Gradually, the light increases on the faces of the diverse group of students. The camera pans backwards. We hear the voice of James Earl Jones:
You. And ESU.
Cut to a hand-held video in the student union. Hot girls in minimal attire and ripped guys mingle. The place is bustling. Again, the voice:
ESU is all about you.A shot of the library shows an ethnically diverse group of students studying:
Your dreams. Your plans. ESU. It's about you.The cafeteria. Ethnically diverse students eating delicious healthy food.
ESU. Where your dreams come true.A great lawn. Diverse men and women sitting, standing, playing frisbee, holding hands, reading.
ESU. A four-year party on your parent's dime.Cut to a classroom. A nutty professor fills a blackboard with equations.
Okay, seriously, your Mom and Dad want you to learn something, right. So let's talk about academics. At ESU, academics are all about you.Shot of classroom filled with jocks and cheerleaders. An instructor writes C-A-T on the board.
Thinking of an athletic career? Or perhaps you'd like a government job? The ESU Basic Studies Plan means you can move forward quickly to graduation at a reasonable price without a lot of meaningless learning.Cut to a seminar room. Ethnically diverse students engage in spirited dialogue. Behind the students, on the blackboard, someone has written The Great Gatsby.
If a liberal education is to your liking, ESU Arts and Sciences offers four hundred and twenty-six majors from Anthropology to Zoology, with everything in between. And if you don't see the major you like, just ask! ESU Independent Study means you study whatever you like!Cut to a different shot of the library. Asian students with stacks of books and papers, cramming for finals.
Think you have what it takes to get into Med School? Consider the ESU Honors College. It's not really a college, nor much of an honor, but you can feel smug for a reasonable price. And ESU's Six-Year Medical Scholars program, offered in partnership with the Medical College of Zimbabwe, offers guaranteed admission to the medical profession in at least some countries!Shot of a lone student standing by a reproduction of Rodin's The Thinker.
But ESU knows why you're really going to college. Sure, the academics are just the way you like them; the food is adequate and the dormitories are free of major Health Code violations. The football is awe-inspiring. But that's not why you come to ESU. You come for the sex.Wild party. Girls in wet t-shirts getting hosed down with beer. Guys prancing around the room Chippendale style. A pile of naked, writhing bodies.
That's right, you come to ESU because you want to get laid. And under the ESU Sex Assurance Plan, if you don't get laid in your first semester, your second semester is absolutely free!Cut to a shot of a huge stadium, backlit by sunset.
Did somebody say football?Close-up shot of seven huge grunting football players colliding with another seven huge grunting footballers as the pigskin snaps. A moment of chaos. We see a quarterback drop back to pass. He stands, a heroic figure, silhouetted against the crowd until three gargantuan linebackers erupt from screen right, fly through the air and flatten him with a sickening crackle of flesh and bone. The linebackers dance and high-five one another. The quarterback lies motionless. A medical team runs to his assistance.
ESU Spirit. It says: ESU doesn't just play to win. ESU flattens everything in its path.Cut to black. White titles read: ESU Students Talk About ESU. Camera shots of student talking heads in various places around campus. A pretty co-ed with glasses:
"My name is Emily and I'm double major in Religion and Gender Studies, and I have ESU Spirit!"A young man wearing an ESU sweatshirt:
"My name is Billy and I'm an Accounting major and I have ESU Spirit!"Neatly-dressed Chinese girl:
"My name is Ping and I'm a Math major and I have ESU Spirit!"Latino dude:
"Mi nombre es geraldo y tengo pasión para el ESU!"Deaf girl (signing):
"Hi I'm not deaf I'm just stupid".Cut to aerial shot of the vast ESU campus. Row after row of gargantuan Soviet-style dormitories. Sprawling athletic complex. The camera helicopters in on a large field with thousands of students, all looking up at the camera, who extend their arms and shout:
"We have ESU Spirit!"Cut to black. The letters E, S and the word "You" appear as the James Earl Jones voice closes:
ESU. It's Enormous. It's State. And it's all about You.The lights come on...
