Two-Wheeled Joy

The Beauneville Bicycle Company occupies a small building on the corner of Railroad Avenue and Tenth Street, about two blocks from the Red Trolley Diner. Established in 1893 at the height of America's Bicycling Craze, the company first planned to build a bicycle railway connecting Beauneville and Stapleton modeled on the Mount Holly and Smithville Bicycle Railway.

Company directors reconsidered the business plan in 1894 when the Beauneville Electric Railway began operations, as market research suggested that prospective customers preferred sitting over pedaling. Turning to the street bicycle market, the company rolled out its aptly named Goliath high-wheeled bicycle in 1895. Sadly, the Goliath was obsolete from its inception and sales were limited to a batch of ten purchased by the Stapleton Police Department. There is no truth to the rumor that the Stapleton Police Department purchased the Goliaths solely because Mayor Henry Gittings also happened to sit on the Board of Beauneville Bicycle Company. That is sheer coincidence.

In the wake of the failed Goliath, Beauneville Bicycle Company turned to the manufacture of standard "safety" bicycles, from which they have not deviated since. Beauneville Bicycle Company products are highly prized by Beauneville denizens, many of whom are avid bicyclists; the environs of Beauneville being well-suited to bicycling as the roads are wide, well-paved, thinly trafficked and generally free of hills.

Although bicycles are handed down from generation to generation -- there are seven or eight stored in the Smith's carriage house -- every Beauneville youngster longs for his very own shiny Cruiser or Cruisette. After school, one sometimes sees children gathered outside the showroom on Railroad Avenue, noses pressed to the glass. On Christmas morning, in many homes, a child peeps around the corner of the living room to see a Cruiser standing in its fendered glory, a moment captured in the Company's famous advertising tagline: "Gee, Dad! It's a Beauneville!"

Beauneville Bicycle Company's products are well suited to local needs. The Beauneville Boxster comes in quite handy when toting a load of apples:

Today, Roderick pedals the bike paths around Old Ivy College with Molly, Megan and Natasha on his classic Beauneville Town and Country:

Molly has the version with a little basket in front:

Buxom and bubbly Megan is a more casual bicyclist because, as she takes pains to point out, she jiggles. Unsurprisingly, her bicycle is red, and is designed to avoid contact with her ladyparts:

Natasha, of course, eschews the local product; she prefers, instead, an imported Schindelhauer "Ludwig XVIII", fully equipped with Pinion P1.18 gearbox, CNC-machined disc brakes, Brooks saddle and Gates’ Center- Track System. "It only cost Daddy 5,000 Euros" she likes to say, dismissing out of hand any questions about the euro-dollar exchange rate.

"Why is your bicycle called "Ludwig XVIII?" asks Molly.

"I think he's the King of Germany," says Natasha.

"Germany is a Federal Republic, and hasn't had a monarch since 1918" says Roderick. "Also, there never were Kings of what we now call Germany, only of its constituent parts Prussia, Saxony, Wurttemburg and Bavaria; the monarch of Germany was an Emperor and not a King. There were King Ludwigs of Bavaria, but only three of them and not eighteen. The last of them, King Ludwig III, ruled until November, 1918, when the monarchy ended under politically ambiguous circumstances and without an actual abdication."

"Look at me, I'm jiggling!" says Megan.

Roderick observes that Megan does indeed jiggle when she bicycles, although to be perfectly honest Megan jiggles when she does just about anything.

This year at Old Ivy Roderick plans to attend Sunday services at St. Cecilia chapel, but he will not sing in the Bach Chorale; it's a time management thing. Another reason: word has got out that men who sing in the Chorale can pretty much have their way with the sopranos, so there is no shortage of prospective baritones this year.

Emily Scharf was disappointed and tried to persuade him to sign up again. Actually, she groveled at his feet and begged him to accept sexual favors in return for contributing his voice; but when Roderick's mind is made up...

Autumnal Equinox

Today is the Autumnal Equinox, the first day of Autumn. The Smileys pack the bubble van and prepare for the return to Smileyville.

But first, Sunday dinner at the Smiths. Everyone's coming, including Grandma and Grandpa. Roderick, Molly and Megan drove down from Old Ivy this morning; Mary Bloom caught the train from Lake City last night so she can attend together with Mr. and Mrs. Bloom, Margaret, Catherine and Mr. Fuzzums.

Miss Kitty declines to attend.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith serve dinner promptly at one. On the menu: roast pork, apple sauce (made from freshly harvested Beuneville Beauties); and little green things.

Grandma wants to know what everyone did for the summer.

