Decoration Day

Tomorrow is Memorial Day in most areas of the United States. In Beauneville, it is just a regular Monday; on Thursday, May 30, Beauneville celebrates Decoration Day.

You might think that Beauneville didn't get the memo when Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act on June 28, 1968. That legislation official renamed Decoration Day to Memorial Day and moved it from May 30 to the last Monday in May.

In fact, Beauneville got the memo and ignored it.

The Post Office will be closed, of course, and if you have any business at the Elmore Bigelow Butts Federal Building in Stapleton you would be well advised to postpone your trip until Tuesday. In Beauneville, however, life will be normal tomorrow.

Another thing missing in Beauneville: veterans. Beauneville denizens have a long history of avoiding military service as much as possible; not out of a principled objection to war so much as an instinctive desire for liberty and an aversion to being used as cannon fodder.

Old Ivy has recessed for the summer. Roderick, Molly, Mary Bloom, Anna and Megan gather at Mr. Smiley's house; Mr. Smiley and Clotilde want to catch up with the latest news and gossip. Alexander naps.

Clotilde offers some pickles and cheese to Roderick. "What are you doing this summer?" she wonders.

Roderick chews. "Working at the canoe barn again. The money's good, and it's nice to be here in town."

"And you, Molly?"

Molly shrugs. "You know, the usual. Playing the piano, teaching karate, nude modeling..."

It's Mary's turn. "I'll be turning tricks with Daddy's clients. He's pimping for me." Mr. Smiley does not understand what "pimping" means, but he thinks that turning tricks is a good thing, because magic is nice.

Anna plans to live with the Blooms, work on her singing, do some solo gigs and generally relax.

Megan has exciting news. She's going to be an unpaid summer intern at Lake City Opera, along with three hundred other college students. Her submission for staging Das Rheingold helped her get a foot in the door, but she clinched the matter in her interview with LCO's Executive Director, Maestro Sergio Cazzo. Kneepads played a role.

"We're doing Le Nozze di Figaro in August," she beams.

Mr. Smiley is curious. "Where will you live in Lake City?"

"Maestro Cazzo has a room in his house where I can stay. It's very convenient, right next door to his bedroom so we can consult on libretti and stuff."

Molly suspects monkey business. "Isn't that a little...unusual? You know, for a young single woman..."

Megan frowns. "Ummm...I don't see why. After all, he has a wife. Her name is Rosina."

Later that day, the Smileys attend services at the Grand Sanctuary of the Church of Metaphor, in a shabby little storefront on Railroad Avenue.

Commencement

Today is Whit Sunday, the first day of Pentecost. In the Saint Cecilia Chapel, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs J.S.Bach's cantata BWV 34 O Ewiges Feuer, O Ursprung der Liebe, which translates roughly as Oh Eternal Flame, Oh Source of Love. Mrs. Dowager sings the Alto aria, one of the ringers sings the Tenor recitative and Zack sings the bass recitative.

Once again there is no Soprano solo, so Emily sings in the Chorus. Emily is grumpy today; "eternal flame" reminds her of that chlamydia infection.

Mr. Twitchy of the Theology faculty delivers the inspirational message for today. He steps to the lectern, places his note thereupon, clears his throat, and reads aloud:

And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit, and began to speak with other languages, as the Spirit gave them utterance. And there were dwelling at Jerusalem Jews, devout men, out of every nation under heaven. Now when this was noised abroad, the multitude came together, and were confounded, because that every man heard them speak in his own language.

He pauses, and takes a sip of water. "I don't really get this, so let's move on to the other reading for the day, from John 14:23-31:

Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father's who sent me.

“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe. I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me, but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here."

Mr. Twitchy pauses and looks around the Chapel. "Isn't that nice? Let's hear it for Jesus!" The congregation breaks out into thunderous applause.

Mr. Pipes ends the service with a vigorous recessional.

Today is also Old Ivy's Commencement Day, when students, parents and alumni gather to recognize the few who actually manage to secure a degree. Commencement ceremonies are held in the Quadrangle, by the Thinking Tree. The Old Ivy Chamber Orchestra provides the music; Roderick joins, playing second clarinet.

