The bus arrived at the University of Lake City just in time for the Admissions Information Session. The driver pulled into the lot, where Miss Agassiz, dressed in a colorful Hermes blouse, tight black miniskirt and black leather boots, awaited. Impatiently, she beckoned to the students to hurry; they filed off the bus, across the parking lot, down a tree-lined path to a large ivy-covered building. Inside, young men and women wearing green blazers directed traffic, herding students into a huge auditorium packed with prospective applicants.
Roderick paused at a table to review literature, and selected a glossy brochure entitled University of Lake City: Where You Can Be An Individual. One of the blazered hosts prodded him to move on.
The Beauneville Latin students took their seats just as the lights dimmed. A young man wearing a suit strode onstage and stood at the podium.
"Good afternoon students, my name is Dr. Cognoscenti, and I'm the Director of Admissions here at University of Lake City, or ULC as we like to call ourselves. Um..show of hands, please...how many of you are seniors? Good. Juniors? Very good. Sophomores? Well, well. Um..anyone here younger than sophomore? Well, bless my heart, aren't you ambitious!.
"Okay, now how many of you have taken the SAT?" About half the attendees raised a hand. "And how many of you scored in the top percentile?" Some of the students put their hands down.
Dr. Cognoscenti took a sip of water. "Now, a brief demonstration. There are five hundred of you in this auditorium. I want you to suppose that all of you apply for admission to ULC. The hosts and hostesses have just passed out a sealed envelope...does everyone have an envelope?" There was some hubbub in the crowd as the hosts handed out the remaining envelopes.
"Okay, now some of the envelopes have a green card and some have a red card. Open your envelopes now. If you have a green card, come on up here to the stage and stand with me."
Bedlam broke out as members of the audience ripped open their envelopes. Some girls squealed and jumped up and down. Some guys did fist pumps. From all over the auditorium, a few students made their way down the rows to the aisles, then ran up on stage. A group of twenty-five students, including Megan Cupcake and another girl from Beauneville Latin gathered on stage behind Dr. Cognoscenti.
Dr. Cognoscenti turned to the group gathered on stage. "I have good news for you. You're admitted to ULC!" He broke into applause, as did the entire audience.
One of the girls on stage flushed. "Really?"
"No" hissed Dr. Cognoscenti. "It's a demonstration."
He turned back to the lectern. "And the rest of you..."
One of the boys on stage shouted out "Losers!" and the crowd roared with laughter.
"So there it is, folks", said Dr. Cognoscenti. "ULC is extremely selective. We make you jump through hoops in the admissions process -- because we can -- but your actual odds of admission are really too low to contemplate."
A girl in the audience stood and raised her hand. "Do you accept the Common Application?"
Dr. Cognoscenti, who was in mid-sip, sprayed it back out. "The Common Application? The Common Application? We? ULC? Accept the Common Application?" The girl sat down again.
A boy stood with a question. "Are there resources for students who need a little help with the academics?"
"No". Dr. Cognoscenti looked for more questions.
An Asian girl inquired about the factors that go into admissions decisions. "We look at the whole student, and try to get to know who you really are, and whether or not the ULC family would best suit your needs."
He paused. "Oh, who am I kidding? It's a numbers game, kids. We don't have time to read your essays, high school grades and teacher recommendations aren't worth crap anymore, so we just take the applicants with the highest SAT scores and go home early."
"One more question, please."
A boy in the back stands up. "What about Financial Aid?"
Dr. Cognoscenti frowns. "Jesus Christ, kiddo, we spend a fortune on our website and brochures and here you are asking a dumb-ass question like that. What d'ya think? Our tuition and fees are incredibly expensive, we will make your parents fill out impossibly complex forms, then make you borrow so much you will be working to pay it off for years."
He waved. "Thank you".
The green-blazered hosts and hostesses surged forward, herding the crowd to the exits as the next group waited by the doors. Outside, Miss Agassiz waved a rolled-up newspaper. "Latins! Latins! Campus Tour!"
Megan was still slightly starstruck from her brief moment of fame in the auditorium, though she could not decide for the moment if she would rather snuggle up with Roderick or snuggle up with Bibi. No matter. The day was young. She checked her Glock.
