Autumnal Equinox

Today is the Autumnal Equinox, the first day of Autumn. The Smileys pack the bubble van and prepare for the return to Smileyville.

But first, Sunday dinner at the Smiths. Everyone's coming, including Grandma and Grandpa. Roderick, Molly and Megan drove down from Old Ivy this morning; Mary Bloom caught the train from Lake City last night so she can attend together with Mr. and Mrs. Bloom, Margaret, Catherine and Mr. Fuzzums.

Miss Kitty declines to attend.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith serve dinner promptly at one. On the menu: roast pork, apple sauce (made from freshly harvested Beuneville Beauties); and little green things.

Grandma wants to know what everyone did for the summer.

"Well," says Mr. Smiley. "We took a boat to Europe and visited Brest, Mont. St. Michel, Giverny, Versailles and Paris. Then we took a train to Brussels and Amsterdam, after which we visited Cologne, Dusseldorf, Hamburg, Berlin, Leipzig, Prague, Vienna, Venice, Milan, Florence, Pisa, Rome, Naples, the Amalfi Coast and Capri. Then over to Marseilles, Nice, Cannes, a brief side trip to Barcelona, the Basque country, Gascony, then up the Loire and back to Paris, where we transferred to the Brest train and the steamer back to America."

"Wow!" says Megan. "Quite an itinerary!. What did you think of Europe?"

Mr. Smiley, pauses to ponder, then responds. "It was nice."

"They have very nice cheese in Amsterdam," Clotilde volunteers.

"We saw bubble cars in Milan" adds Mr. Smiley. "A remarkable collection."

"What about you, Molly?" asks Grandma. "What did you do this summer?"

"I learned Charles Ives' Concord Sonata, advanced a degree in karate and posed for the mural Natasha's doing for the Student Union at Old Ivy."

"A mural? That's wonderful! What's it called?"

"Molly Bloom's Moist Pink Vagina."

Mary Bloom, not wishing to be outdone by her older sister, boasts of her summer accomplishments. "I earned $30,000 through prostitution in Lake City this summer. That's all taxable income, of course, so I set up a Subchapter S corporation so I can write off my expenses: the large four-poster bed, velvet handcuffs, the maid's uniform and schoolgirl outfit, large quantities of Listerine and also the occasional abortion should the need arise."

Mr. Bloom leans toward Mr. Smith and whispers proudly: "She's majoring in Business."

Mr. Smith nods. "Clever girl."

"What did you do this summer, Roderick?"

Roderick swallows a bite of roast pork slathered in applesauce, and pushes the little green things to one side of his plate. "Oh, the usual. I worked at the canoe barn, polished the Roadmaster daily and interviewed at Old Ivy for the Jay Gould Society."

Megan is intrigued. "The Jay Gould Society? I interviewed for that, too! What did they ask about in the interview?"

"They just wanted to know why I'm interested in Business."

"They asked me the same thing. What did you tell them?"

"I told them I want to make a lot of money by any means necessary and shelter it all from taxes. How did you answer?"

Megan looks sheepish. "I told them I want do work towards gender equity and equal opportunity for women in business."

Roderick smiles awkwardly. He likes Megan, and thinks she's really creative and stuff, but really, sometimes she is just self-defeating and dumb. "Well," he says, hoping someone will change the subject, "I guess we'll hear from them pretty soon."

Megan spent the summer as one of several hundred unpaid interns at the Lake City Opera.

"That must be hard, being one of so many interns." says Mrs. Smith sympathetically, serving the pie.

"There are advantages," says Megan, spooning some ice cream. "I only had to blow the Maestro once."

Little Alexander, sitting patiently in his oddly-shaped and brightly colored high chair, is bored. "Want cheese!" he screams.

Clotilde indulges him with a nice piece of cheese. But that's to be expected because Smileys, as you know, like to indulge their children.

The Eagle and the Lambs

The children of Beauneville gather for Reading Time at Dorabella's Bookstore. Mr. Smiley is reading today. He squeezes into the Reading Chair, and the little ones arrange themselves into a circle. Holding the book so the tots can see the cover, Mr. Smiley reads the title: "The Eagle and the Lamb."