Commencement begins precisely at noon, with a processional of the faculty and graduates as the Chamber Orchestra plays the Funeral March from Beethoven's Third. The music is appropriately somber, to recognize the many who enrolled, but did not graduate.

In lieu of the conventional tam, the Old Ivy faculty vie with one another for the most ridiculous hats. This year, Miss Quimm of the English Lit faculty appears to be in the lead:

Miss Quimm's course in erotic fiction is consistently one of the most popular courses at Old Ivy, though it carries no degree credit.

However, the Political Economy faculty steals the show:


This year, the Commencement Committee sent speaking invitations to President Obama, Senator Marco Rubio, Governor Chris Christie and Angelina Jolie. None responded, so, per custom, the Committee selected Mr. Droop of the Philosophy department at random. Mr. Droop steps to the lectern.

"Class of 2013, you are full of yourselves today. But soon you will learn that life is short and that all of your accomplishments are pointless. In the Universe, whether you graduated today or not is a matter of complete indifference. Now go kill yourselves. Or not. It's all the same to me."

The Chamber Orchestra concludes the ceremony with the final dance from Ravel's Daphnis and Chloe, which is somewhat challenging as a recessional as it is in 5/4 time.

Meanwhile, in Beauneville, Mr. Smiley sits at this customary table in the Cafe Venice and sips his Caffe Mocha. It's nice.

Mr. Smiley Just Smiles

Mothers Day. Roderick awakes in his room at home, where he's spending the weekend. To his left, Molly lies nude and prostrate. To his right, buxom and bubbly Megan snoozes. Taking care not to wake either girlfriend, he extricates himself from the pile, slips on his bathrobe and pads downstairs to make breakfast for his Mom.

Last Thursday, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale celebrated the Feast of the Ascension with a performance of Bach's Cantata BWV 11 Lobet Gott in Seinen Reichen (which translates as Praise God in His Kingdoms). Zack sang the Bass arias, a ringer sang the Tenor, Alicia Manly (who says she's not a lesbian) sang the Alto and Emily warbled the Soprano soli For such a special event, as is the custom, members of the Old Ivy Chamber Orchestra joined the performance; there were three trumpets, tympani, two flutes, two oboes (the Reed siblings), violins, violas, celli and one string bass. The bassist kept breaking into riffs on "A Night in Tunisia" during the breaks, but nobody joined in.

Buttocks were not fondled.

On Friday night, Roderick, Molly and Megan drove home in the Roadmaster. (Megan's car is in the shop, or so she says). Yesterday, the three of them puttered around, doing the things they usually do in Beauneville -- hanging out at Dorabella's, visiting with Mr. Smiley in the Cafe Venice, lunch at the Red Trolley, and such. In the evening, Megan wanted to sleep over.

Roderick thought it best to check with Molly. "Do you mind if Megan sleeps with us?"

"It's fine with me as long as you don't 'do it' with her."

"That would be awkward."

And so the three of them slipped under the covers. Molly cuddled on one side and Megan, ever hopeful, cuddled up against Roderick on the other side.

Roderick decides to surprise Mrs. Smith by cooking the scrapple for breakfast. "Happy Mothers Day!" he exclaims as Mrs. Smith arrives.

"Oh, thank you!"

"Why don't you just sit down and relax while I get this ready. Coffee?"

Mrs. Smith assents to a cup of coffee. The scent of scrapple has lured the other denizens to the kitchen. Mr. Smith shuffles in attired in his customary bathrobe; Megan arrives in one of Roderick's bathrobes, which is a bit too large for her; Molly arrives nude.

Roderick serves everyone from a huge platter with stacks of scrapple, while the diners pass a bowl of applesauce.

Mr. Smith takes note of Molly's absence of clothing. "Molly, are you warm enough?"

"Yes, thank you. It's a lovely day outside."

Everyone agrees that it is indeed a lovely day.

Megan feels a need to clear the air. "Roderick doesn't fuck me yet. He's promised to fuck Molly first."

Roderick agrees. "That's true. A pledge is a pledge."

Molly infinitely prefers the expression 'do it' over the word 'fuck', but the cat is out of the bag. "Of course, there's no guarantee that he will fuck you after he fucks me."

Megan just smiles. Roderick changes the subject. "Megan's quite taken by Wagner. She's working on a new production concept."

