Masquerade

Each year, the Beauneville Latin Senior Class stages the Halloween Masquerade at the Ballroom of the Beaune estate. The party always follows a three-part program, starting with the Silent Masquerade, followed by The Unmasking, and ending with a Celebration.

For dress, the emphasis is on the disguise and not the costume. The most important thing is to disguise your true identity and not to emulate someone else. This is why the first part of the party is silent: attendees point, gesticulate, mime and otherwise use body language to get their points across.

Generally, a dark and evil theme is desirable.

Members of the Senior Class dress completely in black, but do not disguise themselves. They serve as waiters, ushers, bouncers, musicians, and so forth, and two serve as King and Queen of the event, as we shall see.

The Silent Masquerade is brief, and soon the Unmasking begins. Members of the senior class mingle among the attendees and try to guess the identity of each. If the guess is correct, the party-goer removes his or her mask and moves to the side of the room. As the party progresses, the crowd in the center gets progressively smaller. The last remaining young man and young woman to be unmasked will be King and Queen of the party next year.

Finally, there is a general celebration.

The silent nature of the first part of the program complicates Mary's effort to profit from the engagement. Attending in her "schoolgirl" outfit with a mask, her identity is obvious, which is a feature not a bug, since word has spread about the benefits of friendship with Mary. Unfortunately, the need for sign language means misunderstandings are inevitable. Mary enters the party believing she has a partner committed to paying three hundred dollars in exchange for sex. Her partner believes that after the party there will be three types of sex.

The youth of Beauneville crowd the Ballroom. Mozart plays. One young woman -- her gender is obvious -- is completely naked except for her mask; her hair is pulled up and hidden. There are a number of ghouls, draped loosely in flowing capes from head to toe, of uncertain identity and gender. Someone in black has a box over his or her head. Near the punch, a large painted cardboard box has legs and arms.

Felix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy strides to the dance floor. His sister, Fanny waddles behind.

Jane Austen, or a buxom version thereof, observes.

A prostitute stands toward the side, taking notes.

Marie Antoinette and her entourage, all decked out as ladies in waiting at Versailles, arrive with great pomp and splendor.

The unmasking begins. Mary Bloom is the first to be revealed, followed closely by the nude girl, who is revealed as Bibi; her private parts have distinguishing features that are well known to members of the senior class, thanks mostly to Dickie's telephoto lens and website.

The box with arms and legs is Dickie. The box is a giveaway, as it previously held a web server. Katie is also revealed quickly, for similar reasons: she found her box in the trash at Zeppelin Drugs; previously, it held a shipment of condoms.

Jane Austen, unsurprisingly, is unmasked as Megan.

Felix and Fanny Mendelssohn hold out for some time, primarily because most Latins are unfamiliar with the unusual tastes of the KulturPunks.

Betsy Flapper is given away by her entourage.

Mary's partner turns out to be Donny Clapper. Now that speaking is permitted, Mary attempts to close the transaction and discovers the misunderstanding. Donny Clapper is also disappointed, and appears menacing for a moment, until Miss Agassiz -- dressed as Mistress Renee -- collars him and sends him on his way.

Miss Agassiz tugs Mary into an office. "Explain yourself, Miss Bloom", she demands, fondling her whipping stick.

Mary improvises. "I'll be very bad for three hundred dollars."

Meanwhile, in the ballroom, there are just four remaining masked revelers, all of them ghouls. Extremely difficult to identify, they flit and flitter around the center of the room, flapping their capes. By process of elimination, the possibilities are limited, but this is nevertheless the most suspenseful moment of the evening: who will be King and Queen next year?

The Game

...as the lights come up in the Admissions Center, Dick and Anna come to life on the central stage.

"Wow, Anna, that movie was swell!"

"Gosh, Dick, I have a lump in my throat!"

Dick approaches the edge of the stage. "And now, everyone, it's almost time for the big game! Here to lead us to the stadium -- the E-S-Yoooooooooo cheerleaders!"

Again with the raucous music. The cheerleaders, hot scantily clad babes all, run onto stage and form a circle, facing out. The cheerleading captain, in the center of the circle, addresses the crowd: "Let's hear the ESU Spirit Cheer!"

E-S-U! E-S-U!
E-S-U Spirit!
Kick 'em!
Bash 'em!
Stomp 'em!
Smash 'em on the field and grind 'em to a bloody pulp!
Go Bulldozers!
Yay!

The cheerleaders run off stage and outside. The crowd follows and surges across the campus to the stadium. Carried along with the crowd, the Latins struggle to stay together.

Donny Clapper is pumped. "I love this place! Go ESU! Go ESU!", he yells, fist pumping.

Miss Agassiz grabs him by the hair. "Mistress Renee is not happy with the worm", she sneers.

"Ow! My hair!" complains Donny.

"Mistress Renee likes ULC and so does the worm, doesn't he?"

"Yes, yes, I meant to say ULC! ULC!"

The Latins find their seats in the Visitors section, which is surrounded by armed guards to protect ULC fans from overly pumped ESU fans. The ULC cheerleaders, who are selected based on academic performance, are not terribly attractive. They compensate for this by performing topless.

The ESU-ULC game is a closely watched matchup, as the two teams have diametrically opposite approaches to the game of football. ESU carefully recruits the biggest and best high school players that alumni money can buy, gives them the finest equipment and facilities and all the best performance enhancing drugs cooked up by the ESU medical school. The result is a team of gargantuan, intimidating players who delight in maiming the opposition.

ULC, on the other hand, recruits solely from students otherwise admitted to the University. For the most part, the players are skinny, scrawny guys who wear glasses and ponder each decision for an extended period. They win, however, by outsmarting the opposition, and by bribing the referees.

Today is no exception. ESU kicks off to ULC, who receives the ball on their own ten-yard line. In the face of a wall of oncoming ESU special teams, the ULC receiver downs the ball immediately to stop play.

On the first down, the ULC quarterback calls "hike", a swarm of ULC linebackers cross the line of scrimmage and... there is a flag on the play. Offsides. Holding. Defense. Ten Yards. First down, ULC. The topless ULC cheerleaders parade up and down.

Next play. Hike. Swarm. Flag on the play. Offsides. Holding. Defense. Ten Yards. First down, ULC. The ULC cheerleaders shake their breasts.

Next play, on their own forty, ULC passes the ball. Flag on the play. Pass interference. Defense. First down at the site of the penalty. ULC now has first and ten on the ESU forty yard line. The ULC quarterback now elects to run one of those impossibly complicated mathematical plays for which the Quants are known. At the hike, the quarterback hands the ball to the fullback, who runs to the right and hands to the halfback, who runs to the left and hands to the wide receiver, who passes behind the line of scrimmage to the quarterback, who passes to the fullback, who tosses a bomb downfield to the other wide receiver. At the end of the play, there are ten ULC players flat on the ground under piles of hugh ESU defensemen, and the tight end stands unmolested by the goal posts. He does a little war dance.

Meanwhile, Mary Bloom is quite put out. She shows her father a message on her iPhone from Dickie Wickett:

Hav 2 cancel date 2morrow, busy. Another time?

Dickie

Mr. Bloom frowns. "That's a shame, honey. You must feel hurt and disappointed."

"Hurt? It's opportunity cost! He was going to pay me two hundred and seventy five dollars! Where am I going to get a date now? The masquerade is tomorrow!"

Mr. Bloom pats her shoulder reassuringly in his best 'father knows best' style'. "Stand near the door, wait for some single guy and offer a free date if he pays three hundred dollars for sex. Play it smart and you can turn a couple of tricks."

Mary hugs her Dad. "Oh Daddy, you're just the smartest Daddy in Beauneville".

Back at the game, the score is 36-0 in the ESU fans are getting ugly. The Latins decide to leave before there is blood.

On the bus ride home, Roderick and Molly snuggle. "How are you dressing for the masquerade?" asks Molly.

Roderick just smiles.

You and ESU

The film continues...

Gradually, the light increases on the faces of the diverse group of students. The camera pans backwards. We hear the voice of James Earl Jones:

You. And ESU.

Cut to a hand-held video in the student union. Hot girls in minimal attire and ripped guys mingle. The place is bustling. Again, the voice:

ESU is all about you.

A shot of the library shows an ethnically diverse group of students studying:

Your dreams. Your plans. ESU. It's about you.

The cafeteria. Ethnically diverse students eating delicious healthy food.

ESU. Where your dreams come true.

A great lawn. Diverse men and women sitting, standing, playing frisbee, holding hands, reading.

ESU. A four-year party on your parent's dime.

Cut to a classroom. A nutty professor fills a blackboard with equations.

Okay, seriously, your Mom and Dad want you to learn something, right. So let's talk about academics. At ESU, academics are all about you.

Shot of classroom filled with jocks and cheerleaders. An instructor writes C-A-T on the board.

Thinking of an athletic career? Or perhaps you'd like a government job? The ESU Basic Studies Plan means you can move forward quickly to graduation at a reasonable price without a lot of meaningless learning.

Cut to a seminar room. Ethnically diverse students engage in spirited dialogue. Behind the students, on the blackboard, someone has written The Great Gatsby.

If a liberal education is to your liking, ESU Arts and Sciences offers four hundred and twenty-six majors from Anthropology to Zoology, with everything in between. And if you don't see the major you like, just ask! ESU Independent Study means you study whatever you like!

Cut to a different shot of the library. Asian students with stacks of books and papers, cramming for finals.

Think you have what it takes to get into Med School? Consider the ESU Honors College. It's not really a college, nor much of an honor, but you can feel smug for a reasonable price. And ESU's Six-Year Medical Scholars program, offered in partnership with the Medical College of Zimbabwe, offers guaranteed admission to the medical profession in at least some countries!

Shot of a lone student standing by a reproduction of Rodin's The Thinker.

But ESU knows why you're really going to college. Sure, the academics are just the way you like them; the food is adequate and the dormitories are free of major Health Code violations. The football is awe-inspiring. But that's not why you come to ESU. You come for the sex.

Wild party. Girls in wet t-shirts getting hosed down with beer. Guys prancing around the room Chippendale style. A pile of naked, writhing bodies.

That's right, you come to ESU because you want to get laid. And under the ESU Sex Assurance Plan, if you don't get laid in your first semester, your second semester is absolutely free!

Cut to a shot of a huge stadium, backlit by sunset.

Did somebody say football?

Close-up shot of seven huge grunting football players colliding with another seven huge grunting footballers as the pigskin snaps. A moment of chaos. We see a quarterback drop back to pass. He stands, a heroic figure, silhouetted against the crowd until three gargantuan linebackers erupt from screen right, fly through the air and flatten him with a sickening crackle of flesh and bone. The linebackers dance and high-five one another. The quarterback lies motionless. A medical team runs to his assistance.

