"Wow, Anna, that movie was swell!"
"Gosh, Dick, I have a lump in my throat!"
Dick approaches the edge of the stage. "And now, everyone, it's almost time for the big game! Here to lead us to the stadium -- the E-S-Yoooooooooo cheerleaders!"
Again with the raucous music. The cheerleaders, hot scantily clad babes all, run onto stage and form a circle, facing out. The cheerleading captain, in the center of the circle, addresses the crowd: "Let's hear the ESU Spirit Cheer!"
E-S-U! E-S-U!The cheerleaders run off stage and outside. The crowd follows and surges across the campus to the stadium. Carried along with the crowd, the Latins struggle to stay together.
E-S-U Spirit!
Kick 'em!
Bash 'em!
Stomp 'em!
Smash 'em on the field and grind 'em to a bloody pulp!
Go Bulldozers!
Yay!
Donny Clapper is pumped. "I love this place! Go ESU! Go ESU!", he yells, fist pumping.
Miss Agassiz grabs him by the hair. "Mistress Renee is not happy with the worm", she sneers.
"Ow! My hair!" complains Donny.
"Mistress Renee likes ULC and so does the worm, doesn't he?"
"Yes, yes, I meant to say ULC! ULC!"
The Latins find their seats in the Visitors section, which is surrounded by armed guards to protect ULC fans from overly pumped ESU fans. The ULC cheerleaders, who are selected based on academic performance, are not terribly attractive. They compensate for this by performing topless.
The ESU-ULC game is a closely watched matchup, as the two teams have diametrically opposite approaches to the game of football. ESU carefully recruits the biggest and best high school players that alumni money can buy, gives them the finest equipment and facilities and all the best performance enhancing drugs cooked up by the ESU medical school. The result is a team of gargantuan, intimidating players who delight in maiming the opposition.
ULC, on the other hand, recruits solely from students otherwise admitted to the University. For the most part, the players are skinny, scrawny guys who wear glasses and ponder each decision for an extended period. They win, however, by outsmarting the opposition, and by bribing the referees.
Today is no exception. ESU kicks off to ULC, who receives the ball on their own ten-yard line. In the face of a wall of oncoming ESU special teams, the ULC receiver downs the ball immediately to stop play.
On the first down, the ULC quarterback calls "hike", a swarm of ULC linebackers cross the line of scrimmage and... there is a flag on the play. Offsides. Holding. Defense. Ten Yards. First down, ULC. The topless ULC cheerleaders parade up and down.
Next play. Hike. Swarm. Flag on the play. Offsides. Holding. Defense. Ten Yards. First down, ULC. The ULC cheerleaders shake their breasts.
Next play, on their own forty, ULC passes the ball. Flag on the play. Pass interference. Defense. First down at the site of the penalty. ULC now has first and ten on the ESU forty yard line. The ULC quarterback now elects to run one of those impossibly complicated mathematical plays for which the Quants are known. At the hike, the quarterback hands the ball to the fullback, who runs to the right and hands to the halfback, who runs to the left and hands to the wide receiver, who passes behind the line of scrimmage to the quarterback, who passes to the fullback, who tosses a bomb downfield to the other wide receiver. At the end of the play, there are ten ULC players flat on the ground under piles of hugh ESU defensemen, and the tight end stands unmolested by the goal posts. He does a little war dance.
Meanwhile, Mary Bloom is quite put out. She shows her father a message on her iPhone from Dickie Wickett:
Hav 2 cancel date 2morrow, busy. Another time?Mr. Bloom frowns. "That's a shame, honey. You must feel hurt and disappointed."
Dickie
"Hurt? It's opportunity cost! He was going to pay me two hundred and seventy five dollars! Where am I going to get a date now? The masquerade is tomorrow!"
Mr. Bloom pats her shoulder reassuringly in his best 'father knows best' style'. "Stand near the door, wait for some single guy and offer a free date if he pays three hundred dollars for sex. Play it smart and you can turn a couple of tricks."
Mary hugs her Dad. "Oh Daddy, you're just the smartest Daddy in Beauneville".
Back at the game, the score is 36-0 in the ESU fans are getting ugly. The Latins decide to leave before there is blood.
On the bus ride home, Roderick and Molly snuggle. "How are you dressing for the masquerade?" asks Molly.
Roderick just smiles.
