Felix and Fanny are Busy

On a wintry Thursday, Natasha lounges in a comfortable chair at home, hands clasped on her enormous belly. "Felix and Fanny are busy", she murmurs to Henry, and places his hand on her tummy.

"They certainly are", says Henry.

Meanwhile, at the Ericson home, Bibi relaxes in the hot tub, nude. Someone is watching her from the second floor window of a neighboring house.

Megan Cupcake struggles to read Catullus, and wonders who Lesbia is.

At the Blooms, Molly pounds away on the Bosendorfer, doing scales. Mary looks over the Science homework Roderick did for her, the History paper Roderick wrote for her, and the Math homework Margaret did for her. She sighs. It's hard to be a teen.

Margaret moves on to matrix Algebra.

Catherine is having a nice day, a fact she is more than happy to share with all who will listen. At this moment, she has an audience of one, a certain Mr. Fuzzums, who is in every respect a perfect gentleman even though he is a bear.

Roderick continues to read a book about single premium deferred annuities. He is disappointed to discover that since the book was published, the tax law changed and nobody buys them anymore. He resolves to read newer books, or stick to history.

College Day Is Coming

There is an announcement at Beauneville Latin this morning, during morning sign-in:

Juniors: College Day is coming. Prepare yourselves!

That last part is just a sample of the dry humor of Mr. Method, the guidance counselor who also serves as drama teacher. Mr. Method never misses an opportunity to add color to his announcements. For example, last week he posted the following:

O dark and dreadful day! SAT exams will be held on Saturday, February 26, at the E. Biglelow Butz Regional High School.

Mr. Method's announcement about College Day continues:

College Day is a misnomer; it would be best if we called it College Hour, as there will be but three colleges presenting: Old Ivy College, the University of Lake City and Enormous State University. Students who really want to learn about colleges would be best advised to check the internet, or mailboxes at home, as Beauneville Latin has little time or energy to devote to college fairs and the like.

Roderick pauses, and chuckles. That Mr. Method! He's such a comic!

Students seeking to learn more about college life should report to the Gymnasium between one and two p.m., and will be excused from class. Not that an excuse is required, since attendance is never taken.

Molly noodges Roderick. "Are you going?" she asks.

"Sure" he replies. Not that there is any doubt in his mind about where he will go to college. Of course, he will go to Old Ivy. And so will Molly. Roderick thinks about himself and Molly, in the Quadrangle, under the Kissing Tree. Then he thinks about Molly, nude. This requires little imagination on his part, as Molly, nude, is a regular part of Roderick's daily life.

Molly noodges him again. "What are you thinking about?" she asked.

"I was thinking about you, actually", he says. Roderick considers whether or not to mention the no clothes part, and decides against it. Not here at school. There is a time and a place for everything, and morning sign-in is definitely not the best time to discuss erotic thoughts.

Molly smiles. Of course, she is thinking about Beethoven, the Arioso from the A-flat Sonata Opus 110, but also listening to Roderick; Molly's mind is a fugue, with multiple subjects in counterpoint. She can't wait to get to Art class and lose her clothes.

Mary Bloom brushes against Roderick in an almost seductive way. "Thank you so much for helping me with my Science homework", she gushes, batting her big blue eyes.

"You're welcome", says Roderick. What a nice girl, he thinks. So polite and neatly dressed. It hardly matters to him that she barters sex for money and grades; in fact, he finds it intriguing, though not enough to break into his piggy bank.

Mounting the stairway, on the way to English class, Megan Cupcake "accidentally" bumps into Roderick. "Hi Roderick", she coos. "Want to come over after school to 'study Latin'?" She says the words 'study Latin" in such a manner as to make clear that she has something more in mind than Catullus.

"Sure", says Roderick. Roderick knows exactly what Megan has in mind, and is more than happy to oblige, especially so since Molly will be practicing for her big recital. No point in spending an afternoon alone.

Valentine's Day

It is the custom among the youth of Beauneville who attend Beauneville Latin to send notes and gifts on Valentine's Day to the object -- or objects -- of their affection. Said notes may be slipped under doors, placed in mailboxes or be delivered anonymously, but they always convey serious intent; thus, in Beauneville, one does not witness the scattershot sort of Valentine greetings one observes elsewhere. If you get a Valentine in Beauneville, it means that somebody wants you. But you may not always know who.