ESU Spirit. It says: ESU doesn't just play to win. ESU flattens everything in its path.

Cut to black. White titles read: ESU Students Talk About ESU. Camera shots of student talking heads in various places around campus. A pretty co-ed with glasses:

"My name is Emily and I'm double major in Religion and Gender Studies, and I have ESU Spirit!"

A young man wearing an ESU sweatshirt:

"My name is Billy and I'm an Accounting major and I have ESU Spirit!"

Neatly-dressed Chinese girl:

"My name is Ping and I'm a Math major and I have ESU Spirit!"

Latino dude:

"Mi nombre es geraldo y tengo pasión para el ESU!"

Deaf girl (signing):

"Hi I'm not deaf I'm just stupid".

Cut to aerial shot of the vast ESU campus. Row after row of gargantuan Soviet-style dormitories. Sprawling athletic complex. The camera helicopters in on a large field with thousands of students, all looking up at the camera, who extend their arms and shout:

"We have ESU Spirit!"

Cut to black. The letters E, S and the word "You" appear as the James Earl Jones voice closes:

ESU. It's Enormous. It's State. And it's all about You.

The lights come on...

Enormous State University

On Saturday morning, everyone gathers after breakfast for the bus ride to Enormous State University, where they will attend an admissions information session and watch the ESU Bulldozers play football versus the University of Lake City Quants.

Seating on the bus is as before: Betsy Flapper and her entourage, followed by Donny Clapper and his entourage, followed by a group of students including Roderick and Molly, Henry and Natasha, Megan and Bibi, Martha and Jock. In the rear, Dickie Wickett and Katie Zeppelin, sex partners and retail aficionados nuzzle contentedly.

Roderick snuggles with Molly. Last night, after Miss Agassiz left, Roderick snuggled under the covers with Molly. She was nice and warm. He wondered: is tonight the night? Raising himself on an elbow, he peeked over Molly's shoulder; she was snoozing. I guess not.

Martha Blick cuddles up against Jock. Last night, Martha's fears and inhibitions struggled with Martha's desires. Desire won out. The rest of the night would best be described as an irresistible force meeting an insatiable object.

Miss Agassiz drives separately in her black Porsche Boxster, but this time Dirk Feelgood rides along. Roderick thinks that at breakfast, Miss Agassiz seemed...subdued.

Thankfully, nobody tries to sing 'ninety-nine bottles of beer...".

It takes about an hour to get to Enormous State University; when they arrive, the bus turns into a large parking lot and, halts with a hiss of brakes, disgorges the class. Shortly after arriving, Natasha disgorges two platesful of breakfast pancakes, bacon, sausage and home fries onto the sidewalk.

ESU's Admissions Center is a great hangar-like structure, lit up like an arena. The Beauneville students file in and take their seats in the balcony overlooking a stage in the center of the structure. There is a large banner that reads: ESU Spirit.

Suddenly, the arena darkens, and a single spotlight picks up an attractive young girl, who runs to one side of the stage, flings out her arms and shouts: "I'm Leslie and I have ESU Spirit!"

Another spotlight picks up a handsome young man, who runs to the other side of the stage, throws out his arms and shouts: "I'm Manfred and I have ESU Spirit!"

A young African-American girl runs onstage: "My name is Shabazza, and I have ESU Spirit!"

"My name is Jose, and I have ESU Spirit!"

Finally, a small band of young people wearing ESU sweatshirts runs on stage and forms a circle together with Leslie, Manfred, Shabazza and Jose, all facing out. On cue, they all drop to one knee, fling out their arms and shout: "We have ESU Spirit!"

Raucous recorded music breaks out, and several guns on stage shoot confetti into the crowd. A loud voice booms over the speakers: "Ladies and gentleman, at center stage, your ESU Admissions Host and Hostess, Dick Wood and Anna Crusis!"

Tumultuous applause breaks out as a young collegiate-looking man and young collegiate-looking woman make several laps around the circular stage, waving and smiling to all. As the applause dies down, they go to the center of the stage and perch perkily on high wooden stools.

"Isn't it great to be here, Anna?"

"It sure is, Dick!"

"And what a great bunch of students we have here today! C'mon, Anna, let's have a round of applause for all these fine students...". Anna claps wildly as the crowd breaks out into a fresh round of applause.

"We have a great program today, Dick!"

"Do we, Anna? Tell me about it!"

"Well, for starters, we have that wonderful film Aim for the Stars at ESU."

"Oh, I love that film. I feel like I'm in Hollywood!"

"Well, what are we waiting for, let's roll it!"

"Okay! But first, everyone check to make sure that your cellphones and other devices are on 'vibrate'. And remember that there is no smoking anywhere on ESU campus. Also, if you are physically, emotionally or mentally disabled, blind, hearing impaired or not tall enough to see over the people sitting in front of you, ESU is required by law to accommodate your special needs. The special needs half of the arena is on my left, normal people on my right".

There is a huge hubbub as everyone in the arena gets up to change seats. Dick shouts over the bedlam: "SPECIAL NEEDS TO MY LEFT, NORMAL PEOPLE TO MY RIGHT!"

Finally, the crowd settles, the lights dim, and a film showing a group of ethnically mixed young people in ESU shirts standing on a mountain appears on the enormous screen. The young people look up, their faces bathed in moonlight, as they point upward towards the stars...

Room Check

Friday, ten o'clock in the evening: it's time for Miss Agassiz to do room check at the Hilton Garden in Lake City.

Roderick answers her knock at Room 301. He's in his pajamas. Behind him, in the Queen-sized bed, Miss Agassiz can see Molly cuddled under the covers.

"Everything okay here?" queries Miss Agassiz.

"Yep" says Roderick. Miss Agassiz checks two boxes on her clipboard and departs. When the door slams shut, Roderick sheds his pajamas and joins Molly.

Across the hall, in Room 302, Miss Agassiz checks on Henry and Natasha. Henry answers her knock. "She's in the bathroom", he says, when Miss Agassiz wonders about Natasha's whereabouts.

Miss Agassiz hears the sound of puking, and checks two boxes. "Miserable KulturPunks" she mutters, as Henry slams the door.

Room 303: Betsy Flapper's entourage. Betsy has occupied the bed, while members of her entourage sleep on the floor. Miss Agassiz counts heads and moves on.

The next room is 304, occupied by Donny Clapper and his entourage; they have converted it to a total party hell-hole, complete with wrecked furniture and vomit everywhere. Donny answers the door. "Everything okay here?" asks Miss Agassiz.

Donny leans close and whispers: "Sure, Renee, baby, come on in so me and my buddies can satisfy your latent need for group sex."

Miss Agassiz grabs Donny by the hair and forces him to kneel. "Kiss my boot, worm!"

"Hey, I was only kidding! Ow!", protests Donny.

"Kiss my boot." Donny does so. She releases him. "And it's Mistress Rene to you, worm." She counts heads and leaves.

Donny rubs his head and mutters to his entourage: "See, I told you she would like it."

Megan Cupcake rooms with Bibi in Room 305. Miss Agassiz knocks. Bibi answers, nude, and invites her inside with a gesture. "You like ze sex viz ze girls, ya?"

Miss Agassiz pauses. It's tempting, but she has plans this evening. "Where's Cupcake?"

Bibi gestures to the bathroom. Miss Agassiz can hear gargling. Bibi whispers: "ve chust had ze, you know, ze sex viz ze mouths". Miss Agassiz nods, checks two boxes and moves on.

Everything is okay in the next several rooms.

Room 319. Miss Agassiz checks her roster: it's the nerd and the slut. She knocks. No response. She listens at the door, and hears thumping and rustling. She checks two boxes and moves on.

Martha Blick answers at Room 320. She wears a flannel nightgown that covers her body from neck to ankle. Miss Agassiz inquires about Jock's wherabouts. "He's in there". Martha gestures nervously toward the bathroom. "Miss Agassiz, can I stay with you tonight? I'm so afraid he's going to rape me".

Miss Agassiz shakes her head. "Sorry, no room. And stop whining. He's not likely to rape you, and if he does just relax, it won't hurt so much."

At this moment, Jock strides naked from the bathroom. "Hey, ladies, you like ze penis, ya?" He points to his ample endowment. Martha cringes. Miss Agassiz checks two boxes and slams the door.

Finally, she thinks, inserting the key into the lock of her own room and entering. Dirk Feelgood, her chosen roommate, rises to meet her. She embraces him; they share a passionate kiss. She looks at him, fingering his ample chest. "And how is the teacher's pet this evening?"

Dirk places his left hand on her right shoulder and holds her at arms length. "I was thinking...", he murmurs, pushing her backwards toward the large bed, "...of a little role reversal this evening". And as the clock approached midnight, Mistress Rene was transformed into a helpless love slave.

The Information Session

The bus arrived at the University of Lake City just in time for the Admissions Information Session. The driver pulled into the lot, where Miss Agassiz, dressed in a colorful Hermes blouse, tight black miniskirt and black leather boots, awaited. Impatiently, she beckoned to the students to hurry; they filed off the bus, across the parking lot, down a tree-lined path to a large ivy-covered building. Inside, young men and women wearing green blazers directed traffic, herding students into a huge auditorium packed with prospective applicants.

Roderick paused at a table to review literature, and selected a glossy brochure entitled University of Lake City: Where You Can Be An Individual. One of the blazered hosts prodded him to move on.

The Beauneville Latin students took their seats just as the lights dimmed. A young man wearing a suit strode onstage and stood at the podium.

"Good afternoon students, my name is Dr. Cognoscenti, and I'm the Director of Admissions here at University of Lake City, or ULC as we like to call ourselves. Um..show of hands, please...how many of you are seniors? Good. Juniors? Very good. Sophomores? Well, well. Um..anyone here younger than sophomore? Well, bless my heart, aren't you ambitious!.

"Okay, now how many of you have taken the SAT?" About half the attendees raised a hand. "And how many of you scored in the top percentile?" Some of the students put their hands down.

Dr. Cognoscenti took a sip of water. "Now, a brief demonstration. There are five hundred of you in this auditorium. I want you to suppose that all of you apply for admission to ULC. The hosts and hostesses have just passed out a sealed envelope...does everyone have an envelope?" There was some hubbub in the crowd as the hosts handed out the remaining envelopes.

"Okay, now some of the envelopes have a green card and some have a red card. Open your envelopes now. If you have a green card, come on up here to the stage and stand with me."