"Well," says Mr. Smiley. "We took a boat to Europe and visited Brest, Mont. St. Michel, Giverny, Versailles and Paris. Then we took a train to Brussels and Amsterdam, after which we visited Cologne, Dusseldorf, Hamburg, Berlin, Leipzig, Prague, Vienna, Venice, Milan, Florence, Pisa, Rome, Naples, the Amalfi Coast and Capri. Then over to Marseilles, Nice, Cannes, a brief side trip to Barcelona, the Basque country, Gascony, then up the Loire and back to Paris, where we transferred to the Brest train and the steamer back to America."

"Wow!" says Megan. "Quite an itinerary!. What did you think of Europe?"

Mr. Smiley, pauses to ponder, then responds. "It was nice."

"They have very nice cheese in Amsterdam," Clotilde volunteers.

"We saw bubble cars in Milan" adds Mr. Smiley. "A remarkable collection."

"What about you, Molly?" asks Grandma. "What did you do this summer?"

"I learned Charles Ives' Concord Sonata, advanced a degree in karate and posed for the mural Natasha's doing for the Student Union at Old Ivy."

"A mural? That's wonderful! What's it called?"

"Molly Bloom's Moist Pink Vagina."

Mary Bloom, not wishing to be outdone by her older sister, boasts of her summer accomplishments. "I earned $30,000 through prostitution in Lake City this summer. That's all taxable income, of course, so I set up a Subchapter S corporation so I can write off my expenses: the large four-poster bed, velvet handcuffs, the maid's uniform and schoolgirl outfit, large quantities of Listerine and also the occasional abortion should the need arise."

Mr. Bloom leans toward Mr. Smith and whispers proudly: "She's majoring in Business."

Mr. Smith nods. "Clever girl."

"What did you do this summer, Roderick?"

Roderick swallows a bite of roast pork slathered in applesauce, and pushes the little green things to one side of his plate. "Oh, the usual. I worked at the canoe barn, polished the Roadmaster daily and interviewed at Old Ivy for the Jay Gould Society."

Megan is intrigued. "The Jay Gould Society? I interviewed for that, too! What did they ask about in the interview?"

"They just wanted to know why I'm interested in Business."

"They asked me the same thing. What did you tell them?"

"I told them I want to make a lot of money by any means necessary and shelter it all from taxes. How did you answer?"

Megan looks sheepish. "I told them I want do work towards gender equity and equal opportunity for women in business."

Roderick smiles awkwardly. He likes Megan, and thinks she's really creative and stuff, but really, sometimes she is just self-defeating and dumb. "Well," he says, hoping someone will change the subject, "I guess we'll hear from them pretty soon."

Megan spent the summer as one of several hundred unpaid interns at the Lake City Opera.

"That must be hard, being one of so many interns." says Mrs. Smith sympathetically, serving the pie.

"There are advantages," says Megan, spooning some ice cream. "I only had to blow the Maestro once."

Little Alexander, sitting patiently in his oddly-shaped and brightly colored high chair, is bored. "Want cheese!" he screams.

Clotilde indulges him with a nice piece of cheese. But that's to be expected because Smileys, as you know, like to indulge their children.

The Eagle and the Lambs

The children of Beauneville gather for Reading Time at Dorabella's Bookstore. Mr. Smiley is reading today. He squeezes into the Reading Chair, and the little ones arrange themselves into a circle. Holding the book so the tots can see the cover, Mr. Smiley reads the title: "The Eagle and the Lamb."

"Ooooh!" say the children, who like animal stories.

Mr. Smiley reads:

Once upon a time, in the land of Flemm, there was a flock of cute little lambs. The lambs spent most of their days grazing in the pasture, because that's pretty much what lambs do. One little lamb, whose name was Petunia, was quite a bit smarter than the rest of the flock, which isn't saying much since lambs aren't the sharpest denizens of the animal kingdom, but in relative terms at least she was smart.

One day, Petunia decided that she was totally fed up with grazing and decided to wander away from the flock. Her sisters -- named Flossie, Millie and Zeppelin -- bleated a warning. "Petunia, you mustn't wander away from the flock. The eagle is evil, and he will eat you."

Petunia ignored them. "Stupid bourgeois morality" she muttered to herself, and continued to wander.

Soon thereafter, an eagle, named Fred, swooped down and landed in front of Petunia, blocking her path. "Good morning, little lambie," he said. "Pleased to meet you. My name is Fred, and I'm going to eat you."

"That's not very nice," said Petunia. "Also, it's evil."

"Evil, shmevil," said Fred. "I'm hungry. Also, Nietzsche says it's wrong for the weak to restrain the strong."

"What, are you an adolescent?" asked Petunia. "Nietzsche is an idiot."