On Valentine's Day morning, Roderick found one instantly recognizable greeting in the mailbox. It read:

Let's cuddle. Love, Megan

Roderick did not receive a Valentine from Molly, nor did he give her one. They both agreed that no such communication was necessary.

Natasha waddled to the door and found a small gift-wrapped box. Opening it, she found a recording of songs of Fanny Mendelssohn, with a note from Henry. She was in rapture.

Molly Bloom, Megan Cupcake, Bibi Ericson and a host of other girls all found unsigned notes. They all instantly recognized Donny Clapper's unique grammar, style and approach to amour.

Dickie Wickett sent Katie Zeppelin an amorous email. She hearted him on Facebook.

Bibi Ericson is unfamiliar with Beauneville customs concerning Valentine's Day. At lunch, she approached Roderick.

"Vat eez ze Day of Falentine? Eet eez about ze sex, ya?"

Roderick nodded. "Possibly."

Mary Bloom received a number of queries about a possible Valentines Day date, all of which she declined. Marketing 101: customers value something more when it's hard to get.

Catherine Bloom wrote a note to Mr. Fuzzums:

Happy Valentine's Day. To my dearest, my one and only, my love.

In the darkness of Catherine's backpack, Mr. Fuzzums sought to woo Miss Kitty. Miss Kitty, however, in keeping with her character, was demure.

Losing Interest

On Sunday morning, Mary Bloom -- the "good" daughter -- rose early and made the family a nice hot breakfast of pancakes, eggs, sausage and bacon. After filling the plates, she ran back upstairs to dress in her white "virgin" dress and braided pretty blue cornflowers into her long golden hair. Where she found the cornflowers in the dead of winter is a mystery. Suffice to say that girls like Mary Bloom have an infinite supply of cornflowers.

Holding her long white dress up over her boots to keep it out of puddles, Mary sploshed her way through the slush to the neighboring house, where she made a nice hot breakfast for Mrs. Peacock and served it in the parlor. As Mrs. Peacock tucked in to her plate of eggs and toast, Mary sat in the opposite chair and toyed nervously with her cornflowered braids.

"What's on your mind, dear?" asked Mrs. Peacock. Mrs. Peacock understands that when Mary toys with her braids she has something on her mind.

"I think....Miss Agassiz is losing interest in me" stammered Mary, holding back tears.

"Miss Agassiz? What makes you think that, dear?"

"Last week I turned in my homework with mistakes, and instead of having me stay after school for 'correction', she just handed it back with a bad grade. I'm so worried..." Mary burst into tears.

Mrs. Peacock hugged Mary. "There, there, my child", she cooed. "This sort of thing happens in love. But if you want my advice, I think the problem is that you are too easy."

"Too easy?"

"Yes. People like 'Mistress Renee' like resistance. If you give in too easily, they get bored and want to move on. If you want my advice, find someone to help you with your homework for awhile, so you can show Miss Agassiz you don't need her 'special help'. She'll be at your doorstep in no time."

"Oh, Mrs. Peacock, you're so wonderful!" cried Mary, hugging her effusively. Mary ran home just in time to meet her family on the front porch as they set off for services at the Church of Nothing.

Later that morning, Roderick met Megan Cupcake at the doorstep of Mr. Smiley's new cottage. Roderick needed to check the house as he does every Sunday, and Megan wanted to see the place. She followed him to the basement as he checked the furnace, and again as he prowled each room of the house.

In the master bedroom of Mr. Smiley's cottage, there is a large four-poster bed, of Victorian design. Roderick checked the windows. As he turned to leave the room, Megan blocked his egress playfully. "We could play 'house' here, you know..." she murmured suggestively.

While they did not, in fact, play "house" that afternoon, Roderick found the idea to be most interesting.

Around four in the afternoon, Roderick sat in the living room of the Smith house -- Megan had some errands to do, so they split up after lunch. Roderick sat in one of the nice comfortable chairs and read a book about single premium deferred annuities. He borrowed the book from his Dad, and it was a real page-turner.