Bedlam broke out as members of the audience ripped open their envelopes. Some girls squealed and jumped up and down. Some guys did fist pumps. From all over the auditorium, a few students made their way down the rows to the aisles, then ran up on stage. A group of twenty-five students, including Megan Cupcake and another girl from Beauneville Latin gathered on stage behind Dr. Cognoscenti.

Dr. Cognoscenti turned to the group gathered on stage. "I have good news for you. You're admitted to ULC!" He broke into applause, as did the entire audience.

One of the girls on stage flushed. "Really?"

"No" hissed Dr. Cognoscenti. "It's a demonstration."

He turned back to the lectern. "And the rest of you..."

One of the boys on stage shouted out "Losers!" and the crowd roared with laughter.

"So there it is, folks", said Dr. Cognoscenti. "ULC is extremely selective. We make you jump through hoops in the admissions process -- because we can -- but your actual odds of admission are really too low to contemplate."

A girl in the audience stood and raised her hand. "Do you accept the Common Application?"

Dr. Cognoscenti, who was in mid-sip, sprayed it back out. "The Common Application? The Common Application? We? ULC? Accept the Common Application?" The girl sat down again.

A boy stood with a question. "Are there resources for students who need a little help with the academics?"

"No". Dr. Cognoscenti looked for more questions.

An Asian girl inquired about the factors that go into admissions decisions. "We look at the whole student, and try to get to know who you really are, and whether or not the ULC family would best suit your needs."

He paused. "Oh, who am I kidding? It's a numbers game, kids. We don't have time to read your essays, high school grades and teacher recommendations aren't worth crap anymore, so we just take the applicants with the highest SAT scores and go home early."

"One more question, please."

A boy in the back stands up. "What about Financial Aid?"

Dr. Cognoscenti frowns. "Jesus Christ, kiddo, we spend a fortune on our website and brochures and here you are asking a dumb-ass question like that. What d'ya think? Our tuition and fees are incredibly expensive, we will make your parents fill out impossibly complex forms, then make you borrow so much you will be working to pay it off for years."

He waved. "Thank you".

The green-blazered hosts and hostesses surged forward, herding the crowd to the exits as the next group waited by the doors. Outside, Miss Agassiz waved a rolled-up newspaper. "Latins! Latins! Campus Tour!"

Megan was still slightly starstruck from her brief moment of fame in the auditorium, though she could not decide for the moment if she would rather snuggle up with Roderick or snuggle up with Bibi. No matter. The day was young. She checked her Glock.

The Field Trip

When Roderick and Molly arrived at Beauneville Latin on Friday morning, a large white bus waited in the parking lot. They stowed their gear in the baggage compartment, then stepped up into the bus.

Betsy Flapper and her entourage had occupied the first few rows, followed by Donny Clapper and his entourage. Roderick and Molly found a pair of seats around the middle of the bus and snuggled in. As they did so, Molly noodged Roderick. He could tell she was feeling smoochy. Nice. Smooching all the way to Lake City is much better than watching TV or singing 'ninety-nine bottles...'.

Dickie Wickett took his place in the back of the bus. Katie Zeppelin arrived shortly afterwards. Stepping into the bus, she noticed a few empty seats scattered amongst Betsy Flapper's entourage. Betsy and her friends need extra space for their iPods, iPhones, iPads, and other Apple merchandise.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?" asked Katie, pointing to one of the empty seats.

Betsy, who was chatting with members of her entourage looked up suddenly, as if she just realized Katie was standing nearby. Her entourage giggled.

"Um..yeah, that seat is taken" said Betsy, disdainfully.

"How about that one?". Katie pointed to a different seat in the next row.

Betsy looked at her entourage. They burst out laughing.

"Oh, yeah, that seat's taken, too. They're all taken, except wayyyyyyyyyyy back there with the nerd." Betsy pointed to Dickie.

Katie got the message and trudged to the back of the bus. "Slut!" muttered one of Betsy's friends.

A junior member of the entourage whispered to another: "Aren't we sluts, too?"

"We're fake sluts. She's an actual slut. There's a difference."

Miss Agassiz boarded the bus, took the role, then reminded students of the basic rules of field trips: be discreet and don't do anything to make the bus driver crash. With that she dismounted the bus, walked quickly over to her spotless jet black Porsche Boxster, revved the engine and peeled out of the parking lot ahead of the bus.

Roderick and Molly settled in for the longish ride.

Toward the front of the bus, someone began to sing 'ninety-nine bottles of beer' and was immediately throttled.

In the rear of the bus, Dickie Wickett bravely struck up a conversation with Katie Zeppelin. At first, she was put off by Dickie's nerdy exterior, but she soon discovered that underneath that nerdy shell there lay a nerdy interior. Above all, Dickie and Katie shared a passion for retail.

Dickie offered to build a website for Zeppelin Drug, helpfully pointing out that the store could tap into a market of high school students seeking to purchase condoms without those embarrassing moments at the cash register. This inspired Katie to tell Dickie about some of those moments from her perspective behind the cash register, including people who bought hemorrhoid treatments and bottled enemas as well as treatments for crab lice and yeast infections.

The animated whisperings from Katie and Dickie drew the attention of others sitting nearby, who wanted in on the gossip. Katie retold her stories for the expanded audience, with a few embellishments, and the buzz attracted attention from more students. The hive in the rear of the bus grew.

In the front of the bus, Betsy Flapper surfed contentedly on her iPad, not knowing that in the rear of the bus the details of her vaginal bacteria count -- the presence and absence thereof -- were the subject of great amusement to a growing crowd of her peers.

Roderick and Molly ignored the hubbub and remained curled together in their double seat.

The Zemlinskys Are Home

Mr. and Mrs. Zemlinsky arrived home last night after an extended summer cruise through the Mediterranean, September in Rome and several quick trips to Singapore, London, Paris, Beijing and a quickie vacation in Majorca. Natasha was completely surprised by their arrival -- in the absence of cards, email or calls, she had assumed they were gone for good. She rushed to hug her mother.

Mrs. Zemlinsky permitted a brief hug, then held Natasha at arms length. "Getting pudgy again, aren't we dear? Must we put you in restraints?" Mrs. Zemlinsky does not actually intend to put Natasha in restraints, she simply has an edgy sense of humor.

"Um...Mom..."

"Yakkity yak yak. Zip it up, dear, and run along until tomorrow, I think your father wants to fuck me or something."

In the morning, Natasha approaches her mother, who is sitting at her desk banging away on a laptop.

"Mom, I'm pregnant".

Mrs. Zemlinsky does not look up from her work. "Dr. Hoover, dear, you know the drill. Remember to ask for a therapeutic flush, not an abortion. That's for the insurance. Put the copayment on your credit card. Talk to you father if you need a credit line increase."

"Mom, I'm having the baby".

Mrs. Zemlinsky continues working. "Now, dear, that's the depression talking. Have you discussed this with Dr. Adler?"

"I stopped seeing Dr. Adler in August, when I came out as a KulturPunk. I'm having Henry's baby! And if it's a boy, we will name him Felix! And if it;s a girl we will name her Fanny!"

Mrs. Zemlinsky stops typing, pulls off her glasses and glares at Natasha. "Damn!", she exclaims, flinging her glasses to the desk. "Can't your father and I go away for a teensie little vacation without you acting out your little teen drama? Albert! Your daughter is off her meds again and she's running around with Felix again!"

"Felix? I thought he was back in San Jose?"

"No, he's here and he knocked up your daughter! Call Dr. Adler and see if he can get a room at the Greenwood!"

"You call him! I'm busy! She's your daughter! And let her have the damn baby!"

Mrs. Zemlinsky exhaled, and decided to try a different approach. "Why would you want to have a baby? Babies are squalling messy things that have to be diapered and fed all the time. And it takes forever to get your figure back."

Natasha is ardent. "Because I love Henry, and it's Henry's baby, and the baby will be our love child, and having a baby is an act of loving love."

Mrs. Zemlinsky repeats the question. "Why would you want to have a baby? Babies are squalling messy things that have to be diapered and fed all the time. And it takes forever to get your figure back."

"You had me", says Natasha, defiantly.

"Yes, and it was hell. All that pushing. And afterwards your wetnurse was constantly interrupting: 'You hold baby, Mrs. Zemlinsky?'; 'Baby cry for you, Mrs. Zemlinsky!'. Yada yada yada. I couldn't get a stitch of work done for three days."

Natasha looks wistful. "My nurse, Graciella...I remember her...she played with me, and walked me to school, and met me after school. I wonder what happened to her?"

Mrs. Zemlinsky does not respond. She is typing again.

Meanwhile, at Miss Agassiz's house, Mary Bloom polishes the car with a soft cloth.

Room Assignments

At precisely six on Wednesday morning, a message appears on Mary Bloom's iPhone. It's a robo-mail from Dickie Wickett reminding her to wear underwear today. Mary's phone does not vibrate because she remembered to shut it off before bed last night.

Mary is exhausted this morning. Yesterday, when she went to see Miss Agassiz, she expected a simple punishment, humiliating but quick. Instead, she was ordered to wash Miss Agassiz's jet-black Porsche Boxster with a sponge and bucket while Miss Agassiz stood over her and demanded she work faster. When she finished the job, Miss Agassiz donned white gloves and inspected the car minutely. Finding a smudge, she demanded Mary repeat the job from stem to stern.

Then, when the job was finished, Miss Agassiz punished her for taking so long. "These are the new rules, Miss Bloom", she whispered tersely as Mary awaited punishment. "You are now responsible to keep my car spotless at all times."

"Yes, Mistress Rene" murmured Mary.

After all that, she had to go to Roderick's house to ask him to write a History essay for her. It was terribly exhausting to watch him work.

Miss Agassiz rises early on Wednesday morning, showers, admires herself in the mirror briefly, chooses an Hermes blouse to wear with her tight black miniskirt and sits down at the kitchen table with a pile of permission slips for the field trips. She wants to post room assignments today, and needs to work quickly.

The first several are easy. Molly wants to room with Roderick, Roderick wants to room with Molly. Done. Roderick's a good kid, she thinks. She's not so sure about Molly. Her sister's incorrigible.

Henry wants to room with Natasha, Natasha wants room with Henry. Done. Not sure what he sees in her. She's getting fat and throws up a lot.

Betsy Flapper wants to room with her entourage. OK. Too many for one room, but some of them can sleep on the floor. Same with Donny Clapper and his entourage.

Bibi wants to room with Megan. Megan wants to room with Roderick. Problem. Roderick's already assigned, so put the lesbians together. Maybe I'll pay them a visit and catch them doing something naughty.