Mr. Smith is impressed. "Really? How interesting!"

"It's true," says Megan. "It's 'good-bye Jane Austen' for me. I'm exploring my German heritage."

"I thought the Cupcakes came from Slovenia" remarks Mrs. Smith.

Megan dismisses the comment. "Slovenia, Germany...whatever."

Meanwhile, Mr. Smiley, Clotilde and little Alexander attend the Church of Irony, where today's sermon is Motherhood and Apple Pie: Two of the Things I Hate About America. After the service, they attend refreshments in the lobby, where the other congregants insult them and make fun of Alexander. Mr. Smiley just smiles.

Mr. Smiley's Conundrum

Today is Rogate, the fifth Sunday after Easter. At the St. Cecilia Chapel, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs the Bach cantata BWV 87 Bisher habt ihr nichts gebeten in meinem Namen, which translates as Until Now You Have Asked For Nothing in My Name. As the Chorale gathers to warm up before the service, Emily Scharf raises her hand.

Mr. Mendelssohn peers at Emily over his glasses. "Yes, Miss Scharf?".

"Why do they call it Rogate?"

Roderick rolls his eyes. Everyone knows that the Sundays are named after the first word of the Gregorian introit for the day. Emily is so dumb. Nevertheless, he feels compelled to fondle her buttocks.

Once again, there is no Soprano solo, so Emily sings in the Chorale, where her buttocks are close at hand. Mrs. Dowager sings the Alto solo, a ringer sings the Tenor and Zack sings the Bass.

Mr. Twitchy of the Theology faculty opens the inspirational message with the daily Bible reading, from the book of James:

But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:

For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.

But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

Mr. Twitchy closes the book, clears his throat, pours a glass of water from the pitcher on the lectern, drinks, then addresses the audience.

"I have no idea what any of this means."

Mr. Pipes closes the service with a rousing postlude.

After the service, Roderick stops in to see Megan, who did not attend the service. She answers his knock naked, her hair dishevelled. "Come on in," she beckons. "Don't mind me, I'm writing."

Roderick doesn't mind.

"What are you working on?"

"It's a concept for staging Wagner's Ring Cycle. Lake City Opera is sponsoring a contest for student writers."

"Bunny stories are on hold?"

With a wild gesture, Megan conveys her exhaustion with bunnies. Children's books are not her forte. No opportunities for BDSM.

"Want to read it?" Megan thrusts a manuscript into his hand. Roderick sits on the bed and begins to read.

Der Ring des Nibelungen
Production Concept by Megan Cupcake

First Opera: Das Rheingold

Scene One
The setting is a lovely German village by the Rhine River. Three lovely German maidens frolic naked in the river near a pile of gold. An Orthodox Jew named Alberich arrives and tries to have sex with them. They decline, so he takes the gold, which gives him world power but everyone hates him. This explains German anti-Semitism.

Roderick pauses. "I see that you're offering clues about the symbolism."

Megan rolls her eyes. "Have to. Opera audiences are really stupid."

Roderick continues to read.

Scene Two
The setting is Berchtesgaden. Wotan is Hitler and Fricka is Eva Braun. They awake and admire Hitler's new home, the Eagle's Nest, seen in the background. Eva/Fricka wonders how it was built and who paid for it. Hitler/Wotan tells her that he hired the Jewish industrialists Fafner and Fasolt and promised them beaucoup Reichsmarks in return, but now he's a little short because he can't inflate the currency like they did back in 1922. Fasolt and Fafner arrive and demand their money. When Hitler/Wotan can't come up with it, they take the maiden Freia and depart. Freia, who wears her long blonde hair in braids and is costumed in a dirndl, symbolizes young German women held in thrall to Jewish Industrialists.

Subtle, thinks Roderick. Megan joins him on the bed, her long reddish hair not really covering her large unrestrained breasts. Roderick notices that she has shaved her pubic hair in the shape of a valentine.