"Ooooh!" say the children, who like animal stories.

Mr. Smiley reads:

Once upon a time, in the land of Flemm, there was a flock of cute little lambs. The lambs spent most of their days grazing in the pasture, because that's pretty much what lambs do. One little lamb, whose name was Petunia, was quite a bit smarter than the rest of the flock, which isn't saying much since lambs aren't the sharpest denizens of the animal kingdom, but in relative terms at least she was smart.

One day, Petunia decided that she was totally fed up with grazing and decided to wander away from the flock. Her sisters -- named Flossie, Millie and Zeppelin -- bleated a warning. "Petunia, you mustn't wander away from the flock. The eagle is evil, and he will eat you."

Petunia ignored them. "Stupid bourgeois morality" she muttered to herself, and continued to wander.

Soon thereafter, an eagle, named Fred, swooped down and landed in front of Petunia, blocking her path. "Good morning, little lambie," he said. "Pleased to meet you. My name is Fred, and I'm going to eat you."

"That's not very nice," said Petunia. "Also, it's evil."

"Evil, shmevil," said Fred. "I'm hungry. Also, Nietzsche says it's wrong for the weak to restrain the strong."

"What, are you an adolescent?" asked Petunia. "Nietzsche is an idiot."

"I beg your pardon?" said Fred, indignantly. "He is the greatest of philosophers."

"Philosophy, shmilosophy. Why should I give a moment's thought to some dude who says it's OK for you to eat me?"

"You can't just pick and choose philosophy based on your personal interests."

"I just did. Poof." Petunia made a dismissive gesture. "Nietzsche can bite me."

"I guess I can't convince you," said Fred. "But I'm going to eat you anyway."

"You can certainly try, but you might want to reconsider. I'm wearing a suicide belt, and if you eat me your feathers will be spread far and wide in this pasture."

"Suicide belt? I don't see a suicide belt."

"It's under my wool."

"You're bluffing."

"If you think so, go ahead and try to eat me. You'll see."

"Sorry lambie. It's in my nature to eat you." With that remark, Fred gobbled up Petunia. A moment later there was a huge explosion, and pieces of Fred went flying everywhere.

Back in the pasture, Flossie, Millie and Zeppelin heard the boom and stopped grazing for a moment.

"There goes Petunia," said Flossie, between bites.

Zeppelin stopped chewing for a moment. "Stupid eagles."

"They can't help it," said Millie. "It's in their nature."

"So much for nature," said Flossie.

"So much for Nietzsche," said Zeppelin.

"The End" says Mr. Smiley. He rises from the Reading Chair and returns the book to Dorabella, who stands behind the register.

"I read Also Sprach Zarathustra some years ago," says Mr. Smiley. "In German."

"Really!" says Dorabella. "What did you think of it?"

Mr. Smiley ponders a moment. "It was nice."

A Grand Offering

The Church of Metaphor split from the Unitarian Church in 1887, following the inspirational preaching of Dr. Wilfred Homily, who famously wrote that "this thing we worship is a metaphor for something." Dr. Homily's flock soon divided into two camps; one founded the Church of Metaphor, the other founded the Church of Something. The Church of Metaphor suffered a further schism in 1922 in a doctrinal dispute over use of the words "like" and "as"; devotees thereof founded the Church of Simile, a congregation of which meets in Stapleton each Sunday afternoon.

Roderick wants to learn more about business careers, and Mr. Smith has arranged a tour of Beaune Valve. Debbie Flack, Vice President of Public Relations, meets him in the lobby. "Good morning, Roderick!" she chirps, extending a hand.

"Good morning." Roderick isn't sure if it's Miss Flack, Mrs. Flack or Miz Flack, so he skips the honorific altogether.

Miss Flack beckons. "We'll begin in my department." She leads Roderick into a large room with many cubicles filled with young people typing on computers. "My team handles all of Beaune Valve's social media operations."

Roderick is amazed. "Wow, people get paid to use Twitter and Facebook?"

Miss Flack laughs. "Oh, we don't pay them, they're interns." She continues down the hallway to a large corner office. Knocking, she gestures to Roderick to enter. "Roderick, meet Debbie Credit, Chief Financial Officer of Beaune Valve."