"I beg your pardon?" said Fred, indignantly. "He is the greatest of philosophers."

"Philosophy, shmilosophy. Why should I give a moment's thought to some dude who says it's OK for you to eat me?"

"You can't just pick and choose philosophy based on your personal interests."

"I just did. Poof." Petunia made a dismissive gesture. "Nietzsche can bite me."

"I guess I can't convince you," said Fred. "But I'm going to eat you anyway."

"You can certainly try, but you might want to reconsider. I'm wearing a suicide belt, and if you eat me your feathers will be spread far and wide in this pasture."

"Suicide belt? I don't see a suicide belt."

"It's under my wool."

"You're bluffing."

"If you think so, go ahead and try to eat me. You'll see."

"Sorry lambie. It's in my nature to eat you." With that remark, Fred gobbled up Petunia. A moment later there was a huge explosion, and pieces of Fred went flying everywhere.

Back in the pasture, Flossie, Millie and Zeppelin heard the boom and stopped grazing for a moment.

"There goes Petunia," said Flossie, between bites.

Zeppelin stopped chewing for a moment. "Stupid eagles."

"They can't help it," said Millie. "It's in their nature."

"So much for nature," said Flossie.

"So much for Nietzsche," said Zeppelin.

"The End" says Mr. Smiley. He rises from the Reading Chair and returns the book to Dorabella, who stands behind the register.

"I read Also Sprach Zarathustra some years ago," says Mr. Smiley. "In German."

"Really!" says Dorabella. "What did you think of it?"

Mr. Smiley ponders a moment. "It was nice."

A Grand Offering

The Church of Metaphor split from the Unitarian Church in 1887, following the inspirational preaching of Dr. Wilfred Homily, who famously wrote that "this thing we worship is a metaphor for something." Dr. Homily's flock soon divided into two camps; one founded the Church of Metaphor, the other founded the Church of Something. The Church of Metaphor suffered a further schism in 1922 in a doctrinal dispute over use of the words "like" and "as"; devotees thereof founded the Church of Simile, a congregation of which meets in Stapleton each Sunday afternoon.

Roderick wants to learn more about business careers, and Mr. Smith has arranged a tour of Beaune Valve. Debbie Flack, Vice President of Public Relations, meets him in the lobby. "Good morning, Roderick!" she chirps, extending a hand.

"Good morning." Roderick isn't sure if it's Miss Flack, Mrs. Flack or Miz Flack, so he skips the honorific altogether.

Miss Flack beckons. "We'll begin in my department." She leads Roderick into a large room with many cubicles filled with young people typing on computers. "My team handles all of Beaune Valve's social media operations."

Roderick is amazed. "Wow, people get paid to use Twitter and Facebook?"

Miss Flack laughs. "Oh, we don't pay them, they're interns." She continues down the hallway to a large corner office. Knocking, she gestures to Roderick to enter. "Roderick, meet Debbie Credit, Chief Financial Officer of Beaune Valve."

Behind the desk is an attractive forty-ish woman in a business suit, who stands to greet him. "Good morning, Roderick!"

Roderick isn't sure whether it's Miss Credit, Mrs. Credit or Miz Credit, so he skips the honorific. "Good morning!"

Mrs. Credit beckons to a chair; Roderick sits; Debbie Flack departs. "So!" says Mrs. Credit, "I hear you're at Old Ivy."

Roderick nods.

"What are you studying?"

"Oh, you know...Logic, Rhetoric, Mathematics, History of Banking..."

"And you're interested in business?"

"Yes."

"Well, the first rule of business is to make money. That means you have to know how much you make on everything you sell. That's where my team comes in. The Controller, Mr. Harianus, runs the cost accounting system so we know about all of the costs that go into every valve we make."

Roderick writes this down.

"The second rule is to manage the money you make. Miss Kashflo, the Treasurer, keeps track of our surplus cash, invests the money for short periods and makes sure we have enough cash in the bank every other week to make payroll.

"The third rule is to minimize taxes. That's where Mrs. Dee Duction comes in. She manages our Federal, state and local tax liability."

"How did you get to be CFO?" Roderick wonders.

"I got promoted last year from Treasurer. Before that, I worked for five years for the accounting firm of Beatum and Cheatum, where I got my CPA."

"What was it like working for Beatum and Cheatum?"

"It sucked. They treat you like crap, because they know that a CPA is a meal ticket, and you can't get one without some experience at an audit firm. But c'est la vie."

Roderick thanks Mrs. Credit and departs. He's learned enough to know that he doesn't want to be a CFO.

"Come on back next week, and I'll introduce you to some more people" says Debbie Flack, perkily.

