Yes, KulturPunks. The same KulturPunks that terrorized the town of Bedford Glen.
The KulturPunks first surfaced in Bedford Glen when Howard Putzman, Assistant Principal and Disciplinarian, removed Kimberly Wilson's iPod from her backpack, plugged in the earbuds, and listened to the first song. Kimberly was in the holding cell on a diversity rap -- she was overheard saying "that's so gay" during the third screening of Brokeback Mountain in English class -- and Mr. Putzman wanted to check out the smart and sassy tunes today's teens download from their favorite websites.
What he heard profoundly shocked him.
Mr. Putzman ran next door and interrupted Charlie Wigglesworth, the Principal, who was fondling Missy Hartman. "You've got to listen to this!" he shouted, holding out the offending iPod and ear buds.
"Hey, what about me?" yelled Missy.
"Shut up!", barked Mr. Wigglesworth. "And disappear".
Mr. Wigglesworth inserted the ear buds, listened for a few seconds, then ripped them out. He was visibly shaken. "You keep an eye on Kimberly. I'll get this right over to the Superintendent." He ran out of the building, leapt in his car and drove off, tires squealing.
Mr. Putzman returned to the holding pen, where Kimberly was handcuffed to a table. He sat down across the table from Kimberly and stared at her coldly. "We've got you on the diversity rap. If you cooperate with us, we can make that go away. Tell us where you got what I heard on your iPod and you can be back in class in time for diversity training."
Kimberly looked unsettled. "You listened to my iPod...?"
Mr. Putzman nodded. "Pretty heavy stuff. I don't think your parents would want to find out you're listening to stuff like that."
Kimberly exploded, lunging at Mr. Putzman as far as the handcuffs would allow. "Fuck you, Putzman! And fuck my parents! I ain't telling you nuthin'!" she spat out the words, closing with an actual loogie that sailed over Mr. Putzman's right shoulder and splatted against the wall of the holding pen.
Mr. Putzman rolled his eyes, shrugged and gestured to one of the beefy diversity cops. The door burst open and two men in black suits grabbed Kimberly by the shoulders, gave her a knockout shot, dragged her toward the door, paused, unlocked the handcuffs by which she was attached to the table, resumed dragging her to the door and loaded her into a black SUV with blackened windows and roared off.
Meanwhile, Mr. Wigglesworth had interrupted the Superintendent in the middle of an important diversity task force meeting. "This better be important", muttered Superintendent Cheeseman, as he stepped out of the meeting room.
"It is, sir" said Mr. Wigglesworth. "Listen!" He held out the iPod and offered the earbuds.
Mr. Cheeseman listened for a few moments, then turned white as a sheet and blurted: "Holy Moose Droppings!" He turned to his secretary, Miss Fiddlesticks, a comely blonde who recently came out as a masochist and has owned up to the fact that she likes to be spanked. "Call the School Board into emergency session!" He turned back to Mr. Wigglesworth. "Where is the little bitch?" he demanded.
"Diversity has her in Security", said Mr. Wigglesworth.
"I'll handle this", said Mr. Cheeseman. "You go back to your school and wait for instructions. And remember, this happened on your watch."
Mr. Cheeseman strode down a long corridor, through several doors and past a Diversity checkpoint manned by tough men in black. He descended a flight of stairs, punched a security code into a panel on the wall, passed a retinal check, then strode to the end of another long hallway and entered the door at the far end. The sign on the door read: Interrogation.
Inside, Kimberly was spread-eagled naked, her wrists and ankles handcuffed to the table. She seemed to be drugged. Mr. Cheeseman spoke to one of the men in black, who seemed to be in charge. "Anything?" The man shook his head. "Get the truth serum."
Mr. Cheeseman walked to the head of the table, leaned down and spoke softly in Kimberly's ear. "We can call this a misunderstanding, you know. Is there anything you want to tell me?"
Kimberly nodded. Mr. Cheeseman put his ear near her lips. She struggled to lift her head, and whispered: "fuhhhhhck.......you...." She fell back to the table.
Mr. Cheeseman nodded. A bespectacled man in a white lab coat approached Kimberly with a hypodermic needle; she struggled against her manacles, but the man injected the truth serum into her right arm. Mr. Cheeseman waited a few minutes, then asked again: "Where did you get the stuff on your iPod?"
Kimberly was in a haze. "I...bought...it...from...iTunes..."