Behind the desk is an attractive forty-ish woman in a business suit, who stands to greet him. "Good morning, Roderick!"

Roderick isn't sure whether it's Miss Credit, Mrs. Credit or Miz Credit, so he skips the honorific. "Good morning!"

Mrs. Credit beckons to a chair; Roderick sits; Debbie Flack departs. "So!" says Mrs. Credit, "I hear you're at Old Ivy."

Roderick nods.

"What are you studying?"

"Oh, you know...Logic, Rhetoric, Mathematics, History of Banking..."

"And you're interested in business?"

"Yes."

"Well, the first rule of business is to make money. That means you have to know how much you make on everything you sell. That's where my team comes in. The Controller, Mr. Harianus, runs the cost accounting system so we know about all of the costs that go into every valve we make."

Roderick writes this down.

"The second rule is to manage the money you make. Miss Kashflo, the Treasurer, keeps track of our surplus cash, invests the money for short periods and makes sure we have enough cash in the bank every other week to make payroll.

"The third rule is to minimize taxes. That's where Mrs. Dee Duction comes in. She manages our Federal, state and local tax liability."

"How did you get to be CFO?" Roderick wonders.

"I got promoted last year from Treasurer. Before that, I worked for five years for the accounting firm of Beatum and Cheatum, where I got my CPA."

"What was it like working for Beatum and Cheatum?"

"It sucked. They treat you like crap, because they know that a CPA is a meal ticket, and you can't get one without some experience at an audit firm. But c'est la vie."

Roderick thanks Mrs. Credit and departs. He's learned enough to know that he doesn't want to be a CFO.

"Come on back next week, and I'll introduce you to some more people" says Debbie Flack, perkily.

Meanwhile, Mr. Smiley places a dollar in the collection plate at the Church of Metaphor. It's a grand offering.

Decoration Day

Tomorrow is Memorial Day in most areas of the United States. In Beauneville, it is just a regular Monday; on Thursday, May 30, Beauneville celebrates Decoration Day.

You might think that Beauneville didn't get the memo when Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act on June 28, 1968. That legislation official renamed Decoration Day to Memorial Day and moved it from May 30 to the last Monday in May.

In fact, Beauneville got the memo and ignored it.

The Post Office will be closed, of course, and if you have any business at the Elmore Bigelow Butts Federal Building in Stapleton you would be well advised to postpone your trip until Tuesday. In Beauneville, however, life will be normal tomorrow.

Another thing missing in Beauneville: veterans. Beauneville denizens have a long history of avoiding military service as much as possible; not out of a principled objection to war so much as an instinctive desire for liberty and an aversion to being used as cannon fodder.

Old Ivy has recessed for the summer. Roderick, Molly, Mary Bloom, Anna and Megan gather at Mr. Smiley's house; Mr. Smiley and Clotilde want to catch up with the latest news and gossip. Alexander naps.

Clotilde offers some pickles and cheese to Roderick. "What are you doing this summer?" she wonders.

Roderick chews. "Working at the canoe barn again. The money's good, and it's nice to be here in town."

"And you, Molly?"

Molly shrugs. "You know, the usual. Playing the piano, teaching karate, nude modeling..."

It's Mary's turn. "I'll be turning tricks with Daddy's clients. He's pimping for me." Mr. Smiley does not understand what "pimping" means, but he thinks that turning tricks is a good thing, because magic is nice.

Anna plans to live with the Blooms, work on her singing, do some solo gigs and generally relax.

Megan has exciting news. She's going to be an unpaid summer intern at Lake City Opera, along with three hundred other college students. Her submission for staging Das Rheingold helped her get a foot in the door, but she clinched the matter in her interview with LCO's Executive Director, Maestro Sergio Cazzo. Kneepads played a role.

"We're doing Le Nozze di Figaro in August," she beams.

Mr. Smiley is curious. "Where will you live in Lake City?"

"Maestro Cazzo has a room in his house where I can stay. It's very convenient, right next door to his bedroom so we can consult on libretti and stuff."