Martha Blick writes a note on her permission slip:

Please put me in a room with a girl because I'm shy with boys and don't have brothers or anything like that and I'm afraid that if I room with a boy I will be embarrassed and humiliated because my breasts aren't very big yet.

Miss Agassiz draws a big red "x" through the note and writes GENDER DISCRIMINATION in big block letters. Time to grow up, sister she snorts. Martha will room with Jock Ericson.

Dickie Wickett wants to room with Katie Zeppelin. Katie wants to room with one of the cool girls. Miss Agassiz snorts. She'll be lucky if the girls let her on the bus. Stick the slut with the nerd.

She finishes the rest quickly, stacks the slips, grabs her briefcase and walks to the car. Pausing briefly, she inspects the finish. Examining the left front fender, she frowns. A smudge. A certain someone needs a little motivation.

Certain Things

At precisely six on Tuesday morning, Mary Bloom's iPhone vibrates. It's a robo-mail from Dickie Wickett reminding her to wear underwear today. Mary considered piping mail from Dickie into "Junk", but on reflection decided not to do so; she might miss something lucrative.

Meanwhile, on Dogwood Avenue a few blocks away, pert and perky Katie Zeppelin awakes, opens her laptop and logs in to Facebook. There are a number of interesting messages waiting.

In the house next door, Dickie Wickett also browses Facebook. In the upper right-hand corner of his screen, under People You May Know, he sees Katie's picture. It's a very nice picture, very flattering, and it conveys her pert and perky personality.

Dickie pauses, thinking she never gives me the time of day, then shrugs and clicks Add As Friend. A little box opens and Facebook prompts Add Katie Zeppelin As Friend? Dickie hesitates, then thinks nothing ventured, nothing gained, and clicks Send Request.

He exhales, and wonders if Katie will respond.

Something attracts his attention. It's the little indicator at the top left of his screen, which now shows that a notification awaits. He clicks and reads the notice: Katie Zeppelin accepted your friend request.

"Yes!" he squeals, fist-pumping. "Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" He believes that sexual relations will soon follow.

At morning sign-in, Katie checks Facebook on her iPad. She has a number of interesting messages waiting, which she browses. Sarah Flapper and her entourage are nearby, and they start giggling. Amanda Dennis scribbles something in her notebook. Katie, suddenly aware of the attention, looks up. "What?"

In Latin class, Mr. Horace hands Katie a note. It's from Mrs. Feelgood, the school counselor:

Katie,

Please come see me at lunchtime.

Mrs. Feelgood

Katie folds the note and wonders what it's about. She notices Becky and her entourage giggling again.

Meanwhile, Mary Bloom sits awkwardly in Miss Agassiz's study hall. The room is quite noisy as her classmates chat, throw things and carry on. Mary sits quietly and completes a Science worksheet. Every few minutes Miss Agassiz paces past and pauses to correct some minor detail on the worksheet. Towards the end of the hour, she plasters a bright yellow Post-It square in the middle of the sheet with the note See Me After School! Mary feigns fear and loathing, but smiles when Miss Agassiz moves on.

After Latin class, Katie walks down the hall with Roderick and Megan. Roderick is about to invite her to join them for lunch -- he thinks it would be nice to get to know Katie -- but she pauses at the door to Mrs. Feelgood's office. "I have to go see her", she says, gesturing to the office. She waves to Roderick, who waves back.

Megan giggles. When Katie is out of sight, she whispers, "She can't say 'no'". The irony of the comment is lost on her, as in the thrall of gossip she has neglected to consider her own limited ability to defer gratification, at least so far as sex is concerned.

"Really?", says Roderick. He doesn't think that's such a bad thing. He really must get to know Katie a little better.

Mrs. Feelgood greets Katie warmly and invites her to sit in a comfy chair. There is a box of tissues on the coffee table.

Katie sits on the edge of the chair. "Why did you want to see me, Mrs. Feelgood?"

Mrs. Feelgood sits in another comfy chair close to Katie's chair and leans forward. "Now you know that this talk is just between us, right? Nothing goes beyond these walls." Mrs. Feelgood really means this, though she does take the tapes home for transcribing and her son, Dirk, likes to listen to them for fun.

"Um..yes?"

"So let's just talk woman to woman, okay?"

"Um...OK."

"Now you know that if a boy asks you to do...certain things...it's okay to say 'no'."

Katie nods, but she's not sure where this is going.

"You don't have to do...certain things...just so the boys will think you're 'A-OK'."

Katie nods.

"And you know that if you're a little too easy about...certain things...the boys won't respect you."

Again, Katie nods. She has an idea where this is going.

"You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to but...you know how girls are, they talk, and well...some of them say that you are just a teensy bit casual about accepting Facebook "friend" requests from people you don't know."

Katie sucks in her breath. There it is, out in the open, the mask ripped off her dark and dirty secret. Her eyes tear up, and she looks down in shame.

"And, well, girls can be awfully mean sometimes but...I know this is awkward...they say that sometimes you send friend requests to people Facebook says you might know even though...you don't really know them."

It's true, of course. Katie is a Facebook Slut.

Katie lashes out angrily. "What's wrong with that? I just want to live my life with love, and passion, and to exchange secret comments and "likes" with strangers, because they make me feel good, and it's exciting, and it's so much better than..." she gestures around her in frustration, "...all this."

Mrs. Feelgood gazes at Katie as she ventilates, beaming her characteristic unconditional warmth, love and empathy while simultaneously noting the deep and empty cravings in her stomach, as she skipped breakfast this morning and desperately wants a bacon double cheeseburger with all the fixin's and steak fries -- the hand-cut kind -- from the Red Trolley, only she has to be back at school by one and this kid won't shut up. Furtively, she glances at the clock.

"We have to stop now", she says kindly, "but why don't you come back next week at this same time? And try to remember that it's okay for you to be you and for me to be me. And here's something for you to read in your spare time." She handed Katie a book titled When I Say Yes, It Really Means Go Fuck Yourself.

Katie steps furtively into the hallway, hoping nobody sees her with her eyes red and puffy. Of course, Betsy and her entourage are standing directly by the door. They point and giggle. Katie ignores them, turns, and with her head held high, strides toward the picnic tables. Meanwhile, Mrs. Feelgood makes a beeline for the parking lot.

Outside, Katie bites into her sandwich and fires up the iPad. There are sixteen new friend acceptances, and twelve new friend requests. Good, she thinks. Enough chit-chat. Time to get busy.

She checks her NewsFeed. There are hundreds of updates from Dickie Wickett. She clicks Hide.

After school, Mary Bloom nervously knocks on Miss Agassiz's door. Miss Agassiz, it seems, wants to discuss...certain things.

Monday

There is an exciting announcement at morning sign-in today. Miss Agassiz, a graduate of the University of Lake City, has organized an overnight field trip to ULC for the junior class. On Friday, students will travel to Lake City, tour the campus, listen to an Admissions counselor, and do some fun things on campus. On Saturday, they will attend a football game -- the ULC Quants will host the Enormous State University Bulldozers -- after which the class will return to Beauneville.

"Wow!" says Roderick, reading the announcement. He noodges Molly. "Look at this."

Molly reads the announcement and shrugs. She's thinking about the second of the Six Bagatelles, Opus 126, the one in G Minor. She's working on the piece currently, and it's catchy.

"I wonder how they're going to figure out who sleeps with whom?"

Molly stops thinking about the bagatelle. She thinks it would be fine to sleep with Roderick or Natasha, but Megan might be problematic. Definitely not Donny Clapper.

On field trips, the faculty of Beauneville Latin do not closely supervise the students, because the youth of Beauneville are very responsible and do not drink alcoholic beverages or engage in premarital sex.

That's not entirely true. The youth of Beauneville are smart, and they know that open challenges to adult authority are fruitless and a waste of time. And so, the youth of Beauneville are discreet about drinking and sex.

The faculty, in turn, understand that tight supervision of teen behavior is exhausting and fruitless.

As a result, there is a social contract: students avoid open and flagrant violations of rules, and in turn the faculty do not closely examine what takes place after dark and behind closed doors.

To sign up for the field trip, students submit a form listing roommate preferences. There is a line at the bottom of the form, where students need to put something that looks like a parent signature.

Meanwhile, Betsy Flapper has heard some juicy gossip she can't wait to share. The members of her entourage are already "in the know". Betsy pulls Amanda Dennis aside and whispers something.

Amanda's eyes widen like dinner plates. Her jaw drops. She scribbles furously in her notebook, opens her laptop, logs in to Cries and Whispers and writes:

What pert and perky vixen has a dark secret?
Amanda knows all.

Betsy creeps across the room, whispering to each youth in turn. Reactions range from stunned silence to laughter to an astonished "No!" from Megan Cupcake, whose rumored loose bisexualism pales in salaciousness to this latest news.

Katie Zeppelin arrives, and the room falls silent. She looks around. "What?" she asks.

Talk resumes, nervously, with furtive glances directed towards Katie. Betsy and her entourage giggle and cover their mouths.

Megan stands closest to Katie. "What's going on?", asks Katie.

"Oh, uh...nothing", says Megan, doing her best to appear nonchalant.

Katie turns to Amanda. "Did I miss something?"

"Oh!", says Amanda. "I certainly don't think so". Several students standing near Amanda crack up when they hear this.

Perplexed, Katie approaches Roderick, who is genuinely out of the loop -- he's on Betsy's D-list. "Hi, Roderick", says Katie, hopefully.

"Hi", says Roderick. He likes Katie, because she is pert and perky, and also because she does this cute thing with her hair where it's tied in one braid over her right shoulder.

"Do you know what's going on?" asks Katie.

"Um...no. I mean, I'm not sure, what do you mean?". Roderick is both out of the loop and unobservant of the chemistry in the room. Prior to Katie's entry he was looking at Megan and thinking it would be nice to see her naked again.

Molly noodges him. She knows, or thinks she knows; she heard the news from Mary, who heard it from a friend of a friend of a friend who knows the sister of a girl in Betsy's entourage. Something about how Katie is the biggest slut in the history of world sluttiness, the slut of all sluts, with hundreds of conquests under her belt, or under her pants, as the case may be.

After school, Molly and Roderick do homework together in Roderick's dining room. Molly shares what she heard about Katie.

"Katie Zeppelin?" Roderick is surprised to hear this news. Katie is so pert and perky, not the slutty type, like Betsy. Still, he's intrigued. Perhaps he should spend more time with Katie.

Meanwhile, at the Zeppelin home on Dogwood, Katie logs in to Facebook. Some interesting messages await.

PSAT

Beauneville Latin students who wish to take the PSAT must do so at Washington County Regional Consolidated High School. The official name of the school is the Honorable Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Regional Consolidated High School of Washington County.

