We ask for challenge; you give us Diversity Training.
We ask for music; you give us Lady Gaga.
We ask for Shakespeare; you give us The Vagina Monologues.
We ask for hope and change; you give us demagoguery, corruption and pork.
We ask for dialogue; you give us Facebook.
We ask for romance; you give us condoms.
We ask for classic well-made clothing; you give us $300 jeans.
We ask for comfort food; you give us brie.
We ask for culture; you give us Yanni, geriatric James Taylor concerts and dead white men like John Lennon and Jim Morrison.
We are your worst nightmare.
We are the KulturPunks.
"Aigheeeeee" screamed Mrs. Schwarznagel. "Hate Crime!".
Facebook, Twitter and blogs lit up as every parent in Bedford Glen turned to a preferred social medium and posted about the Manifesto, a copy of which was inserted into every mailbox in town.
That night, CNN ran a special on The American Dream Under Siege, hosted by Anderson Cooper:
Anderson Cooper, voice over video montage of Bedford Glen: On the surface, Bedford Glen looks like the American Dream. A robust and growing city government with subsidies and handouts for everyone, deserving or not. Mortgages freely available, even to those who can't possibly make the payments. Each day, a quaint and cozy Cape Cod home is flattened to make way for another McMansion. Schools rich with diversity programs, so that no grievance is uncelebrated, and where no child is left behind because kids who can't make the cut are thrown out of school and forced to move to another district.
Under the surface, though, there is something dark and sinister -- so dark and sinister that we cannot describe it accurately without horrifying our viewers. Suffice to say that the thing we are talking about is dark, very dark, and sinister, too.
Signs of dark and sinister trouble first showed up at Bedford Glen High School. Butch Bigfoot is captain of Bedford Glen's varsity football team, the Native Americans. We interviewed him at home with his parents at their McMansion on Colossus Drive.
Cooper: When did you first notice trouble?
Bigfoot: At the pep rally last fall. We were all geared up to beat the Tofu Tattlers -- they're the champs from last year -- and we run into the gym for the pep rally all fired up and stuff and expecting the crowd to roar and break out into the Native American Defensive Tomahawk Feint, but there was, like hardly anybody there except our Moms and Dads and girlfriends.
Mrs. Bigfoot: You mean your hos.
Bigfoot: Right, our hos. I keep forgetting. Mom and Dad think I need more street cred.
Cooper: Go on.
Bigfoot: So that was it. Kids didn't show up at the pep rally, and we lost to the Tofu Tattlers 62-0.
Cooper: You think there's a connection?
Bigfoot: Well, yeah, I mean we jocks totally need slavish adulation from the lesser beings at school, or we can't function. It's part of the wiring, you know.
Cooper, voice over credits: On our next segment, dark and sinister things going viral.
Meanwhile, as CNN aired its special, there were already signs that Bedford Glen was not the only place in America living in terror of culture.