Molly suspects monkey business. "Isn't that a little...unusual? You know, for a young single woman..."

Megan frowns. "Ummm...I don't see why. After all, he has a wife. Her name is Rosina."

Later that day, the Smileys attend services at the Grand Sanctuary of the Church of Metaphor, in a shabby little storefront on Railroad Avenue.

Commencement

Today is Whit Sunday, the first day of Pentecost. In the Saint Cecilia Chapel, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs J.S.Bach's cantata BWV 34 O Ewiges Feuer, O Ursprung der Liebe, which translates roughly as Oh Eternal Flame, Oh Source of Love. Mrs. Dowager sings the Alto aria, one of the ringers sings the Tenor recitative and Zack sings the bass recitative.

Once again there is no Soprano solo, so Emily sings in the Chorus. Emily is grumpy today; "eternal flame" reminds her of that chlamydia infection.

Mr. Twitchy of the Theology faculty delivers the inspirational message for today. He steps to the lectern, places his note thereupon, clears his throat, and reads aloud:

And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit, and began to speak with other languages, as the Spirit gave them utterance. And there were dwelling at Jerusalem Jews, devout men, out of every nation under heaven. Now when this was noised abroad, the multitude came together, and were confounded, because that every man heard them speak in his own language.

He pauses, and takes a sip of water. "I don't really get this, so let's move on to the other reading for the day, from John 14:23-31:

Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father's who sent me.

“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe. I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me, but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here."

Mr. Twitchy pauses and looks around the Chapel. "Isn't that nice? Let's hear it for Jesus!" The congregation breaks out into thunderous applause.

Mr. Pipes ends the service with a vigorous recessional.

Today is also Old Ivy's Commencement Day, when students, parents and alumni gather to recognize the few who actually manage to secure a degree. Commencement ceremonies are held in the Quadrangle, by the Thinking Tree. The Old Ivy Chamber Orchestra provides the music; Roderick joins, playing second clarinet.

Commencement begins precisely at noon, with a processional of the faculty and graduates as the Chamber Orchestra plays the Funeral March from Beethoven's Third. The music is appropriately somber, to recognize the many who enrolled, but did not graduate.

In lieu of the conventional tam, the Old Ivy faculty vie with one another for the most ridiculous hats. This year, Miss Quimm of the English Lit faculty appears to be in the lead:

Miss Quimm's course in erotic fiction is consistently one of the most popular courses at Old Ivy, though it carries no degree credit.

However, the Political Economy faculty steals the show:


This year, the Commencement Committee sent speaking invitations to President Obama, Senator Marco Rubio, Governor Chris Christie and Angelina Jolie. None responded, so, per custom, the Committee selected Mr. Droop of the Philosophy department at random. Mr. Droop steps to the lectern.

"Class of 2013, you are full of yourselves today. But soon you will learn that life is short and that all of your accomplishments are pointless. In the Universe, whether you graduated today or not is a matter of complete indifference. Now go kill yourselves. Or not. It's all the same to me."

The Chamber Orchestra concludes the ceremony with the final dance from Ravel's Daphnis and Chloe, which is somewhat challenging as a recessional as it is in 5/4 time.

Meanwhile, in Beauneville, Mr. Smiley sits at this customary table in the Cafe Venice and sips his Caffe Mocha. It's nice.

Mr. Smiley Just Smiles

Mothers Day. Roderick awakes in his room at home, where he's spending the weekend. To his left, Molly lies nude and prostrate. To his right, buxom and bubbly Megan snoozes. Taking care not to wake either girlfriend, he extricates himself from the pile, slips on his bathrobe and pads downstairs to make breakfast for his Mom.

Last Thursday, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale celebrated the Feast of the Ascension with a performance of Bach's Cantata BWV 11 Lobet Gott in Seinen Reichen (which translates as Praise God in His Kingdoms). Zack sang the Bass arias, a ringer sang the Tenor, Alicia Manly (who says she's not a lesbian) sang the Alto and Emily warbled the Soprano soli For such a special event, as is the custom, members of the Old Ivy Chamber Orchestra joined the performance; there were three trumpets, tympani, two flutes, two oboes (the Reed siblings), violins, violas, celli and one string bass. The bassist kept breaking into riffs on "A Night in Tunisia" during the breaks, but nobody joined in.