Meanwhile, Mr. Smiley places a dollar in the collection plate at the Church of Metaphor. It's a grand offering.

Decoration Day

Tomorrow is Memorial Day in most areas of the United States. In Beauneville, it is just a regular Monday; on Thursday, May 30, Beauneville celebrates Decoration Day.

You might think that Beauneville didn't get the memo when Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act on June 28, 1968. That legislation official renamed Decoration Day to Memorial Day and moved it from May 30 to the last Monday in May.

In fact, Beauneville got the memo and ignored it.

The Post Office will be closed, of course, and if you have any business at the Elmore Bigelow Butts Federal Building in Stapleton you would be well advised to postpone your trip until Tuesday. In Beauneville, however, life will be normal tomorrow.

Another thing missing in Beauneville: veterans. Beauneville denizens have a long history of avoiding military service as much as possible; not out of a principled objection to war so much as an instinctive desire for liberty and an aversion to being used as cannon fodder.

Old Ivy has recessed for the summer. Roderick, Molly, Mary Bloom, Anna and Megan gather at Mr. Smiley's house; Mr. Smiley and Clotilde want to catch up with the latest news and gossip. Alexander naps.

Clotilde offers some pickles and cheese to Roderick. "What are you doing this summer?" she wonders.

Roderick chews. "Working at the canoe barn again. The money's good, and it's nice to be here in town."

"And you, Molly?"

Molly shrugs. "You know, the usual. Playing the piano, teaching karate, nude modeling..."

It's Mary's turn. "I'll be turning tricks with Daddy's clients. He's pimping for me." Mr. Smiley does not understand what "pimping" means, but he thinks that turning tricks is a good thing, because magic is nice.

Anna plans to live with the Blooms, work on her singing, do some solo gigs and generally relax.

Megan has exciting news. She's going to be an unpaid summer intern at Lake City Opera, along with three hundred other college students. Her submission for staging Das Rheingold helped her get a foot in the door, but she clinched the matter in her interview with LCO's Executive Director, Maestro Sergio Cazzo. Kneepads played a role.

"We're doing Le Nozze di Figaro in August," she beams.

Mr. Smiley is curious. "Where will you live in Lake City?"

"Maestro Cazzo has a room in his house where I can stay. It's very convenient, right next door to his bedroom so we can consult on libretti and stuff."

Molly suspects monkey business. "Isn't that a little...unusual? You know, for a young single woman..."

Megan frowns. "Ummm...I don't see why. After all, he has a wife. Her name is Rosina."

Later that day, the Smileys attend services at the Grand Sanctuary of the Church of Metaphor, in a shabby little storefront on Railroad Avenue.

Commencement

Today is Whit Sunday, the first day of Pentecost. In the Saint Cecilia Chapel, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale performs J.S.Bach's cantata BWV 34 O Ewiges Feuer, O Ursprung der Liebe, which translates roughly as Oh Eternal Flame, Oh Source of Love. Mrs. Dowager sings the Alto aria, one of the ringers sings the Tenor recitative and Zack sings the bass recitative.

Once again there is no Soprano solo, so Emily sings in the Chorus. Emily is grumpy today; "eternal flame" reminds her of that chlamydia infection.

Mr. Twitchy of the Theology faculty delivers the inspirational message for today. He steps to the lectern, places his note thereupon, clears his throat, and reads aloud:

And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit, and began to speak with other languages, as the Spirit gave them utterance. And there were dwelling at Jerusalem Jews, devout men, out of every nation under heaven. Now when this was noised abroad, the multitude came together, and were confounded, because that every man heard them speak in his own language.

He pauses, and takes a sip of water. "I don't really get this, so let's move on to the other reading for the day, from John 14:23-31:

Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father's who sent me.

“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe. I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me, but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here."

Mr. Twitchy pauses and looks around the Chapel. "Isn't that nice? Let's hear it for Jesus!" The congregation breaks out into thunderous applause.

Mr. Pipes ends the service with a vigorous recessional.

Today is also Old Ivy's Commencement Day, when students, parents and alumni gather to recognize the few who actually manage to secure a degree. Commencement ceremonies are held in the Quadrangle, by the Thinking Tree. The Old Ivy Chamber Orchestra provides the music; Roderick joins, playing second clarinet.

Commencement begins precisely at noon, with a processional of the faculty and graduates as the Chamber Orchestra plays the Funeral March from Beethoven's Third. The music is appropriately somber, to recognize the many who enrolled, but did not graduate.