The doorbell rang; Roderick answered it. Mary Bloom stood on the porch in her long winter coat. Roderick invited her in, and took her coat. Mary had exchanged her white "virgin" dress for her standard "schoolgirl" outfit -- white blouse, plaid kilt, knee socks and penny loafers, which were slightly soggy due to the many slush puddles. "What a nice girl", thought Roderick. "And so nicely dressed..." although her attire did seem a bit odd for a Sunday afternoon.

"Um, Roderick....I was wondering of you could help me with my Science homework...?"

Masquerade

Each year, the Beauneville Latin Senior Class stages the Halloween Masquerade at the Ballroom of the Beaune estate. The party always follows a three-part program, starting with the Silent Masquerade, followed by The Unmasking, and ending with a Celebration.

For dress, the emphasis is on the disguise and not the costume. The most important thing is to disguise your true identity and not to emulate someone else. This is why the first part of the party is silent: attendees point, gesticulate, mime and otherwise use body language to get their points across.

Generally, a dark and evil theme is desirable.

Members of the Senior Class dress completely in black, but do not disguise themselves. They serve as waiters, ushers, bouncers, musicians, and so forth, and two serve as King and Queen of the event, as we shall see.

The Silent Masquerade is brief, and soon the Unmasking begins. Members of the senior class mingle among the attendees and try to guess the identity of each. If the guess is correct, the party-goer removes his or her mask and moves to the side of the room. As the party progresses, the crowd in the center gets progressively smaller. The last remaining young man and young woman to be unmasked will be King and Queen of the party next year.

Finally, there is a general celebration.

The silent nature of the first part of the program complicates Mary's effort to profit from the engagement. Attending in her "schoolgirl" outfit with a mask, her identity is obvious, which is a feature not a bug, since word has spread about the benefits of friendship with Mary. Unfortunately, the need for sign language means misunderstandings are inevitable. Mary enters the party believing she has a partner committed to paying three hundred dollars in exchange for sex. Her partner believes that after the party there will be three types of sex.

The youth of Beauneville crowd the Ballroom. Mozart plays. One young woman -- her gender is obvious -- is completely naked except for her mask; her hair is pulled up and hidden. There are a number of ghouls, draped loosely in flowing capes from head to toe, of uncertain identity and gender. Someone in black has a box over his or her head. Near the punch, a large painted cardboard box has legs and arms.

Felix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy strides to the dance floor. His sister, Fanny waddles behind.

Jane Austen, or a buxom version thereof, observes.

A prostitute stands toward the side, taking notes.

Marie Antoinette and her entourage, all decked out as ladies in waiting at Versailles, arrive with great pomp and splendor.

The unmasking begins. Mary Bloom is the first to be revealed, followed closely by the nude girl, who is revealed as Bibi; her private parts have distinguishing features that are well known to members of the senior class, thanks mostly to Dickie's telephoto lens and website.

The box with arms and legs is Dickie. The box is a giveaway, as it previously held a web server. Katie is also revealed quickly, for similar reasons: she found her box in the trash at Zeppelin Drugs; previously, it held a shipment of condoms.

Jane Austen, unsurprisingly, is unmasked as Megan.

Felix and Fanny Mendelssohn hold out for some time, primarily because most Latins are unfamiliar with the unusual tastes of the KulturPunks.

Betsy Flapper is given away by her entourage.

Mary's partner turns out to be Donny Clapper. Now that speaking is permitted, Mary attempts to close the transaction and discovers the misunderstanding. Donny Clapper is also disappointed, and appears menacing for a moment, until Miss Agassiz -- dressed as Mistress Renee -- collars him and sends him on his way.

Miss Agassiz tugs Mary into an office. "Explain yourself, Miss Bloom", she demands, fondling her whipping stick.

Mary improvises. "I'll be very bad for three hundred dollars."

Meanwhile, in the ballroom, there are just four remaining masked revelers, all of them ghouls. Extremely difficult to identify, they flit and flitter around the center of the room, flapping their capes. By process of elimination, the possibilities are limited, but this is nevertheless the most suspenseful moment of the evening: who will be King and Queen next year?

The Game

...as the lights come up in the Admissions Center, Dick and Anna come to life on the central stage.

"Wow, Anna, that movie was swell!"