Buttocks were not fondled.

On Friday night, Roderick, Molly and Megan drove home in the Roadmaster. (Megan's car is in the shop, or so she says). Yesterday, the three of them puttered around, doing the things they usually do in Beauneville -- hanging out at Dorabella's, visiting with Mr. Smiley in the Cafe Venice, lunch at the Red Trolley, and such. In the evening, Megan wanted to sleep over.

Roderick thought it best to check with Molly. "Do you mind if Megan sleeps with us?"

"It's fine with me as long as you don't 'do it' with her."

"That would be awkward."

And so the three of them slipped under the covers. Molly cuddled on one side and Megan, ever hopeful, cuddled up against Roderick on the other side.

Roderick decides to surprise Mrs. Smith by cooking the scrapple for breakfast. "Happy Mothers Day!" he exclaims as Mrs. Smith arrives.

"Oh, thank you!"

"Why don't you just sit down and relax while I get this ready. Coffee?"

Mrs. Smith assents to a cup of coffee. The scent of scrapple has lured the other denizens to the kitchen. Mr. Smith shuffles in attired in his customary bathrobe; Megan arrives in one of Roderick's bathrobes, which is a bit too large for her; Molly arrives nude.

Roderick serves everyone from a huge platter with stacks of scrapple, while the diners pass a bowl of applesauce.

Mr. Smith takes note of Molly's absence of clothing. "Molly, are you warm enough?"

"Yes, thank you. It's a lovely day outside."

Everyone agrees that it is indeed a lovely day.

Megan feels a need to clear the air. "Roderick doesn't fuck me yet. He's promised to fuck Molly first."

Roderick agrees. "That's true. A pledge is a pledge."

Molly infinitely prefers the expression 'do it' over the word 'fuck', but the cat is out of the bag. "Of course, there's no guarantee that he will fuck you after he fucks me."

Megan just smiles. Roderick changes the subject. "Megan's quite taken by Wagner. She's working on a new production concept."

Mr. Smith is impressed. "Really? How interesting!"

"It's true," says Megan. "It's 'good-bye Jane Austen' for me. I'm exploring my German heritage."

"I thought the Cupcakes came from Slovenia" remarks Mrs. Smith.

Megan dismisses the comment. "Slovenia, Germany...whatever."

Meanwhile, Mr. Smiley, Clotilde and little Alexander attend the Church of Irony, where today's sermon is Motherhood and Apple Pie: Two of the Things I Hate About America. After the service, they attend refreshments in the lobby, where the other congregants insult them and make fun of Alexander. Mr. Smiley just smiles.

Mr. Smiley's Conundrum

Today is Rogate, the fifth Sunday after Easter. At the St. Cecilia Chapel, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs the Bach cantata BWV 87 Bisher habt ihr nichts gebeten in meinem Namen, which translates as Until Now You Have Asked For Nothing in My Name. As the Chorale gathers to warm up before the service, Emily Scharf raises her hand.

Mr. Mendelssohn peers at Emily over his glasses. "Yes, Miss Scharf?".

"Why do they call it Rogate?"

Roderick rolls his eyes. Everyone knows that the Sundays are named after the first word of the Gregorian introit for the day. Emily is so dumb. Nevertheless, he feels compelled to fondle her buttocks.

Once again, there is no Soprano solo, so Emily sings in the Chorale, where her buttocks are close at hand. Mrs. Dowager sings the Alto solo, a ringer sings the Tenor and Zack sings the Bass.

Mr. Twitchy of the Theology faculty opens the inspirational message with the daily Bible reading, from the book of James:

But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:

For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.

But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

Mr. Twitchy closes the book, clears his throat, pours a glass of water from the pitcher on the lectern, drinks, then addresses the audience.

"I have no idea what any of this means."

Mr. Pipes closes the service with a rousing postlude.

After the service, Roderick stops in to see Megan, who did not attend the service. She answers his knock naked, her hair dishevelled. "Come on in," she beckons. "Don't mind me, I'm writing."