Scene Three
Hitler/Wotan and Goebbels/Loge go to the Berlin suburb of Nibelheim, where Alberich the rabbi runs a sweatshop and uses the power of a ring forged from the stolen Rhine gold to force honest German laborers to work for him to produce more gold. He also practices BDSM with Mime, his brother, with Alberich as dom and Mime as sub. Hitler/Wotan and Goebbels/Loge use trickery and the Nuremburg Laws to steal the ring, and they use its power to force Alberich to carry the gold to Berchtesgaden.

Scene Four
Hitler/Wotan pays off Fasolt and Fafner with Alberich's gold. They return Freia, then Fafner kills Fasolt, takes the gold and runs off to Poland, joins the Communist Party and hides in a bunker. To Wagner's grand and noble music, Hitler/Wotan, Eva/Fricka, Freia, Goebbels/Loge and other Nazi luminaries parade into the Eagle's Nest which is bedecked with swastikas.

Roderick puts down the manuscript. "Have you seen The Producers?"

Megan stretches out on her stomach, buttocks exposed. "No. Why?"

Meanwhile, in Beauneville, Mr. Smiley pays a social visit to Miss Penny, the town treasurer. Actually, it's not just a social visit; he wants to make a donation to the town coffers.

Miss Penny gestures to a cheap chair in her tiny kitchen. "Why don't you sit down? Would you like a cup of coffee? I have one of those little machines."

Mr. Smiley doesn't really care for coffee, but it's impolite to decline a proffered beverage. "Yes, thank you."

Miss Penny fiddles with the machine for a minute, then places a cup of coffee before Mr. Smiley. She does not offer cream and sugar.

Tentatively, Mr. Smiley sips the coffee, which tastes like swill. He grimaces slightly.

"Want to know how to save money on coffee?" Miss Penny confides. "Recycle the coffee pods!"

Mr. Smiley isn't quite sure how to respond. "Doesn't it, um, impact the flavor?"

"Double savings!" exclaims Miss Penny, triumphantly. "It tastes like swill, so I drink less."

This is a bit of a social conundrum for Mr. Smiley. On the one hand, one should never say anything not nice about a hostess' food and drink. On the other hand, Miss Penny seems to have let the cat out of the bag.

"It's nice," he murmurs.

I Think It's A Metaphor

Today is Cantate, the fourth Sunday after Easter, so named because...well, you know. Here is the first line of the Gregorian introit for the day, from Wikipedia. Where they got it, I do not know. The theme of the day is something to do with the joy of singing.



The Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs the J.S.Bach cantata BWV 108 Es ist euch gut, daß ich hingehe, which translates to "It is good that I leave." Zack sings the bass aria, Mrs. Dowager sings the alto arias and one of the ringers sings the tenor recitatives. Emily does not bother to ask what the text of this cantata has to do with the joy of singing.

Back in Beauneville, Mr. Smiley, Clotilde and little Alexander attend services at the Church of Irony. Before the service, Clotilde takes Alexander to Sunday School and leaves him with Mrs. Ripper, the preschool teacher. "Say goodbye to Mommy, Alexander," says Mrs. Ripper. "You may never see her again."

According to the bulletin, today's sermon is When Everything Is Ironic, Nothing Is Ironic. Mr. Smiley looks forward to something deep. However, at the appointed time in the program, Mr. Feckless simply tells a few jokes and juggles three red balls.

Meanwhile, Megan has decided to scrap the first chapter of her book and start again. She writes:

The brook. Nice, lovely brook. Nice, lovely, gurgling brook full of water. Wet water. Lovely wet water. Nice, lovely gurgling brook full of lovely wet water. Nice lovely brook gurgles forth from mountain spring and gurgles and gurgles and gurgles and gurgles and gurgles and gurgles through the nice lovely countryside. Nice lovely countryside with a lovely green dell through which the nice lovely brook gurgles and gurgles and gurgles.

Wagner's musical style suits Megan's literary bent.

Flowers. Pretty flowers. Pretty flowers in the dell through which the nice lovely brook full of lovely wet water gurgles. And blackberry bushes, loaded with plump, juicy, yummy black blackberries. And a pile of gold.

Three bunnies frolic and gambol in the dell, by the brook, near the blackberries, amidst the flowers and around the pile of gold. Their names are Flipsy, Flopsy and Fellatia..

Megan pauses. No, she thinks. That won't work.

Their names are Flipsy, Flopsy and Cottontail.