"Gosh, Dick, I have a lump in my throat!"

Dick approaches the edge of the stage. "And now, everyone, it's almost time for the big game! Here to lead us to the stadium -- the E-S-Yoooooooooo cheerleaders!"

Again with the raucous music. The cheerleaders, hot scantily clad babes all, run onto stage and form a circle, facing out. The cheerleading captain, in the center of the circle, addresses the crowd: "Let's hear the ESU Spirit Cheer!"

E-S-U! E-S-U!
E-S-U Spirit!
Kick 'em!
Bash 'em!
Stomp 'em!
Smash 'em on the field and grind 'em to a bloody pulp!
Go Bulldozers!
Yay!

The cheerleaders run off stage and outside. The crowd follows and surges across the campus to the stadium. Carried along with the crowd, the Latins struggle to stay together.

Donny Clapper is pumped. "I love this place! Go ESU! Go ESU!", he yells, fist pumping.

Miss Agassiz grabs him by the hair. "Mistress Renee is not happy with the worm", she sneers.

"Ow! My hair!" complains Donny.

"Mistress Renee likes ULC and so does the worm, doesn't he?"

"Yes, yes, I meant to say ULC! ULC!"

The Latins find their seats in the Visitors section, which is surrounded by armed guards to protect ULC fans from overly pumped ESU fans. The ULC cheerleaders, who are selected based on academic performance, are not terribly attractive. They compensate for this by performing topless.

The ESU-ULC game is a closely watched matchup, as the two teams have diametrically opposite approaches to the game of football. ESU carefully recruits the biggest and best high school players that alumni money can buy, gives them the finest equipment and facilities and all the best performance enhancing drugs cooked up by the ESU medical school. The result is a team of gargantuan, intimidating players who delight in maiming the opposition.

ULC, on the other hand, recruits solely from students otherwise admitted to the University. For the most part, the players are skinny, scrawny guys who wear glasses and ponder each decision for an extended period. They win, however, by outsmarting the opposition, and by bribing the referees.

Today is no exception. ESU kicks off to ULC, who receives the ball on their own ten-yard line. In the face of a wall of oncoming ESU special teams, the ULC receiver downs the ball immediately to stop play.

On the first down, the ULC quarterback calls "hike", a swarm of ULC linebackers cross the line of scrimmage and... there is a flag on the play. Offsides. Holding. Defense. Ten Yards. First down, ULC. The topless ULC cheerleaders parade up and down.

Next play. Hike. Swarm. Flag on the play. Offsides. Holding. Defense. Ten Yards. First down, ULC. The ULC cheerleaders shake their breasts.

Next play, on their own forty, ULC passes the ball. Flag on the play. Pass interference. Defense. First down at the site of the penalty. ULC now has first and ten on the ESU forty yard line. The ULC quarterback now elects to run one of those impossibly complicated mathematical plays for which the Quants are known. At the hike, the quarterback hands the ball to the fullback, who runs to the right and hands to the halfback, who runs to the left and hands to the wide receiver, who passes behind the line of scrimmage to the quarterback, who passes to the fullback, who tosses a bomb downfield to the other wide receiver. At the end of the play, there are ten ULC players flat on the ground under piles of hugh ESU defensemen, and the tight end stands unmolested by the goal posts. He does a little war dance.

Meanwhile, Mary Bloom is quite put out. She shows her father a message on her iPhone from Dickie Wickett:

Hav 2 cancel date 2morrow, busy. Another time?

Dickie

Mr. Bloom frowns. "That's a shame, honey. You must feel hurt and disappointed."

"Hurt? It's opportunity cost! He was going to pay me two hundred and seventy five dollars! Where am I going to get a date now? The masquerade is tomorrow!"

Mr. Bloom pats her shoulder reassuringly in his best 'father knows best' style'. "Stand near the door, wait for some single guy and offer a free date if he pays three hundred dollars for sex. Play it smart and you can turn a couple of tricks."

Mary hugs her Dad. "Oh Daddy, you're just the smartest Daddy in Beauneville".

Back at the game, the score is 36-0 in the ESU fans are getting ugly. The Latins decide to leave before there is blood.