Not surprisingly, the school is named for the Honorable Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr., who represents the region in Congress and sits as a senior member on the House Appropriations Committee. The school shares the appellation with the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Federal Building, the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. County Services Building, the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Advanced Research Center and the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Community College, admission to which is the immediate goal of most students of the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Regional Consolidated High School.

The Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Regional Consolidated High School occupies a vast new building on Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Boulevard, just past the eponymous Federal Building, County Services Building and Advanced Research Center. The school stands on the site of the Stapleton Mansion, a fine example of neo-Gothic architecture built in 1868 that was demolished by mistake. (A legislative aide to Representative Butz accidentally inserted the word demolition instead of preservation into the text of an earmark during a late-night reconciliation session).

If you keep going on Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Boulevard, you get to Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Community College, which occupies a vast new campus. After that, there is nothing, the boulevard ends in an apple orchard.

Ellmore Bigelow Butz, Jr. is the eldest son of State Senator Ellmore Bigelow Butz Sr., who represented the region in the legislature for more than fifty years. To avoid confusion with his father, most people address him by his middle name, but close friends just call him "Big".

Citizens of Stapleton revere Congressman Butz for his unique ability to earmark legislation and steer Federal funds to the city, without which the place would have no raison d'etre. His earmarking skills are so renowned that the Butz Community College now offers a "Public Policy" major, in which students learn the ins and outs of lobbying, influence peddling, vote buying, logrolling and earmarking. Enrollment is brisk.

Butz plans to retire at the end of his current term, which poses a succession problem. His son, Ellmore Bigelow Butz III is developmentally disabled, and resides at the Ellmore Bigelow Butz Jr. Center for the Developmentally Disabled, which is on Butz Boulevard across from the high school. His daughter, Ellen Bigelow Butz, who currently represents the region in the state legislature, proposes to run for the seat.

But we digress.

Mr. Smith drives Roderick and Molly to Butz High on Saturday morning. Roderick feels nonchalant about the PSAT because he plans to attend Old Ivy College, which has an "SAT optional" policy.

Actually, "SAT optional" mischaracterizes Old Ivy's policy toward the SAT. The Admissions department at Old Ivy, which consists primarily of Peter Zinmeister, Emeritus Professor of Philosophy and Master of the Keys, generally ignores the SAT altogether. As a rule, Mr. Zinmeister sweeps score reports directly from his inbox to his trash. If he's feeling grumpy, he may reject an applicant who submits a test score, purely on the grounds that the applicant clearly does not understand Old Ivy.

But grumpy days are rare. The general rule is that Old Ivy admits all who apply and are able to pay tuition and fees.

Tuition and fees at Old Ivy are remarkably low due to the absence of fancy new buildings, varsity sports, media resource centers, celebrity-quality fitness centers or centers for research into fashionable but unfunded topics. Students reduce the cost of room and board by assisting with the cleaning and cooking. This practice has the added benefit that graduates learn useful skills, such as cleaning toilets and making cheap, nutritious food in large quantities.

Students who feel they cannot afford the tuition and fees can speak with Old Ivy's Financial Aid counselor, a role currently filled by the ubiquitous Mr. Zinmeister. Mr. Zinmeister's most common advice is for the student to "ask Grandma and Grandpa for help", but he also has a Rolodex of alumni who are sometimes persuaded to provide "special assistance" to students they deem deserving. Old Ivy College does not scrutinize these transactions closely, but Mr. Zinmeister has noticed that attractive female students appear to receive more alumni assistance than their less attractive peers.

Given the open admissions policy and low tuition and fees, one might think that Old Ivy is flooded with applicants. But this is not the case. Many prospective students turn away when they discover, on visiting the campus, that Old Ivy lacks fancy new buildings, varsity sports, media resource centers, celebrity-quality fitness centers or centers for research into fashionable but unfunded topics. Others are offended by the prospect of cleaning toilets or helping in the kitchen.

Worst of all, many prospective applicants to Old Ivy are shocked and horrified to learn that the college requires students to study, learn and pass examinations to graduate. Lacking a background in such activities, most students visiting the campus shudder, turn away and text their friends to advise avoiding the place.

Not so for students of Beauneville Latin, who are generally well prepared for colleges such as Old Ivy. Moreover, many of the Moms and Dads of Beauneville attended the place so matriculation is, well, expected.

Betsy Flapper, on the other hand, is quite well prepared for the PSAT. She has taken the exam twice already, attended two separate prep classes and read several books on "How To Beat The PSAT". She hopes that with all the preparation she will finally break out above the national median. Betsy does not plan to attend Old Ivy. She had a number of concerns about the place before attending, but the final straw was when she asked about WiFi in the Coffee Bar and was told that Old Ivy has no Coffee Bar.

Roderick and Molly walk through vast long corridors of the school, past pep rally posters (Go Butz!) to the cafeteria, where the PSAT will be administered.

Meanwhile, Mary Bloom sits in Mrs. Peabody's sunroom, leafing through the Old Ivy alumni magazine. She would like to get an early start on her Financial Aid application.

Classic Nice Clothing

Precisely at six in the morning on Friday, Mary Bloom's iPhone vibrates. It's a message from Dickie's robo-mail reminding Mary to wear underwear today.

Mary looks at the message. Nice, she thinks, though a little odd. She smiles.

Dickie's father owns Wickett's Bazaar, online purveyors of classic nice clothing and other unremarkable stuff. His grandfather owned the store before that, and his great-grandfather and great-great-grandfather, who opened the store in Stapleton the day President Garfield was shot.

Back in those days, there was an actual store, not just a website, and what a grand store it was! Major Wickett modeled the Bazaar after the Topkapi Palace, or at least his conception of the Topkapi Palace, complete with an enormous wooden elephant named Jumbo. Citizens of Washington County did not mind that the real Topkapi Palace lacks an enormous wooden elephant, and thronged the store anyway.

Major Wickett's retailing philosophy was simple and straightforward: "Our merchandise is unremarkable, but we have lots of it." Wickett's Bazaar soon became the favorite place to go for shoppers who wanted ordinary stuff, or who were just bored, since a tour of Jumbo's belly was most stimulating.

For fifty years, Wickett's Bazaar thrived as the leading retail outlet in Stapleton, primarily because with the exception of Aunt Gertrude's General Store on Pickwood Avenue and a number of brothels it was the only retail outlet in Stapleton. During the Great Depression, however, sales declined considerably, and customers began to notice a general shabbiness about the store. Jumbo's trunk began to droop -- termites were suspected -- and on the night of January 13, 1933 an enormous fire leveled the place, leaving little other than a heap of ashes. Jumbo was not spared.

Dickie's grandfather collected an enormous fire insurance settlement. Some suspected that he was not unhappy about the fire, but arson was not proven. Instead of rebuilding the store, Mr. Wickett invested the proceeds and converted the store to a catalogue operation, which he moved to Beauneville. The Beauneville Electric had recently gone out of business; the lone trolley stood abandoned on Railroad Avenue (where the Red Trolley Diner now stands), and Mr. Wickett picked up the old carbarn for a song. Here, he set up the catalogue operation, leveraging the speed and convenience of third-class mail and Parcel Post, delivering unremarkable items to customers across the nation but mostly in Washington County.

The fourth Mr. Wickett -- Dickie's dad -- had the foresight to convert to web operations a decade ago. Thanks to outsourced sweat shops in China, the company employs a total of seventeen people, which is quite remarkable given the volume of business done. Dickie isn't included among those seventeen employees, but Wickett's high search engine ranking is a credit to his efforts (plus a large network of spam blogs).

Wickett's Bazaar is the biggest account for Mr. Bloom's advertising agency. He's working on a tagline for the new youth-oriented line, something catchier than "classic nice clothing and other unremarkable items" and "stuff Mom and Dad want you to wear".

At breakfast, Mr. Bloom chats about his meeting this afternoon with Mr. Wickett. "Girls, what do you think of this?" On a piece of white paper, he writes Wickett's, WTF? and displays his idea for all to see.

"Meh", says Molly.

"It's not polite to swear", says Mary.

"What's WTF?", shouts Catherine. As the youngest of four, Catherine is accustomed to being ignored, so she generally converses with great energy. Margaret, the quiet daughter, whispers something in her ear. Catherine looks puzzled. "Mr. Fuzzums still doesn't understand!" She holds up Mr. Fuzzums so all can see his lack of comprehension.

"How can Wickett's reach today's youth? You know, kids like you", asks Mr. Bloom.

"Beethoven themed merchandise" says Molly.

"Nice schoolgirl clothing" says Mary.

Margaret remains silent.

"Mr. Fuzzums says he just wants a nice hug!" shouts Catherine, holding Mr. Fuzzums aloft so all can see his need for a hug.

Mr. Bloom writes all this down. He's going with Wickett's, WTF?

That evening, the Smiths and Blooms gather for the customary Friday night dinner at the Red Trolley Diner. Peaches is the waitress tonight, which pleases everyone. Given the choice of Bella or Peaches, most diners choose Peaches.

Mr. Bloom chats about his meeting with Mr. Wickett. "So I pitched Wickett's, WTF? to Wickett and he liked it. We roll out the new campaign next month."

"That's nice, dear", says Mrs. Bloom, which is code for "Please stop talking about work at dinner, we're not that interested."

Mr. Bloom gets the message. "Are you ready for the PSAT tomorrow?" he asks Roderick and Molly who, per usual, are squeezed together on the big bench. Beneath the table, out of sight, Roderick's hand rests on Molly's leg just above her knee, and Molly's hand rests on Roderick's. On the other side of Roderick, Mary, dressed in a blouse, plaid skirt, woolen knee socks, penny loafers and nothing else presses her knees together tightly.

Roderick shrugs. "Yes, I guess so".

Molly just smiles.

The PSAT is tomorrow, so there will be no "bowling party" tonight for Roderick and Molly. Actually, that's not entirely true. Roderick and Molly are quite nonchalant about the PSAT, for reasons that shall be revealed to the reader at an appropriate time, but "studying for the PSAT" is a perfectly fine reason to snuggle and smooch in Roderick's bed and sleep over. Not that an excuse is required, of course.

Thursday

Today, Mr. Smith visits Beauneville Latin to speak about money during Mr. Gibbon's History class.

At the beginning of class, Mr. Gibbon introduces him to the class: "Good morning, everyone. Today, we have something a little different. Many of you know Roderick's dad..", he gestures to Mr. Smith, "...and every year Mr. Smith is kind enough to come to school and talk about money with the junior class. So, on that note...Mr. Smith!"

There is polite applause. Roderick feels very proud, but hopes his Dad isn't compelled to do a shout-out.

