Beauneville Latin students who wish to take the PSAT must do so at Washington County Regional Consolidated High School. The official name of the school is the Honorable Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Regional Consolidated High School of Washington County.
Not surprisingly, the school is named for the Honorable Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr., who represents the region in Congress and sits as a senior member on the House Appropriations Committee. The school shares the appellation with the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Federal Building, the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. County Services Building, the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Advanced Research Center and the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Community College, admission to which is the immediate goal of most students of the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Regional Consolidated High School.
The Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Regional Consolidated High School occupies a vast new building on Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Boulevard, just past the eponymous Federal Building, County Services Building and Advanced Research Center. The school stands on the site of the Stapleton Mansion, a fine example of neo-Gothic architecture built in 1868 that was demolished by mistake. (A legislative aide to Representative Butz accidentally inserted the word demolition instead of preservation into the text of an earmark during a late-night reconciliation session).
If you keep going on Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Boulevard, you get to Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Community College, which occupies a vast new campus. After that, there is nothing, the boulevard ends in an apple orchard.
Ellmore Bigelow Butz, Jr. is the eldest son of State Senator Ellmore Bigelow Butz Sr., who represented the region in the legislature for more than fifty years. To avoid confusion with his father, most people address him by his middle name, but close friends just call him "Big".
Citizens of Stapleton revere Congressman Butz for his unique ability to earmark legislation and steer Federal funds to the city, without which the place would have no raison d'etre. His earmarking skills are so renowned that the Butz Community College now offers a "Public Policy" major, in which students learn the ins and outs of lobbying, influence peddling, vote buying, logrolling and earmarking. Enrollment is brisk.
Butz plans to retire at the end of his current term, which poses a succession problem. His son, Ellmore Bigelow Butz III is developmentally disabled, and resides at the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Center for the Developmentally Disabled, which is on Butz Boulevard across from the high school. His daughter, Ellen Bigelow Butz, who currently represents the region in the state legislature, proposes to run for the seat.
But we digress.
Mr. Smith drives Roderick and Molly to Butz High on Saturday morning. Roderick feels nonchalant about the PSAT because he plans to attend Old Ivy College, which has an "SAT optional" policy.
Actually, "SAT optional" mischaracterizes Old Ivy's policy toward the SAT. The Admissions department at Old Ivy, which consists primarily of Peter Zinmeister, Emeritus Professor of Philosophy and Master of the Keys, generally ignores the SAT altogether. As a rule, Mr. Zinmeister sweeps score reports directly from his inbox to his trash. If he's feeling grumpy, he may reject an applicant who submits a test score, purely on the grounds that the applicant clearly does not understand Old Ivy.
But grumpy days are rare. The general rule is that Old Ivy admits all who apply and are able to pay tuition and fees.
Tuition and fees at Old Ivy are remarkably low due to the absence of fancy new buildings, varsity sports, media resource centers, celebrity-quality fitness centers or centers for research into fashionable but unfunded topics. Students reduce the cost of room and board by assisting with the cleaning and cooking. This practice has the added benefit that graduates learn useful skills, such as cleaning toilets and making cheap, nutritious food in large quantities.
Students who feel they cannot afford the tuition and fees can speak with Old Ivy's Financial Aid counselor, a role currently filled by the ubiquitous Mr. Zinmeister. Mr. Zinmeister's most common advice is for the student to "ask Grandma and Grandpa for help", but he also has a Rolodex of alumni who are sometimes persuaded to provide "special assistance" to students they deem deserving. Old Ivy College does not scrutinize these transactions closely, but Mr. Zinmeister has noticed that attractive female students appear to receive more alumni assistance than their less attractive peers.
Given the open admissions policy and low tuition and fees, one might think that Old Ivy is flooded with applicants. But this is not the case. Many prospective students turn away when they discover, on visiting the campus, that Old Ivy lacks fancy new buildings, varsity sports, media resource centers, celebrity-quality fitness centers or centers for research into fashionable but unfunded topics. Others are offended by the prospect of cleaning toilets or helping in the kitchen.
Worst of all, many prospective applicants to Old Ivy are shocked and horrified to learn that the college requires students to study, learn and pass examinations to graduate. Lacking a background in such activities, most students visiting the campus shudder, turn away and text their friends to advise avoiding the place.
Not so for students of Beauneville Latin, who are generally well prepared for colleges such as Old Ivy. Moreover, many of the Moms and Dads of Beauneville attended the place so matriculation is, well, expected.
Betsy Flapper, on the other hand, is quite well prepared for the PSAT. She has taken the exam twice already, attended two separate prep classes and read several books on "How To Beat The PSAT". She hopes that with all the preparation she will finally break out above the national median. Betsy does not plan to attend Old Ivy. She had a number of concerns about the place before attending, but the final straw was when she asked about WiFi in the Coffee Bar and was told that Old Ivy has no Coffee Bar.
Roderick and Molly walk through vast long corridors of the school, past pep rally posters (Go Butz!) to the cafeteria, where the PSAT will be administered.
Meanwhile, Mary Bloom sits in Mrs. Peabody's sunroom, leafing through the Old Ivy alumni magazine. She would like to get an early start on her Financial Aid application.
