters. Mr. Smoot, who is building a model clipper ship with toothpicks, glowers at Roderick over his thick glasses.

"Yes?"

"My name's Roderick, and I'm interested in Political Economy".

"And...?"

"Um...and I thought I would stop by and introduce myself".

"So you have."

Silence.

"Um...can you tell me something about studying Political Economy?"

"It's a miserable field. No money in it all. Have to read dozens of poorly written papers by clueless and inarticulate students."

"You mean like me?"

"If the shoe fits."

"My Dad is an investment manager, and I would like to do that when I graduate."

"Well, bully for you."

"My Dad says studying Political Economy will help me in my career."

"He's wrong."

Again, silence.

"OK, well...thanks".

Roderick departs.

Meanwhile, in Studio 2B, Molly strikes a pose for the Human Figure class. The windows are open, and Fall air is crisp on her skin. She shivers slightly.

In her third floor room in West Quad, Megan Cupcake cleans her Glock.

Roderick's next stop: Mr. Strnk, Professor of English. A sign on the door says "Out Today!", so Roderick returns to his room.

A little later, Molly returns from Human Figure class, knocks on Roderick's door and slips inside to join him on the couch. She crosses her arms and hugs herself to keep warm. "I'm freezing, can you warm me up?"

Roderick warms Molly up.

Orientation

Roderick turns to the Academic section of the Old Ivy Rules and Regulations, and reads:

All students holding a high school diploma may enroll at Old Ivy College.

Candidates for the Bachelor of Arts degree must complete all sections of the following exams with a score of 80 or higher:

(1) Logic
(2) Rhetoric
(3) Mathematics
(4) Any Foreign Language
(5) Three other exams of the student's choosing

Students may take sections of each major exam separately, provided that all sections are completed within four years.

In addition, candidates must prepare and present a public presentation: a recital, lecture, dramatic performance or other significant project pertinent to the student's field of interest.

Roderick smiles. As they say, at Old Ivy College enrollment is open but graduation is a long shot. He reads on.

Students may prepare for Old Ivy exams in any manner; attendance in class is not required, Old Ivy does not issue grades for classroom performance. Theoretically, students may sit for exams immediately upon matriculation, although the odds of success in such an endeavour are so remote as to be not worth further consideration.

For students seeking to prepare for the exams, Old Ivy offers the following learning activities (described in greater detail in the Bulletin:

(1) Lectures, offered by instructors with in-depth knowledge in the field of study. Lecturers stand at a podium and deliver knowledge, which students write down. Students pay fees for each lecture.

(2) Seminars, led by Professors. Seminars are discussion groups of up to twenty students. Placement in closed seminars is based on prior exam results, and so is not available to first year students. Students pay a fee for each seminar.

(3) Tutorials, consisting of individual coaching offered by professors to students under privately negotiated fee arrangements.

Roderick smiles again. The Board of Directors of Old Ivy College is not aware of the intriguing propensity for certain very attractive young students who contract with the faculty for tutorials to perform surprisingly well on their exams.

Drop-Off Day

On Sunday morning, the Smiths and the Blooms arise early and eat breakfast in the sun room of the Old Ivy Inn. Roderick eats scrapple and applesauce.

At nine in the morning sharp, they drive in a convoy (consisting of Mr. Smith's Studebaker Commander and Mr. Bloom's Buick Roadmaster) to the Old Ivy Campus, proceed along the curving driveway and around back to the door of East Quad, where Molly and Roderick will room. There are no signs. Everyone knows where to go, because everyone reads the directions. Those who attend Old Ivy College understand that it's a good idea to read directions, because there will be nobody around to help if you screw up.

With much huffing and puffing, Mr. Smith, Mr, Bloom, Roderick and Molly tote their bags to the third floor, where Roderick and Molly have adjacent rooms. Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Bloom unpack stuff and organize the rooms. Mary Bloom checks out the campus market for paid sexual services. Margaret Bloom solves differential equations. Catherine Bloom, Mr. Fuzzums and Miss Kitty have an imaginary tea party under the Thinking Tree.

Mr. Prendergast, the Resident Advisor for East Quad, stops by Roderick's room. "You're here for orientation, right?" he inquires of Molly and Roderick.

They nod.

"Here", he says, and tosses them a copy of Old Ivy Rules and Regulations. "Read this. Classes start tomorrow morning." He departs.

Roderick opens to the "Dormitory" rules and reads:

Gentlemen will refrain from spitting inside the building, except in the cuspidors provided.

He closes the book and returns to unpacking.

When all is unpacked, the Smiths and the Blooms hug their offspring and depart.

Back home in Beauneville, Mr. and Mrs. Smith sit in adjacent armchairs in the living room, reading. Knuckles snoozes on the rug. The cats seem unperturbed, going about their business without so much as a "never-you-mind". But Laddie seems upset over Roderick's absence, searching the house high and low. He returns to the living room and lies down next to Knuckles, whining slightly.

Mr. Smith pauses and looks up from his book. "It's not the same here without Roderick", he muses.

Siegfried's Rhine Journey

Outbound from Stapleton to Lake City, the train follows the Rushing River valley past the orchards of Washington County, now groaning with fruit. Mr. Smith dons his headphones, touches "Music" on his iPad and selects Siegfried's Rhine Journey from Gotterdammerung, the last opera in Wagner's Der Ring Des Nibelungen.

At Old Ivy, Mr. Smith attended Herr Pfaltzgraff's seminar on the Ring Cycle. Proficiency in German is not a prerequisite to attend the seminar, but students lacking this skill are unlikely to succeed, as Herr Pfaltzgraff speaks no English. His exams in German History, Literature and Culture are notoriously difficult but immensely rewarding, as the successful student develops a deep understanding of the civilization that gave us Goethe, Schlegel, Brahms and Goebbels.

Daydreaming, Mr. Smith ponders how old Pfaltzgraff is doing. The man is a character, you have to hand him that. Resident Master of the East Quad, he shares his passion for Wagner with the Old Ivy community by pointing the speakers of his high-performance audio system into the Quad and playing excerpts from the Ring at two hundred decibels.

Clickety-clack, clickety clack, clickety clack. The train passes over a switch with a slight lurch, and Mr. Smith holds tight to his coffee so it won't spill.

Thinking again about Old Ivy, Mr. Smith reflects on Roderick's pending departure for school. He feels proud to have such a son. It seems like yesterday that Roderick was a wee lad, toddling about, playing with young Molly Bloom in the garden with the watering can. Molly would lay naked on the grass, Roderick would sprinkle her with the watering can, Molly would squeeze her eyes shut, and then they would laugh and laugh. Mr. Smith remembers that later that day they brought Knuckles the puppy home for the first time. Roderick hugged Knuckles and Molly, still sans clothing tried to hug him but Knuckles ran away.

Back to Pfaltzgraff. Such an interesting Resident Master. And an awesome collection of Nazi memorabilia.