Mr. Smith steps to the front of the room. "Thank you, Mr. Gibbon". He displays his first slide. It reads About Money. "Okay, class, show of hands, how many of you would like to have more money?"

All hands rise, except for Megan and Bibi, who are batting eyelashes at one another, and Molly, who is thinking about Beethoven's Serioso Quartet. She read in Wikipedia this morning that there is some doubt about exactly when Beethoven wrote the work; the autographed manuscript says October 1810, but the chemical composition of the manuscript paper differs from paper he was known to use at that time. She thinks this is really interesting and wishes she were in Vienna right now.

Mr. Smith displays his next slide. It says How to Have Money.

"There are three things you need to do if you want to have money", says Mr. Smith, warming up to his favorite subject. He holds up one finger. "First, earn as much as you can." He looks around to make sure his point is getting across. He holds up two fingers. "Second, save as much as you can". He pauses dramatically and waits to deliver his key point: "Finally, invest wisely.

"Thank you."

As Mr. Smith turns to leave, Mr. Gibbon steps to the front of the class. "Are there any questions for Mr. Smith?" There were none. Roderick considers asking about single-premium deferred annuities, and the advantages of fixed and variable SPDAs, but figures he can ask at dinner.

"Thank you, Mr. Smith. Please turn to the chapter in your texts on the Missouri Compromise." As the rest of the class pages through the History text, Dickie Wickett uses his Droid to send Mary a message:

B my date Hween Msqrd $250 OK?

Dickie figures a high starting bid will pre-empt competitors. He can afford it. His website, Hot Women of Beauneville Latin, gets more eyeballs than any other website in Beauneville. Thanks to his father's connections -- Mr. Wickett owns Wickett's Bazaar, purveyors of classic nice clothing and other unremarkable items -- Dickie is in line to be a Google Platinum Partner. On top of that, Dickie runs a network of spam blogs for his search clients, and consults to other companies on how to filter out spam blogs.

Mary feels her iPhone vibrate. It startles her, as she rarely gets calls in school. She looks at Dickie's message, but does not respond.

Later, during lunch, Mary just "happens" to walk past Donny and his entourage. Donny calls out to her in his customary smooth manner.

"Hey, uh, yo, Mary, um, how ya doin?"

Mary pauses. "Fine", she says, primly.

"Whatcha doin on Halloween?"

"I don't know yet. Are you inviting me out?"

Donny is flat broke. "Uh, no, I'm goin' to the Masquerade with Betsy".

Mary is slightly disappointed. She was hoping for another offer, to see if she could get Dickie up to three hundred. Without a word, she moves on. Spying Dickie sitting alone at a picnic table, eating his pickle sandwich. Carefully, she straddles the bench, holding the hem of her skirt.

Dickie pauses mid-sandwich. "Forget your underwear again?" He seems to have found the nerve to talk with Mary.

She leans forward conspiratorially, blushing. "Isn't that silly of me" she giggles, with her best 'I'm so stupid' impression.

"I can send you a reminder every morning", says Dickie, earnestly.

Mary beams at him. "Anyway, I got your message, and it's very nice of you to ask, but I was just talking to Donny, and he..."

"Two hundred seventy five", says Dickie.

"Okay" says Mary.

Meanwhile, buxom and bubbly Megan walks with Bibi, chatting. Roderick and Molly pass them, going in the opposite direction.

"Hi, Roderick", says Megan, waving.

Rain

It's a rainy Wednesday in Beauneville. Mr. Gibbon assigned the class to write something about the year 1812.

Roderick writes:

On June 1, 1812, James Madison asked Congress to declare war on Great Britain. Madison wanted to pump up war fever to ensure re-election, invade Canada, resolve the impressment issue and settle trade disputes, but mostly he wanted to pump up war fever.

Molly writes:

Beethoven wrote comparatively little in 1812, due to ill health and conflict with his brother. On advice of his physician, he spent the summer of 1812 at a spa in Teplitz in Bohemia, which is somewhere in Europe. In those days, doctors thought that going to spas would cure fevers, but now we just go to spas to relax and have a nice time. At Teplitz, Beethoven wrote three love letters to his "Immortal Beloved", who historians think was Antonie Brentano. Beethoven thought Antonie was really hot, but she wasn't about to mess around with him because he had no money and was smelly, but mostly because he had no money.

I realize that this has nothing to do with American History, the subject of this class, but I really like Beethoven, and if I were Antonie Brentano I might have dallied with him even if he did smell.

Megan writes:

Dolley Madison struggled against the velvet bands that secured her wrists to the stable wall. Her bodice fell slightly open, and her breasts heaved.

"Oh Chitterling!" she cried to the enormous black man who loomed over her. "You're so kinky!".

"Shut up, Miz Madison!", grunted Chitterling, slipping the gag through her teeth.

"Mmmmmmpf mmmmmpf mmmmmmmmmmmmpf!" cried Dolley.

Meanwhile, General Hull crossed the Detroit River and occupied the Canadian town of Sandwich, a town named after a common form of lunch. His poorly disciplined forces ravaged the town, and Canadian women -- who are generally hot -- ran screaming through the streets, their breasts heaving.

Bibi writes:

In 1812, the Swedes in America did little of note. Swedes in America were actually mostly Finns, because Sweden owned Finland. Swedes settled near Philadelphia built saunas and ran naked through the snow thrashing themselves with birch sticks until the Quakers put a stop to that because it was a kind of sex, which was forbidden by Quakers. Swedes also tried to make smelly fish, but Quakers put a stop to that, too. Now that the Quakers no longer rule, we Swedes can thrash ourselves naked and eat smelly fish whenever we want.

Betsy Flapper doesn't write anything, instead choosing to surf Facebook on her iPad. She will get someone in her entourage to write the paper.

Tuesday After

The day after the Apple Harvest Festival is always a quiet day in school, as everyone recovers from the exhausting events of the weekend.

The Harvest Dance was a great success. Blogs, Twitter and Facebook are all alight with buzz about Megan and Bibi, Jock and his girlfriend, and other noteworthy events.

Yesterday's Grand Apple Parade was great fun, too. As they do every year, the children of Beauneville led the way in their little apple costumes (representing all of the many lovely apple varieties grown in Washington County). The highlight of the parade was the great Apple Float, an enormous motorized apple; the Apple Harvest Queen stands in the top of the float and throws Beauneville Beauties to the spectators.

There was something new this year: a scrapple float, consisting of a great block of scrapple mounted on a pickup truck. The sponsors considered flinging scrapple to the crowd, but parade marshals vetoed this idea because it would be messy.

The parade wound its way to Beauneville Park, where the ladies of Beauneville presented apple desserts of all sorts: many kinds of apple pie, plus apple crisp, apple custard, apple brown betty, apple fluff, caramel apples, deep-fried apples, chocolate-covered apples and the most spectacular apple dessert of all, apples dipped in caramel and chocolate, then deep-fried.

The ladies made applesauce, too. Thousands of jars of the stuff, carefully labeled as to apple variety and vintage and offered for display on long, groaning tables. Each year, the denizens of Beauneville restock their pantries with jars of applesauce made by the women of Beauneville. The rules of the applesauce exchange are clear: give a jar, take a jar; Mrs. Fennel and Miss Lovelace stand by the table strictly enforcing the one-for-one rule. Experienced traders like Mrs. Smith have long since learned which ladies make the best applesauce, and which ladies are better suited to simpler tasks, such as boiling water.

The menfolk manned the barbecue pit and did not disappoint. There were great pork roasts, toasted over the hot coals; plus pork burgers, pork chops, many kinds of pork sausage and, of course, scrapple.

In the morning, Mary Bloom logs on and checks the latest rumors on Amanda Dennis' blog, Cries and Whispers:

What Jane Austen wannabe has eyes for the Swedish bombshell, among others?

What "virgin" is thought to have blown a Stapleton lad in the back seat of his Chevrolet?

What Beauneville Latin teacher is boffing one of his "special needs" students?

What budding pianist needs a cherry, because she lost hers?

What hottie has a rather dominating personality?

Amanda knows all.

Mary frowns. It wasn't a Chevrolet. And where does she get off calling me "special needs"?

Of course, Amanda is simply following the cardinal rule of journalism: when you don't have a story, make one up. Roderick and Molly, for example, neither fulfilled their pledge to one another nor violated it; Amanda saw them leave the dance early, put two and two together and came up with five.

Harvest Dance

It's the evening of the Harvest Dance, and the Blooms are in a bit of a tizzy. It's Mary's first date!

Well...Molly's not in a tizzy; she's playing etudes on the Bosendorfer. Molly plans to walk over to Roderick's house and meet him there; they will go to the dance, stay for awhile, then leave and smooch somewhere. Who knows? Perhaps tonight they will fulfill that certain pledge they have with one another. Maybe not. Either way, Molly figures she will sleep at Roderick's tonight.

Donny Clapper arrives punctually, at seven, in his "muscle" car. Actually, it's a VW Cabriolet, the classic "chick" car -- Mrs. Clapper loves it -- but when he revs the engine at stop lights it pleases him to think that he can beat anything other than a bicycle off the line.

Catherine greets Donny and welcomes him with gusto. Incomprehensibly, she is dressed as if she, too, is going to the dance. She offers Donny a seat in the living room, and informs him about the quality of her day. Mr. Fuzzums is duly introduced.

Mr. Bloom enters the living room and welcomes Donny, who stands respectfully and shakes the proffered hand. "Hi, Mr. Bloom, sir".

"Catherine, why don't you and Mr. Fuzzums check and see if Mary is ready yet", says Mr. Bloom, taking a seat in his chair across from Donny. He winks at Donny, as if to say 'we men are always waiting for our women, aren't we?' Donny smiles. Catherine and Mr. Fuzzums exeunt.

Mr. Bloom leans toward Donny and takes a more serious mien. "Now, Donny, I'm a little 'old-fashioned' about some things, but I hope you understand that Mary is a nice girl, not like some of those girls in school you may be used to dating"

Donny's eyes widened. "Oh, sir, of course, I think Mary is just the keenest girl in school".

Catherine yells down the stairway: "She's not ready yet!"

"She's a virgin, you know, and wants to stay that way".

"Of course, sir. Wouldn't have thought anything else."

"So after the dance, if you're thinking of going somewhere to 'park' or 'pet' or whatever it is that teens do, just remember that there are extra fees for that sort of thing."

"Oh, of course, sir. I understand."

"Good, then we understand each other, man to man." Mr. Bloom stands and shakes hands with Donny.

"Tarantara, tarantara!" calls Catherine, as she and Mr. Fuzzums lead Mary and Mrs. Bloom down the steps. Margaret is in her room, solving differential equations.