Flipsy: What's this gold doing here?

Flopsy: Shut up, I'm frolicking.

Cottontail: Big Daddy Bunny left it here. We're supposed to protect it from thieves.

Flipsy: That's stupid. We're just bunnies.

Cottontail: Don't worry, Big Daddy put a spell on it.

Flipsy: What kind of spell?

Flopsy (in mid-gambol): Will you two keep it down? I'm trying to focus.

Cottontail: Anyone who forges a ring from the gold will rule the world...

Flipsy: Oh, well I feel so much better.

Cottontail: ...but everyone will hate them.

Flopsy (stops frolicking): How do you know that?

Cottontail (pointing): It says so on this little sign.

Albert, a big fat ugly black bunny enters.

Albert: Who's up for sex?

Megan pauses, and smiles. She likes that line.

Flopsy: Sir, this is a children's book.

Flipsy: Also, you're ugly.

Albert: Well, if sex is out of the picture I'll just take this gold and be off.

Flipsy: You can't take that gold, it's special.

Albert: What's so special about it?

Cottontail (reading aloud): 'He who forges a ring from this gold shall rule the world...'

Flipsy: Shut up, you're just encouraging him.

Albert (reaching for the gold): Well, in that case...

Cottontail: '...but will be hated by all."

Albert (filling a sack with the gold(: What do I care, everyone hates me anyway.

Flipsy and Cottontail: Alas!

Albert: Well, I'm off! I shall forge a ring, rule the world and work my evil ends! (Exits)

Flopsy: Good riddance, creep. And who cares about the gold, we're bunnies, what would we do with it?

Flipsy: I think it's a metaphor.

Cottontail: We must go to Big Daddy and warn him. (Exeunt)

With Chapter One in the can, Megan joins the others at the Old Ivy Inn for lunch. Emily is there as well. She's thinking it must be over with Zack, as he did not fondle her buttocks today.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Today is Jubilate Sunday, so named because the first line of the Introit for the Mass of the day is Jubilate Deo omnis terra ("Everyone shout to God with joy"). Roderick thinks he senses a pattern to the naming of Sundays in the liturgical year.

The cantata for the day is J.S. Bach's Cantata BWV 12 Weinen, Klagen, Sorgen, Zagen (which translates as Weeping, Lamenting, Worrying, Fearing). The Old Ivy Bach Chorale gathers in the chapel before the service to warm up. As Mr. Mendelssohn steps to the podium, Emily Scharf raises her hand.

"Yes, Miss Scharf?" Mr. Mendelssohn hopes that Emily isn't planning to talk about what happened in the office last Tuesday. It was a spur of the moment thing, purely spontaneous passion. And the velvet handcuffs are just for play.

"Um, why is the cantata for the day about weeping and stuff when we're supposed to shout with joy?"

"Miss Scharf, we simply don't ask such questions at Old Ivy College." Some of the other members of the Chorale give Emily a look -- the kind where you know they're thinking shut up, Emily. Zack squeezes her buttocks.

Meanwhile, in Beauneville, the Smileys attend the Children's Service at the Church of Irony. Today's sermon is The Easter Bunny Skipped Your House On Purpose, You Miserable Brats.

Megan skips chapel this morning to write. She has recently discovered Der Ring des Nibelungen and, feeling that it better suits her exquisitely refined good taste than Pride and Prejudice, she has decided to dump Jane Austen for Richard Wagner. Hearing that Children's Books can sell, she has set out on a project to rewrite the Ring in the manner of Beatrix Potter.

Once upon a time, in a lovely dell with a lovely brook there lived three bunnies named Flipsy, Flopsy and Flutunia. There, in the dell, by the brook, the three bunnies frolicked and gamboled amidst the flowers, trees and a pile of gold.

"Oh, lovely flowers," said Flipsy.

"Oh, lovely trees," said Flopsy.

"Oh, lovely pile of gold," said Flutunia.

"By the way, I've been meaning to ask," said Flipsy, in mid-frolic. "Who left this pile of gold here?"

Flopsy stopped gamboling long enough to answer: "King Votan put it here. We're supposed to protect it."

"That's stupid" said Flutunia. "We're just bunnies, what are we going to protect it from?"