In lieu of the conventional tam, the Old Ivy faculty vie with one another for the most ridiculous hats. This year, Miss Quimm of the English Lit faculty appears to be in the lead:

Miss Quimm's course in erotic fiction is consistently one of the most popular courses at Old Ivy, though it carries no degree credit.

However, the Political Economy faculty steals the show:


This year, the Commencement Committee sent speaking invitations to President Obama, Senator Marco Rubio, Governor Chris Christie and Angelina Jolie. None responded, so, per custom, the Committee selected Mr. Droop of the Philosophy department at random. Mr. Droop steps to the lectern.

"Class of 2013, you are full of yourselves today. But soon you will learn that life is short and that all of your accomplishments are pointless. In the Universe, whether you graduated today or not is a matter of complete indifference. Now go kill yourselves. Or not. It's all the same to me."

The Chamber Orchestra concludes the ceremony with the final dance from Ravel's Daphnis and Chloe, which is somewhat challenging as a recessional as it is in 5/4 time.

Meanwhile, in Beauneville, Mr. Smiley sits at this customary table in the Cafe Venice and sips his Caffe Mocha. It's nice.

Mr. Smiley Just Smiles

Mothers Day. Roderick awakes in his room at home, where he's spending the weekend. To his left, Molly lies nude and prostrate. To his right, buxom and bubbly Megan snoozes. Taking care not to wake either girlfriend, he extricates himself from the pile, slips on his bathrobe and pads downstairs to make breakfast for his Mom.

Last Thursday, the Old Ivy Bach Chorale celebrated the Feast of the Ascension with a performance of Bach's Cantata BWV 11 Lobet Gott in Seinen Reichen (which translates as Praise God in His Kingdoms). Zack sang the Bass arias, a ringer sang the Tenor, Alicia Manly (who says she's not a lesbian) sang the Alto and Emily warbled the Soprano soli For such a special event, as is the custom, members of the Old Ivy Chamber Orchestra joined the performance; there were three trumpets, tympani, two flutes, two oboes (the Reed siblings), violins, violas, celli and one string bass. The bassist kept breaking into riffs on "A Night in Tunisia" during the breaks, but nobody joined in.

Buttocks were not fondled.

On Friday night, Roderick, Molly and Megan drove home in the Roadmaster. (Megan's car is in the shop, or so she says). Yesterday, the three of them puttered around, doing the things they usually do in Beauneville -- hanging out at Dorabella's, visiting with Mr. Smiley in the Cafe Venice, lunch at the Red Trolley, and such. In the evening, Megan wanted to sleep over.

Roderick thought it best to check with Molly. "Do you mind if Megan sleeps with us?"

"It's fine with me as long as you don't 'do it' with her."

"That would be awkward."

And so the three of them slipped under the covers. Molly cuddled on one side and Megan, ever hopeful, cuddled up against Roderick on the other side.

Roderick decides to surprise Mrs. Smith by cooking the scrapple for breakfast. "Happy Mothers Day!" he exclaims as Mrs. Smith arrives.

"Oh, thank you!"

"Why don't you just sit down and relax while I get this ready. Coffee?"

Mrs. Smith assents to a cup of coffee. The scent of scrapple has lured the other denizens to the kitchen. Mr. Smith shuffles in attired in his customary bathrobe; Megan arrives in one of Roderick's bathrobes, which is a bit too large for her; Molly arrives nude.

Roderick serves everyone from a huge platter with stacks of scrapple, while the diners pass a bowl of applesauce.

Mr. Smith takes note of Molly's absence of clothing. "Molly, are you warm enough?"

"Yes, thank you. It's a lovely day outside."

Everyone agrees that it is indeed a lovely day.

Megan feels a need to clear the air. "Roderick doesn't fuck me yet. He's promised to fuck Molly first."

Roderick agrees. "That's true. A pledge is a pledge."

Molly infinitely prefers the expression 'do it' over the word 'fuck', but the cat is out of the bag. "Of course, there's no guarantee that he will fuck you after he fucks me."

Megan just smiles. Roderick changes the subject. "Megan's quite taken by Wagner. She's working on a new production concept."

Mr. Smith is impressed. "Really? How interesting!"

"It's true," says Megan. "It's 'good-bye Jane Austen' for me. I'm exploring my German heritage."

"I thought the Cupcakes came from Slovenia" remarks Mrs. Smith.

Megan dismisses the comment. "Slovenia, Germany...whatever."

Meanwhile, Mr. Smiley, Clotilde and little Alexander attend the Church of Irony, where today's sermon is Motherhood and Apple Pie: Two of the Things I Hate About America. After the service, they attend refreshments in the lobby, where the other congregants insult them and make fun of Alexander. Mr. Smiley just smiles.