On the bus ride home, Roderick and Molly snuggle. "How are you dressing for the masquerade?" asks Molly.

Roderick just smiles.

You and ESU

The film continues...

Gradually, the light increases on the faces of the diverse group of students. The camera pans backwards. We hear the voice of James Earl Jones:

You. And ESU.

Cut to a hand-held video in the student union. Hot girls in minimal attire and ripped guys mingle. The place is bustling. Again, the voice:

ESU is all about you.

A shot of the library shows an ethnically diverse group of students studying:

Your dreams. Your plans. ESU. It's about you.

The cafeteria. Ethnically diverse students eating delicious healthy food.

ESU. Where your dreams come true.

A great lawn. Diverse men and women sitting, standing, playing frisbee, holding hands, reading.

ESU. A four-year party on your parent's dime.

Cut to a classroom. A nutty professor fills a blackboard with equations.

Okay, seriously, your Mom and Dad want you to learn something, right. So let's talk about academics. At ESU, academics are all about you.

Shot of classroom filled with jocks and cheerleaders. An instructor writes C-A-T on the board.

Thinking of an athletic career? Or perhaps you'd like a government job? The ESU Basic Studies Plan means you can move forward quickly to graduation at a reasonable price without a lot of meaningless learning.

Cut to a seminar room. Ethnically diverse students engage in spirited dialogue. Behind the students, on the blackboard, someone has written The Great Gatsby.

If a liberal education is to your liking, ESU Arts and Sciences offers four hundred and twenty-six majors from Anthropology to Zoology, with everything in between. And if you don't see the major you like, just ask! ESU Independent Study means you study whatever you like!

Cut to a different shot of the library. Asian students with stacks of books and papers, cramming for finals.

Think you have what it takes to get into Med School? Consider the ESU Honors College. It's not really a college, nor much of an honor, but you can feel smug for a reasonable price. And ESU's Six-Year Medical Scholars program, offered in partnership with the Medical College of Zimbabwe, offers guaranteed admission to the medical profession in at least some countries!

Shot of a lone student standing by a reproduction of Rodin's The Thinker.

But ESU knows why you're really going to college. Sure, the academics are just the way you like them; the food is adequate and the dormitories are free of major Health Code violations. The football is awe-inspiring. But that's not why you come to ESU. You come for the sex.

Wild party. Girls in wet t-shirts getting hosed down with beer. Guys prancing around the room Chippendale style. A pile of naked, writhing bodies.

That's right, you come to ESU because you want to get laid. And under the ESU Sex Assurance Plan, if you don't get laid in your first semester, your second semester is absolutely free!

Cut to a shot of a huge stadium, backlit by sunset.

Did somebody say football?

Close-up shot of seven huge grunting football players colliding with another seven huge grunting footballers as the pigskin snaps. A moment of chaos. We see a quarterback drop back to pass. He stands, a heroic figure, silhouetted against the crowd until three gargantuan linebackers erupt from screen right, fly through the air and flatten him with a sickening crackle of flesh and bone. The linebackers dance and high-five one another. The quarterback lies motionless. A medical team runs to his assistance.

ESU Spirit. It says: ESU doesn't just play to win. ESU flattens everything in its path.

Cut to black. White titles read: ESU Students Talk About ESU. Camera shots of student talking heads in various places around campus. A pretty co-ed with glasses:

"My name is Emily and I'm double major in Religion and Gender Studies, and I have ESU Spirit!"

A young man wearing an ESU sweatshirt:

"My name is Billy and I'm an Accounting major and I have ESU Spirit!"

Neatly-dressed Chinese girl:

"My name is Ping and I'm a Math major and I have ESU Spirit!"

Latino dude:

"Mi nombre es geraldo y tengo pasión para el ESU!"

Deaf girl (signing):

"Hi I'm not deaf I'm just stupid".

Cut to aerial shot of the vast ESU campus. Row after row of gargantuan Soviet-style dormitories. Sprawling athletic complex. The camera helicopters in on a large field with thousands of students, all looking up at the camera, who extend their arms and shout:

"We have ESU Spirit!"

Cut to black. The letters E, S and the word "You" appear as the James Earl Jones voice closes:

ESU. It's Enormous. It's State. And it's all about You.

The lights come on...