Parents fretted. What if my child is contaminated?
The Bedford Glen Times ran an article -- Culture: The Telltale Signs:
"We never thought it would happen to our little Sally", said Ms. Barbara Zinkerdorf, as she sat on her $5,000 Ligne Roset designer sofa in the third parlor of her McMansion on Peachy Tree Way in Bedford Glen. "We gave her everything. She has her own McBedroom in our McMansion, and her very own Ligne Roset designer sofa. And we gave her an SUV, even though she's too young to drive. She used to just sit in it, in the driveway.
"But then, I noticed one day that she wasn't sitting in her SUV, she was sitting at her desk. And she wasn't texting, she was reading a book, by Astin or Austen or something. That's when I knew we had a problem on our hands."
Ms. Zinkerdorf is not alone. Across America, parents have learned to their horror that their teen is contaminated by culture. And they are shocked to learn that there is no cure; that their teens may be lost to them forever.
"There is no cure for culture" says Dr. Barry Whipplestein, of the Diversity Center at Enormous State University. "The best we can do is manage the problem, and try to comfort parents and relatives. We're working on it, of course, but research may take years. Meanwhile, every day thousands more teens are infected".
How can you tell if your child is infected? According to Dr. Whipplestein, there are five telltale signs:
(1) Your teen loses interest in normal activity, like sexting or playing Xbox 24/7, and takes up cultural activities like playing the piano or writing poetry.
(2) Instead of relentless promiscuity, your teen couples up with a significant other or, even worse, forbears from sexual activity altogether.
(3) Your teen stops attending diversity awareness seminars at school, and skips out to attend plays or concerts.
(4) After school, your teen declines to "hang out at the mall", but instead studies history and literature or learns a foreign language.
(5) Your teen professes an unusual interest in the Mendelssohn-Bartholdy siblings, Felix and Fanny.
If you see one or more of these signs, says Dr. Whipplestein, call your health and diversity professional immediately. "Sometimes, when a teen has just a level one infection we can turn it around, but at stage three..." he shakes his head.
Health and diversity professionals say that prevention is the only way to stop cultural contamination. Here are some positive steps they recommend to keep your teen safe:
(1) Cleanse your house thoroughly. Remove any books, music and artwork. Perhaps you were thinking "just a little bit won't hurt". But professionals warn: there is no safe culture.
(2) Check your own habits. Are you in the habit of sneaking an occasional read, or playing Beethoven's Opus Twenty-Seven Number One at the piano. Remember! As a parent, your actions speak louder than words.
(3) Keep your teens busy; idle hands are the devil's workshop. Push your teens into promiscuous sex, so their little minds won't wander off to the final bars of Gustav Mahler's Symphony Number Seven.
(4) Have a frank talk with your teen about culture. Explain the risks.
(5) Learn to say no. You are the parent. It's tough sometimes to set limits on how much poetry your child can read, but it's your responsibility.
(6) Show your child how to use iPod condoms, which are guaranteed to block all cultural content from your teen's iPod.
When all else fails, there are support groups for parents. Contact your local health and diversity professional for more information.
The parents of Bedford Glen found all of this to be terribly unsettling. What they did not know was -- it was about to get worse.