Mary wears a white blouse, plaid skirt, woolen knee socks and penny loafers, which seems a little incongruous for the Harvest Dance, but everyone cuts her slack because it's her first date, and also because Mary is gorgeous no matter what she wears.

"Gosh, Mary, you look swell!", says Donny.

"Excuse me, Donny, I'd like to have a brief chat with my baby girl, if you don't mind," says Mr. Bloom, putting his arm around Mary and shepherding her into the library.

"Make it quick, Henry!" says Mrs. Bloom, winking at Donny. "We don't want to keep these young people waiting, do we?"

In the library, Mr. Bloom turns to Mary and put his arm on her shoulder. "Now this is a big day today...and I want you to promise me that no matter how much fun you're having with Donny that you'll be responsible..."

Mary nodded, and smiled.

"...and if Donny wants to 'pet' or 'neck', you just say no, thank you, unless he's willing to pay for it. And always remember: money up front."

Mary hugs Mr. Bloom. "Oh, Daddy, don't worry about me! I'm a big girl!" She pulls her head back slightly and looks Mr. Bloom in the eye. "I thought you said you weren't going to pimp for me", she says, sassily.

Mr. Bloom laughs out loud and walks Mary to the door of the library. "Have a great time!"

"Tarantara, tarantara!" calls Catherine, marching with Mr. Fuzzums to the front door. Mary waves to her parents as she exits with Donny. They wave back.

Donny walks Mary to his car and leaves her by the passenger side door as he walks around to the driver's side door. Mary stands by the door without moving. As Donny opens the door and starts to get in, Mary says: "Donny Clapper, aren't you forgetting something?"

"What?"

Mary stands motionless by the door.

"Oh, uh...right." Donny gets back out, walks around the car and opens the passenger side door for Mary.

Mary remains motionless.

Donny looks perplexed. "What?"

Mary makes a little motion with her fingers, and extends her palm. Donny still looks perplexed. Then it dawns on him.

"Oh, right", he says, reaching for his wallet. "Half up front?"

"I understand the practice is full payment in advance", says Mary, petulantly.

Donny mutters under his breath, counts out twenty ten-dollar bills, and places them in Mary's extended hand. She folds them, slips them inside her blouse, and steps into the car. Donny closes the door, walks around the front of the car, opens the door, sits behind the wheel and turns the ignition key. The Cabriolet putts to life.

As they pull away from the car and drive west on Cherry Street, Donny looks at Mary. "Gosh, you look swell", he says.

"Thank you. You said that back at the house."

"Uh..right. So..how're ya doin' tonight?"

"Fine." Mary was hopes she won't have to talk to him. He's such an idiot.

They motor silently to the Beaune estate and parked. Donny leaps out of the driver's seat and runs around the car to open the passenger side door for Mary, who steps out gingerly, holding the hem of her skirt. Donny escorts Mary up the sidewalk to the front door of the main building, where they enter together with a number of other couples, including Roderick and Molly, Henry and Natasha, Jock Ericson and some blonde girl nobody knows, Betsy Flapper and an older man, Bibi Ericson and Megan Cupcake. (The last-named couple produces some whispering among observers). There are also quite a few students who come by themselves: Amanda Dennis, Katie Zeppelin, Justine and Juliette and quite a few others.

Each year, the Harvest Dance is sponsored by the faculty of Beauneville Latin, who organize the event and chaperone. Mr. Swift and Miss Agassiz, the newest members of the faculty, are the co-sponsors and they now stand on either side of the grand entrance to the ballroom, graciously welcoming the young people.

As Donny and Mary pass through the wood-framed arch into the ballroom, Miss Agassiz reaches out with one hand and beckons to Mary. "Miss Bloom, may I speak with you please?"

Mary follows Miss Agassiz a short distance down the hallway to a small nook that is out of sight from the crowd entering the ballroom. Miss Agassiz turns and looms over Mary, who presses her back against the wall.

"Miss Bloom, what are you wearing underneath that skirt?"

"Nothing, Mistress Renee."

"Good. That will save time, in case I need to...reprimand you. Are you going to behave yourself this evening?"

"No, Mistress Renee." Mary has learned the correct answer.

Miss Agassiz glares, and dismisses her. She rejoins Donny in the ballroom.

"What did she want?", wonders Donny.

"Nothing", says Mary, dismissively.

"Oh", says Donny. "She's hot."

"It's not nice to talk about other women when you're with a girl", says Mary, petulantly.

"Uh..oh, right", says Donny.

"Hi, Roderick", says Mary, waving shyly to Roderick, as he and Molly pass.

"Um..hi", says Roderick, waving back. "How's your date going?"

Mary shrugs. "Oh, you know...". She wants to say 'another day, another dollar', but thinks Donny might not like to hear this. "It's magical", she says.

Roderick smiles. What a nice girl, he thinks. Mercenary, but nice.

"Yow're ya doin' blondie?" whispers Donny to Molly. "I'm thinking of taking art class. Anything to see you naked..."

Molly looks at him coldly with her sharp blue eyes, debating whether to floor him with a roundhouse kick or a couple of jabs, then relents and whispers back: "Why bother with art class, when you can just call me?"

Donny's eyes widen: he doesn't have the grey matter to comprehend that Molly is playing him. He nods, and swallows as Roderick and Molly walk away.

There are a number of round tables set up around the floor; Donny leads Mary to the table where Betsy Flapper sits with her older friend.

"So, um, who's your friend, Bets?", asks Donny, as they sit down.

"Donny, this is Luigi. He works for my mom, but tonight, he's mine..". She hugs Luigi's arm.

Luigi smiles, leans forward and shakes Donny's hand. "Ciao."

"Who's the mouse?" Betsy nods towards Mary.

"Um, this is Mary", says Donny. "She's not a mouse, she's a nice girl".

Betsy giggles. "A nice girl. That's so funny!"

Donny turns to Mary. "Shall we dance?"

Mary rolls her eyes. "Oh I guess it's expected...".

They go to the floor and dance for awhile. The music changes to slow dance; Donny embraces Mary stiffly, and they glide around the room."

While dancing, Donny chats with Mary. "I have a friend in Stapleton who says you blew him in the back seat of his Chevrolet."

Mary tosses her head. "Your friend has a vivid imagination", she says, crisply. She's quite sure it wasn't a Chevrolet; several Fords, possibly a Pontiac and a 1957 Hudson Hornet, but no Chevrolets.

Donny ponders whether or not to inquire about pricing, but since he has exhausted his summer savings he decides not to bother.

They return to the table. Mr. Swift, while circulating, pauses by their table to chat. "Everyone having a good time tonight?" he asks. They nod. He leans over and whispers to Mary: "May I have a word, Miss Bloom...?"

Mary follows Mr. Swift to a corner of the ballroom. "Yes, Mr. Swift?"

"Can I expect you tomorrow for your weekly...special help?"

"Oh, yes, Mr. Swift, English is really hard for me and I need you to help me real bad", says Mary, in her best imitation of a helpless school girl.

"Four o'clock, then". Mr. Swift escorts Mary back to the table.

"Excuse me, Mr. Swift, may I speak with Miss Bloom for a moment?" It's Miss Agassiz.

"Of course, Misstr...Miss Agassiz." Mr. Swift departs into the crowd. Miss Agassiz beckons Mary to follow her into an anteroom, where she shuts the door, locks it with a key, and turns to Mary.

"Miss Bloom, did you behave yourself this evening?"

"No, Mistress Renee."

"Do you need me to...reprimand you?"

"Yes, Mistress Renee."

The astute and attentive reader will know by now that the scene that follows is not to be described in detail. Suffice to say that upon exiting the anteroom, Mary prefers standing to sitting.

Meanwhile, Molly and Roderick leave the dance to engage in...other activities. On the dance floor, Bibi and Megan cause a bit of a stir during the slow dance. Both are dressed to kill, in short strapless little things that display maximum leg and cleavage. The sight of them pressed together, bodies intertwined, causes quite a stir. Text messages fly. Amanda Dennis scribbles.

There is another stir when Jock and his Swedish friend are found copulating in the garden, what he claims to be a customary practice in Sweden.

At ten forty-five, Mary beckons to Donny and points to her watch. The depart the dance and drive silently back to her house. He parks out front. "So, um...I was thinking that there is the Halloween Masquerade in a few weeks..."

"Email me your proposal next week!", says Mary, breathlessly, as she bolts from the car, up the sidewalk to the porch and inside.

Megan and Bibi walk home from the dance laughing hysterically at the prank they pulled; everyone must think they are lesbians. Of course, thinks Megan, when they reach Bibi's house, it was nice. Bibi proposes massage and sauna, Megan accepts. They go inside.

Roderick and Molly are already snoozing in Molly's bed. They did not fulfill that certain pledge; they were too tired. Mary creeps upstairs and peeks into Molly's room; seeing that Molly is asleep, she moves on to her bedroom and sits on the bed. Her bottom throbs. She removes Donny's money from her blouse and slips it into the drawer of the little table next to her bed.

Fatherly Advice

On Thursday morning, Megan wakes up early, creeps out of Roderick's bed and checks her hotness rating on Dickie's website. Good. Still third even without the picture.

Mary Bloom, the good daughter, also rises early; she makes a hot breakfast for the family and also for Mrs. Peacock.

After breakfast, Molly plays Beethoven on the Bosendorfer, and Mr. Bloom sits in his favorite chair reading the newspaper.

Mary approaches Mr. Bloom. "Um..Dad, can I ask you something...about boys?"

Mr. Bloom lowers his paper. "Of course, you can, honey. What would you like to know."

"Well..um..you see...it's like this..."

Mr. Bloom gives her his classic 'you can tell me anything, I'm your father' kind of look.

"Um...well...I was wondering...if one boy offers me money to go on a date with him, and I say yes, and another boy says he will give me more money to go on a date with him, is it okay for me to tell the first boy I'm not going to go on a date with him after all? I mean, after I told him yes?"

"Hmm." Mr. Bloom ponders. "Did the first boy give you money up front?"

Mary shakes her head no.

Mr. Bloom scratches his head. "Well, technically, if he didn't give you front money there's no contract and you can cancel any time, like a hotel reservation. But he could still get mad. Is he armed and dangerous?"

"Um..I don't know. It's Donny Clapper".

"Okay. So we don't have to worry about the dangerous part. How much money are we talking about?"

"Donny offered me two hundred dollars, and the other boys says he'll pay me two hundred and fifty."

Mr. Bloom whistles; this virgin thing really pays off. "Contracts aside, though, if you cancel on Donny he will be mad, and could say bad things about you to other people."