"Oh, lovely flowers," said Flipsy.

At that moment, a large ugly black wolf appeared. "Hey, bunnies!" he grunted. "Who wants to have sex?"

"We mustn't do that," said Flipsy. "This is a children's story."

"Besides," said Flopsy, "inter-species breeding is kind of disgusting."

"And you're ugly," said Flutunia.

The wolf sighs. "Yes, I know it. I've always been ugly. I'm Albert the Wolf, maybe you've heard of me?"

The bunnies frolicked and gamboled.

"Well," said Albert, "if sex is out of the question, I'll just take this gold and be on my way."

"You can't take that gold," said Flipsy. "It belongs to King Votan."

Albert looks around. "King Votan? Is he here?"

"No, he left it here for us to protect."

"You're just bunnies. What's going to stop me from taking this gold?"

"Well," said Flutunia, "if you take the gold everyone will hate you forever."

"They hate me anyway, so who cares."

"If you make a ring out of the gold," said Flipsy, "you will rule the world."

Flopsy slapped Flipsy with her paw. "Shut up, already. You're just encouraging him."

"Ha ha!" said Albert, as he grabbed the gold and stuffed it into his duffel bag. "I shall forge a ring from this gold, rule the world and seek revenge against King Votan!" With that, he slipped back into the woods.

And the bunnies were sad.

Having finished the first chapter, Megan joins the others for brunch at the Old Ivy Inn, where the topic of discussion is Jane Austen. "Jane Austen was a lesbian", declares Megan. "Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Lamb of God is Tasty

Today is Misericordias Domini, the second Sunday after Easter, also known as the Feast of Our Lady Mother of the Good Shepherd. At Saint Cecilia Chapel, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs the Bach Cantata BWV 104 Du Hirte Israel, Höre, (which translates as You Shepherd of Israel, Hear). One of the ringers sings the Tenor solo and Zack sings the Bass solo. There are no solos for women in this cantata, so Zack fondles Emily's buttocks during the opening Chorale.

Mr. Fribble of the Theology faculty delivers the inspirational message, the title of which is Lamb of God: Tasty when Roasted and Served with Mint Jelly and Garlic Sauce.

He begins by reading the text for the day, the pericope of the Good Shepherd from the Book of John:

I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.

The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep.

I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.

As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep.

And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd.

Mr. Fribble closes the Bible and addresses the congregation. "In these verses, Jesus gives us some great advice. First, if you want something done right, do it yourself. If you hire some dude to watch the sheep and a wolf shows up, he's just going to scram his ass out of there. What does he care? They're your sheep, not his.

"Unless, of course, you can hire Jesus to watch the sheep because he's really good at watching sheep. But you can't, because he died a couple of thousand years ago. And yes, I know he was resurrected, but he's just not available for jobs like sheep-watching. It's like what Mrs. Fribble says about finding good domestic help. A good cleaning lady is hard to find, and they don't do windows."

He pauses to sip from a glass of water.

"The other point is that if you're going to watch the sheep, carry a large gun, because wolves are badass motherfuckers.

"For more detail, buy my book, The Bible: Good News and Good Advice. It's 19.99 on Amazon, or if you come and see me in my office you can have a signed copy for $29.99."

Roderick makes a mental note to check it out on Amazon. He figures that Mr. Fribble's signature isn't worth ten dollars.

After the service, Roderick, Molly, Megan, Anna, Zack, Emily and the two tenors stroll over to the Old Ivy Inn for Sunday brunch. Today, the subject of discussion is History.

While chewing on a bite of omelet, Roderick wonders: "Why doesn't anyone ever talk about the good things Hitler did?"

Anna, who is beautifully dressed in a spring floral outfit, sips her tea. "Possibly because he was a genocidal dictator and demagogue who launched a program of murder directed against Jews."

Megan chimes in. "And the Romany. Hitler killed the Romany, too." Megan is up on Romany facts.

"And the Poles," says Emily.

One of the tenors speaks up. "Hitler killed homosexuals, too."

"Also," says Anna, "Hitler launched a war leading to the death and displacement of millions plus widespread destruction from the Atlantic to the Volga."

Roderick frowns. "Yes, yes, yes" he says. "But I mean, aside from all that."