Roderick doesn't mind.

"What are you working on?"

"It's a concept for staging Wagner's Ring Cycle. Lake City Opera is sponsoring a contest for student writers."

"Bunny stories are on hold?"

With a wild gesture, Megan conveys her exhaustion with bunnies. Children's books are not her forte. No opportunities for BDSM.

"Want to read it?" Megan thrusts a manuscript into his hand. Roderick sits on the bed and begins to read.

Der Ring des Nibelungen
Production Concept by Megan Cupcake

First Opera: Das Rheingold

Scene One
The setting is a lovely German village by the Rhine River. Three lovely German maidens frolic naked in the river near a pile of gold. An Orthodox Jew named Alberich arrives and tries to have sex with them. They decline, so he takes the gold, which gives him world power but everyone hates him. This explains German anti-Semitism.

Roderick pauses. "I see that you're offering clues about the symbolism."

Megan rolls her eyes. "Have to. Opera audiences are really stupid."

Roderick continues to read.

Scene Two
The setting is Berchtesgaden. Wotan is Hitler and Fricka is Eva Braun. They awake and admire Hitler's new home, the Eagle's Nest, seen in the background. Eva/Fricka wonders how it was built and who paid for it. Hitler/Wotan tells her that he hired the Jewish industrialists Fafner and Fasolt and promised them beaucoup Reichsmarks in return, but now he's a little short because he can't inflate the currency like they did back in 1922. Fasolt and Fafner arrive and demand their money. When Hitler/Wotan can't come up with it, they take the maiden Freia and depart. Freia, who wears her long blonde hair in braids and is costumed in a dirndl, symbolizes young German women held in thrall to Jewish Industrialists.

Subtle, thinks Roderick. Megan joins him on the bed, her long reddish hair not really covering her large unrestrained breasts. Roderick notices that she has shaved her pubic hair in the shape of a valentine.

Scene Three
Hitler/Wotan and Goebbels/Loge go to the Berlin suburb of Nibelheim, where Alberich the rabbi runs a sweatshop and uses the power of a ring forged from the stolen Rhine gold to force honest German laborers to work for him to produce more gold. He also practices BDSM with Mime, his brother, with Alberich as dom and Mime as sub. Hitler/Wotan and Goebbels/Loge use trickery and the Nuremburg Laws to steal the ring, and they use its power to force Alberich to carry the gold to Berchtesgaden.

Scene Four
Hitler/Wotan pays off Fasolt and Fafner with Alberich's gold. They return Freia, then Fafner kills Fasolt, takes the gold and runs off to Poland, joins the Communist Party and hides in a bunker. To Wagner's grand and noble music, Hitler/Wotan, Eva/Fricka, Freia, Goebbels/Loge and other Nazi luminaries parade into the Eagle's Nest which is bedecked with swastikas.

Roderick puts down the manuscript. "Have you seen The Producers?"

Megan stretches out on her stomach, buttocks exposed. "No. Why?"

Meanwhile, in Beauneville, Mr. Smiley pays a social visit to Miss Penny, the town treasurer. Actually, it's not just a social visit; he wants to make a donation to the town coffers.

Miss Penny gestures to a cheap chair in her tiny kitchen. "Why don't you sit down? Would you like a cup of coffee? I have one of those little machines."

Mr. Smiley doesn't really care for coffee, but it's impolite to decline a proffered beverage. "Yes, thank you."

Miss Penny fiddles with the machine for a minute, then places a cup of coffee before Mr. Smiley. She does not offer cream and sugar.

Tentatively, Mr. Smiley sips the coffee, which tastes like swill. He grimaces slightly.

"Want to know how to save money on coffee?" Miss Penny confides. "Recycle the coffee pods!"

Mr. Smiley isn't quite sure how to respond. "Doesn't it, um, impact the flavor?"

"Double savings!" exclaims Miss Penny, triumphantly. "It tastes like swill, so I drink less."

This is a bit of a social conundrum for Mr. Smiley. On the one hand, one should never say anything not nice about a hostess' food and drink. On the other hand, Miss Penny seems to have let the cat out of the bag.

"It's nice," he murmurs.