"You mean he might call me a whore?".

"Or worse. He might say you're fickle. You wouldn't want people to think you're fickle, would you?"

Mary shakes her head no, and shudders. There's nothing worse for a girl than to be considered fickle. It's worse than being called a whore; of course, there's nothing wrong with being a whore, just not a cheap whore. It's all about personal branding.

"Tell the second boy -- the one who wants to pay you two hundred and fifty dollars -- tell him that you want to go out with him, but you made a commitment already that you can't break, but that you will soon consider offers for the Halloween Masquerade Dance. You tell him that real nicely and he'll forget all about the Apple Harvest Dance."

Mr. Bloom leans forward and musters the keen insight that has earned him a reputation as the best brand strategist in all of Washington County, or at least in and around Beauneville. "But here's the most important part. Do not, under any circumstances, commit to the second boy to go out with him. Just say that you will be considering offers. But say it real nicely."

He winks at Mary. "Okay?"

Mary beams, and throws her arms around Mr. Bloom. "Oh, Daddy! You're the best Daddy ever!"

Catherine yells from the front porch: "We're leaving for school!". Mary runs to catch up.

Later, between first and second classes in school, Donny and his entourage pass Mary in the hallway. He orders his entourage to halt and steps in front of Mary, blocking her passage. She fingers her "V" necklace, nervously.

"So, uh, pick you up at seven on Saturday, right?"

"Um.. yes, that's the plan", says Mary, as she slips away.

At lunch, she sits at the picnic table next to Dickie Wickett, who is eating his lunch by himself. Dickie is the above-mentioned second boy. "Um...hi, Dickie, how are you today?" she asks in her loveliest 'I'm a nice girl' manner.

Dickie looks up from his pickle sandwich. "Uh..."

Mary touches his right arm. "I want you to know that I got your email yesterday, and I'm so flattered that you want me to go to the Dance with you."

"Uh..."

"I was about to send a note telling you yes, I would be thrilled to go with you for two hundred and fifty dollars, but then I remembered..." -- she blushes -- "..I'm so forgetful sometimes...I made another commitment on Saturday night and, well, a promise is a promise isn't it?" She pouts.

"Uh..."

"But the Halloween Masquerade is coming, so why don't you send me your offer real soon, okay?"

"Um..."

Mary leaned closer to Dickie and whispered. "Can I tell you a secret? I forgot to wear underwear today, and it's chilly!" She stood up from the picnic table and stepped over the bench, holding the hem of her skirt. "Bye!" she whispered.

Dickie sits motionless for several seconds, looking at his pickle sandwich, then puts it back in his lunchbox partially eaten.

After lunch Mary sits awkwardly in Miss Agassiz's Science class, doing her best to keep her knees together. In truth, she did not forget her underwear; it's Mary's little surprise for Miss Agassiz, who is presently returning the homework papers. Mary hopes she got something wrong.

Confidential Sources

Overnight, Megan Cupcake rockets to second in hotness on Dickie's website, thanks to a candid full frontal snapped as she emerged from the shower at Beauneville Latin. Megan has mixed feelings about this. She was hoping to drop a few pounds before doing full frontal, and there is the question of royalties. On the other hand, there is a certain buzz to being second only to Miss Agassiz in hotness.

Mr. Cupcake has a different view of the matter. He is furious, storms into the office of the Headmaster at eight in the morning and demands a meeting. The Headmaster, Mr. Archibald Edward Manley Mann -- "Chip" to his friends -- readily grants this demand, noting that Mr. Cupcake is strapped. He offers Mr. Cupcake a cup of coffee and a chair; Mr. Cupcake declines the former and accepts the latter.

Mr. Mann listens patiently as Mr. Cupcake rants about his daughter's honor and virtue and privacy and stuff. When the angry father finishes ventilating, Mr. Mann gently points out that he has no control over private websites run by students on their own time, and since Megan is sixteen there appears to be no violation of laws against "sexting", but he will be happy to discuss the matter with Dickie and get right back to Mr. Cupcake.

Dickie arrives for his meeting with Mr. Mann escorted by attorney Byron Flatts of the Free Press Institute. Mr. Flatts informs Mr. Mann that Dickie obtained the pictures from a confidential source, and under the recently enacted Press Shield Law there is no way, no how, that Dickie will disclose his source. Because he is a responsible journalist, protecting the public's right to know which girls are hot.

By telephone, Mr. Mann consults with Mr. Cupcake. The matter is regrettable. Unfortunately, his hands are tied. If he knew who took the picture, he could take disciplinary action, but with Dickie lawyered up that doesn't seem to be an option. Signs will be posted in the locker rooms warning students to watch out for candid cameras. He suggests looking at the matter on the bright side: Megan's personal brand is strengthened, and she will likely get more requests for dates.

Mr. Cupcake hangs up and pays a brief visit to the Wickett household. The matter is settled without recourse to litigation: Dickie agrees to take down the pictures and Mr. Cupcake agrees not to shoot Dickie.

Megan comes over to Roderick's house after school to work on homework for English, Latin, Math and Science. There is much to do, and they spend all afternoon working, so Roderick invites Megan to stay over for dinner. She accepts.

The Smiths like to eat dinner in the dining room, at the nice table. On the menu tonight: Medaillons Braises de Porc, Compote de Pommes and Petites Choses Vertes. (It's roast pork, applesauce and little green things; Mrs. Smith is taking a French cooking class).

Mr. Smith sits on the South end of the table, Mrs. Smith on the North end, Roderick and Megan together on the West side.

They're using the nice china today.

Mr. Smith compliments Megan on her picture. "Very nice picture, Megan. Was it taken in the Girl's Locker Room?"

Megan is chewing. "Mmmph".

Roderick asks: "Megan's in a picture?" He was reading about dividend discounting models last night and didn't check his email.

Mrs. Smith nods. "On Dickie's website. It's a nice full frontal".

A full frontal of Megan in the shower sounds intriguing to Roderick. He often thinks of her in a wet t-shirt. "I'll have to check it out", he says, with considerable enthusiasm.

Megan has swallowed her medallion of pork. "My Dad made Dickie take it down. He said it offends my honor and virtue", she says, giggling.

"That's too bad", says Mr. Smith. "It's a nice picture".

"It's OK. I just wish people in school didn't see how heavy I am".

"Not at all, dear", says Mrs. Smith. "You have a lovely figure. Men don't like sticks." She winks at Mr. Smith, who smiles.

After dinner, Roderick and Megan return to his room and finish their homework. Megan excuses herself to go to the bathroom; when she returns, she has discarded her clothing in favor of one of Roderick's bathroom towels.

"What about you, Roderick? Do you think I have a lovely figure?". The towel falls to the floor.

Roderick looks up from De Bello Gallico and smiles. "I sure do."

The scene that follows will not be described in detail. Suffice to say that Roderick and Megan had a very pleasant time together, and Megan stayed the night; but Roderick did not violate his pledge to Molly.

October Tuesday

It's chilly this Tuesday morning in Beauneville. Mary Bloom, the good daughter, gets up early and makes a hot breakfast for everyone. Molly plays the piano; Margaret plays Soduku; and Catherine waltzs around her bedroom with her beau, the dashing and handsome Mr. Fuzzums.

Roderick rolls out of bed, showers, dresses and plods downstairs for morning scrapple, applesauce and conversation.

Jock and Bibi Ericson wake up early and make their way to the basement, naked, where Jock tinkers with a composting toilet and Bibi bakes in the sauna.

Amanda Dennis logs in to her blog, Cries and Whispers, and writes:

What young "virgin" is anything but?

Amanda knows all.

Justine and Juliette make breakfast for Grandma and Grandpa.

Mr. Swift stands before his mirror at his home on Quince street, shaving. Maybe I should cool it with Mary, he thinks. He shaves some more. Nah.

Leaping out of bed, Donny Clapper pounds his chest, farts, and bellows the war cry of the Beauneville Latin Centurions: Veni! Vedi! Veci! A born leader, it's not at all surprising he's the Captain of the Badminton Team.

Natasha Zemlinsky stands naked before the mirror, her long black hair flowing over her shoulders; she rubs her swollen breasts and pats her growing belly. Should I tell Mom and Dad yet? she wonders. No. Wait until they come home. Behind her, Henry snoozes.

Dickie Wickett fiddles with his website Hot Women of Beauneville Latin. It's an exciting moment; he has new pictures to upload.

Betsy Flapper fiddles with her iPhone. She deletes the pictures she just sent to Dickie. She took them in the girl's shower yesterday.

Megan Cupcake awakes, stretches, dresses and writes in her secret detailed journal.

In her apartment on Main Street, Miss Agassiz checks her closet and fiddles with several Hermes blouses before choosing one to wear with her black miniskirt. She inspects herself in the mirror and loosens one more button. God, I'm hot, she thinks.

Pert and perky Katie Zeppelin packs her bookbag and wonders if Roderick will ever chat with her.

The Bloom sisters and Mr. Fuzzums meet Roderick at his house and they all walk to school together. Henry and Natasha don't feel like going to school today, and there's nobody around to tell them otherwise. Natasha gets back in bed, and Henry puts his arm around her stomach.

Jock and Bibi walk to school with Megan; Bibi and Megan walk next to one another. Justine and Juliette are just behind them. Amanda Dennis gets to school early and logs in to check out Dickie's website; she grins and scribbles furiously in her notebook.

Mr. Swift walks to school from his home on Quince Street. Miss Agassiz beeps as she passes in her black Porsche Boxster.

Dickie Wickett walks to school with Katie Zeppelin. Dickie wonders if Katie will ever chat with him.

Betsy Flapper and her entourage arrive at school at the same time as Donny Clapper and his entourage. She snubs him.

Donny spies Mary Bloom, who is standing by herself waiting for school to begin. Per usual, she wears a white blouse, plaid skirt, knee socks and penny loafers. "Watch this", he says to his entourage, "I'll make Betsy jealous".

He approaches Mary. "Hey, Mary, how're ya doin'". Donny is on his best behavior.

Mary looks at him, slightly startled that the Captain of the Badminton Team is speaking to a freshman girl. "Um...I'm fine".

"So, uh, Mary, I think you're just the keenest girl in school and I was wondering if you would be my date for the Apple Festival Dance on Saturday."

Mary blushes and turns up her nose. "You think you can fool me, Donny Clapper? I know what you have in mind, and I wouldn't go to the dance with you if you gave me a hundred dollars".

The price, it turns out, is two hundred dollars, and Donny will pick up Mary at seven.

Later, between English and History class, Amanda whispers something to Megan Cupcake, who blushes pink and looks around quickly. She wonders who else Amanda has told.